The Smelly Cheese

I was driving home from my workout at "Super-Mega Fitness Fun-time Family Center," (where I had the pleasure of not taking a long steam afterwards because a small army of 8-year olds really needed to work out all those knots and kinks in their joints) when I passed the local Linens N' Things. This location was closing its doors after only what seemed like one year. I stopped and pulled into the parking lot out of some confusion since I had seen a sign almost 3 weeks earlier that stated they would be closing on June 7th. At that time I was unimpressed by Linens N' Things or "tha LNT" since what they considered "clearance prices," only began to actually compete with the local Bed Bath and Beyond and the Target which is literally next door. 20% off my friends does not make a blow-out the doors sale.

So you'd think that three weeks later, a retail outlet that is closing down would've dropped their prices even more right? Nope.

I realized that the most likely reason this LNT store would not be going below the 25% threshold is simply because their brand wasn't going out of business, just this one store. So, theoretically they could prolong this "Everything Must Go!" sale as long as they need to until their inventory reaches a manageable level and the leftover product can be shipped back to the corporate warehouse or other LNT locations that aren't closing.

Then this product can sit at the other LNT stores at the previously overpriced levels and not be bought by thousands of customers... again. Do you see a pattern developing? I don't have an MBA or much business acumen but here's my recommended strategy for Linens N' Things: Start selling your shit at cheaper prices!

The store is closing and you're selling these pans for a clearance price of $39.99. I hate to break this info to the LNT store's general manager, but I can get this exact same deal at the Bed Bath and Beyond anytime I want since their company sends out 20% off coupons like they're going out of style. Seriously I've got 5 of those bad boys sitting in the junk mail pile right now. Ahhhh... but somehow it's better for the for the corporate bottom line to just keep passing the proverbial cheese grater around from store to store.

Here's another brilliant business strategy I saw at work here. Amidst this "closing store," I was struck by the abundance of LNT "associates," roaming the facility. Not doing work mind you, but looking busy. There was at least 10 of them and I'm pretty sure they outnumbered the total number of customers. "Well there's your problem right there!" What are these employees doing? Stocking new product? I sure hope they aren't because this fucking store is "closing" down. Again, I don't have an economics degree but it seems to me that you want to hire a lot of employees when the store first opens and then you want to scatter there scheduling throughout the workday, not when the store is closing.

Thanks Linens N' Things. You're a true American company through and through. Keep shuffling that debt long enough and then blame it all on your accounting firm.