The Smelly Cheese

A pragmatic take on the most foul stuff on the planet: politics.

TLA

The New Yorker still thinks its funny.

Written by Captain Spork on 1:45 PM

"Well there's yer problem!" I used to have a subscription to the New Yorker. I'm talking about 5 years ago, not recently. I stopped reading it precisely because of their latest attempt at satire. Before I get ahead of myself, I'd like to say that I get the "joke." Wow. That's a real riot. Hilarious. The editor of the magazine and the "artist," are claiming their "right to satire," and can't be held responsible for those that don't get it.

The editor likened their efforts to that of a print medium,"Colbert Report."

I know Stephen Colbert and you sir, are no Stephen Colbert... mainly because they actually have the ability to reach a relevant audience. The problem with The New Yorker is that it's The New Yorker. The people that put that publication together make Al Gore look like Larry the Cable guy. Hoity-toity doesn't even begin to describe the editorial staff let alone their readership.

This is the first general election where a black guy with a Muslim name is running against "Father Time," white establishment war-guy. This is the moment that the New Yorker decides to make its most patronizing and polarizing cover in the last 10 years? Really guys? Ya just had to "hold a mirror" up to the crazy right wing blogosphere four months before the election? Good job douchebags.

There's no journalistic merit at work here. There is no great satire that will reveal the emperor with no pantaloons. The New Yorker is a dying breed. It's a print publication that can barely compete with the rest of its dwindling kind. I'd guess the phrase, "The New Yorker Magazine," has been seen, heard and googled more times in the last two days than in the publications entire existence. Great job political cartoonist guy (What's the matter? Making caricature portraits at Sea World doesn't pay the bills?) you've now confirmed the worst fears of those 31% of Americans who thought Obama was a Muslim anyway.

Hey, we're all entitled to our opinion right? We wouldn't want to let real political headwind get in the way of an bunch of erudite snobs making their point in the most smug method possible now would we? Truth be told the publishers and readers of The New Yorker don't care who the fuck gets elected president. Things like tax cuts, war casualties and mortgages don't register within their sphere of influence. Until someone writes a "brilliant piece," about it in The New Yorker.

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Smelling the Cheese: A special investigative report on our economic crisis.

Written by Captain Spork on 11:25 PM

It's economics stupid... or something like that. What follows is an actual personal encounter with the corporatization of America.

I was driving home from my workout at "Super-Mega Fitness Fun-time Family Center," (where I had the pleasure of not taking a long steam afterwards because a small army of 8-year olds really needed to work out all those knots and kinks in their joints) when I passed the local Linens N' Things. This location was closing its doors after only what seemed like one year. I stopped and pulled into the parking lot out of some confusion since I had seen a sign almost 3 weeks earlier that stated they would be closing on June 7th. At that time I was unimpressed by Linens N' Things or "tha LNT" since what they considered "clearance prices," only began to actually compete with the local Bed Bath and Beyond and the Target which is literally next door. 20% off my friends does not make a blow-out the doors sale.

So you'd think that three weeks later, a retail outlet that is closing down would've dropped their prices even more right? Nope.
As detailed in these "exclusive" photos, this LNT store seems to believe that "everything must go!!... at 20 to 25% off." Really? Your store is closing and the best you can do is 25% off? Granted there were a handful of fabulous items like a plastic fluorescent green wastebasket for 40% off, I mean I could of walked out the door and only paid $3.00. What a steal! Those things were $5.00 originally. How can you pass up these prices?!

I realized that the most likely reason this LNT store would not be going below the 25% threshold is simply because their brand wasn't going out of business, just this one store. So, theoretically they could prolong this "Everything Must Go!" sale as long as they need to until their inventory reaches a manageable level and the leftover product can be shipped back to the corporate warehouse or other LNT locations that aren't closing.

Then this product can sit at the other LNT stores at the previously overpriced levels and not be bought by thousands of customers... again. Do you see a pattern developing? I don't have an MBA or much business acumen but here's my recommended strategy for Linens N' Things: Start selling your shit at cheaper prices!

The store is closing and you're selling these pans for a clearance price of $39.99. I hate to break this info to the LNT store's general manager, but I can get this exact same deal at the Bed Bath and Beyond anytime I want since their company sends out 20% off coupons like they're going out of style. Seriously I've got 5 of those bad boys sitting in the junk mail pile right now. Ahhhh... but somehow it's better for the for the corporate bottom line to just keep passing the proverbial cheese grater around from store to store.

Here's another brilliant business strategy I saw at work here. Amidst this "closing store," I was struck by the abundance of LNT "associates," roaming the facility. Not doing work mind you, but looking busy. There was at least 10 of them and I'm pretty sure they outnumbered the total number of customers. "Well there's your problem right there!" What are these employees doing? Stocking new product? I sure hope they aren't because this fucking store is "closing" down. Again, I don't have an economics degree but it seems to me that you want to hire a lot of employees when the store first opens and then you want to scatter there scheduling throughout the workday, not when the store is closing.

Thanks Linens N' Things. You're a true American company through and through. Keep shuffling that debt long enough and then blame it all on your accounting firm.


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