What is WHY TUESDAY?
Written by Captain Spork on 11:43 PMThis seems like a no brainer to me. We've got "Arbor Day," why not "Voting Day?"
Chasing our tails.
Written by Captain Spork on 5:46 PM
Last week marked the 5th anniversary of our incursion into the country of Iraq. This week also saw the number American soldiers "killed in action" rise to 4,000. Considering that I just filled up my gas tank yesterday at $3.58 per gallon, the war in Iraq is still of paramount importance to myself not to mention the millions of other citizens that have had to personally sacrifice something or someone to the military farce.
But according to every television news outlet on my cable lineup, I (the viewing audience) really respond to the political "food fight," in the democratic primary. Also, I seem to care a lot about the former Governor of New York paying tons of money for rough sex. Oh yes, and I care immensely about the personal trials of Britney, Lindsay and Hillary Duff. Hmmmm, that's really odd. I could've sworn that I really want to know why the fuck my congress hasn't done dick about the $350 million tax dollars that are being flushed down the toilet in Baghdad.
There I was thinking reversing the destructive policies of the Bush-Cheney regime was the most important thing on our political agenda... but boy was I wrong. I'm really glad that Keith Olbermann has been there nightly to incessantly (and objectively) remind me that the real enemy of American progress is the Clinton family. Thanks Keith for shining a light on the true injustice of Hillary Clinton's disastrous wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. After all if Bill Clinton hadn't sent those troops into Iraq and lied about weapons of mass destruction.... wait a minute. Wasn't George Bush the president that did all this stuff?
No, I'm probably mistaken... again. Silly me, I just have to remember that if Olbermann says it, it must be true. The same goes for Oprah. She's never wrong. That's my "O&O" policy. Olbermann is always truthful and objective because he speaks in that really cool, old school anchorman voice. Plus he's always pointing out how other people are "lying," ergo... Olbermann can't be fudging with the truth. And Oprah has a book club. People with their own book clubs clearly have better judgement than I do. Thus, Oprah can't be wrong about who to vote for in the next election.
Anderson Cooper on CNN just plain has an honest face. How can I not trust someone with that face? Blitzer's beard screams honesty. Those guys are "the most trusted name in news." The word trust is literally part of their slogan.
Anderson Cooper on CNN just plain has an honest face. How can I not trust someone with that face? Blitzer's beard screams honesty. Those guys are "the most trusted name in news." The word trust is literally part of their slogan. Basically I just have to accept the fact that what I'm interested in now is Barack Obama's tax return and Hillary Clinton's electability among white women ages 33-35 in Harrisburg, PA. After all a journalism organization would never purposely force-feed news items that are easier, cheaper and simpler to report on than the depressing, complicated realities that face our country. Never. It simply couldn't happen. Sean Hannity would never allow it.
Exhibit B378: Why John McCain will be president.
Written by Captain Spork on 2:31 PM
Roughly 5 million people are willing to watch "WWE Raw," on Monday nights. Not just for one hour either, these folks are making an investment from 9 p.m. to 11 p.m.
Even if half of these "viewers" aren't old enough to vote, that' still mean 2.5 million potential voters are watching grown men in tights "wrassle." And as I've pointed out previously, if the Nielsen folks think there are 5 million people watching you can tack on another 2-3 million folks that just aren't telling them about it.
Cue the John McCain victory speech.
"Friends, we will do whatever it takes to defeat Al Qaeda. And if that means we have to bodyslam, closeline or piledrive the terrorists... well then that's what we'll do!!!"
Why the hell do we vote on a Tuesday?
Written by Captain Spork on 2:26 PM
This is a great question from the people at http://www.whytuesday.org/. They've got some pretty compelling arguments for changing the way we conduct our elections. To me having a national voting day makes perfect sense. Give everybody the day (or at least the afternoon off) so they have the opportunity to vote. Why not?
We've got already got an "Arbor Day," why not "Voting Day?" Seems kinda ridiculous that it hasn't happened already.
It all depends on what your definition of "sniper fire," is?
Written by Captain Spork on 2:06 PM
OOPS!!! This is what Washington insiders call, "padding the resume." It is also known as "lying your ass off," or "being a politician."
Oddly enough I don't care what Hillary was doing in Bosnia 12 years ago, nor do I care what Obama's pastor was yelling about 5 years ago. I'm one of those silly people that lives in "the present." I'm not saying that I ignore history, not by a long shot. Our history is too be studied and kept on file as a resource of knowledge. It is not, however, the sole basis of our decision making.
I don' t walk into a deli with the intention of ordering a pastrami sandwich and change my mind because another customer says, "Hey I had a bad pastrami sandwich here 5 years ago." I order the fucking pastrami because I wanted the pastrami, plus who the fuck remembers a bad sandwich from 5 years ago?
More to come on how the media's nanosecond attention span is killing American culture and handing the presidency to John McCain.
The boob tube.
Written by Captain Spork on 10:06 AM
I fear that no matter how skillfully Barack Obama speaks nor how badly George Dubya fucks this country up, most of its citizens will not vote for "change." How do I know they will not vote? They'll be too busy voting for "America's Next Top Hip Hop/Urban dance troupe!" And who wouldn't want to be watching that show. I mean the winner gets a scholarship to the prestigious but completely unaccredited Montgomery T. Burns Institute of Krumping. Lord knows that there just aren't "krumping" outlets available for young black men these days, let alone enough motion pictures about the topic.
Here are the facts. Roughly 28 million people have come out to vote for either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton over the last 3 months. You can see the breakdown here http://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/2008/president/democratic_vote_count.html
"American Idol" has average 30 million viewers a week for roughly nine weeks.
And let me tell you when the Nielsen ratings company says 30 million people are watching your show it's probably closer to 40 million people since Nielsen still figures out how many people are watching by have a few hundred families fill out "diaries."
If these numbers hold true John McCain will become president simply due to the fact that 12 million adults will be content with watching Howie Mandel ordering supermodels to open brief cases on November 5th rather than registering to vote.
I truly hope that I am wrong, but I'm probably not.
Please turn off the TV and register to vote, or tell a friend.
Obama I can believe in.
Written by Captain Spork on 5:10 PM
Yesterday, Barack Obama delivered the first speech of his entire campaign that actually got to me. His tone during the speech didn't have much emotion, nor did the words rise to "inspirational levels." What I got to watch yesterday was the "real deal." Obama was speaking as a man with a mixed heritage, and political aspirations for the white house. The most refreshing aspect to his speech was that he was actually talking candidly and honestly about race relations in our country. It was nuanced, lengthy and filled with the idea that we are diverse people complicated by our faiths, ethnicity and personal failures.
It wasn't "preachy," and it wasn't filled with soundbites either. Obama showed with this speech that he is the most brilliant politician of this young century. Every word was calculated and every pause intentional. This is the first time that I have heard him speak like the leader of a nation. I don't know if the speech is going to quell any of the "fears" of white people in Pennsylvania or Ohio, but it was a brilliantly delivered and should be heard by everyone.
Take a listen for yourself.
Third Eye Blinded by the light.
Written by Captain Spork on 4:24 PMI was listening to the Rachel Maddow show http://www.airamerica.com/maddow/ last week and I happened upon her interview with the singer from the lead singer of the band Third Eye Blind. 3EB (as they were once known) was a seminal group in my formative years, as musician and as a person. I loved their music and I probably wasn't alone in that, since there self-titled debut album sold a gazillion copies. Since that time my affinity for the group and for it's corporate leader, Stefan Jenkins, has long since disappeared.
Jenkins appeared on Rachel Maddow's show to talk about his support for Barack Obama. I'm not going to hold Barack Obama accountable for the people that support his campaign. I do have to disclose that Stefan Jenkins is a total douchebag and is probably only now inserting himself into the Obama movement for his own narcissistic agenda (the guy hasn't had a fucking hit in 7 years). What follows are some quotes from Jenkins' interview with Maddow about Obama's campaign and the evil that is Clinton politics. I'm quoting verbatim because it illustrates more clearly than I ever could the often irrational basis for which people find themselves in the thralls of Obamania.
Maddow: Democrats want somebody who is going to win and John McCain has to be taken down about ten notches.
Jenkins: We are in an age that's beyond 'we just want someone to win.' We did that with
Kerry we did that with Dukakis. There's a moment that's available here. And it's available
with Barack Obama. And it's not available with the Clintons. And the reason why is she will
manipulate what you think if she can. And she does it consistently.
Maddow: I think all politicians do.
Jenkins: No, I don't think so. I think Barack Obama is a guy who is willing to say what he
thinks and has a certain amount of trust in the electorate.. to get with it.
Maddow: If Hillary Clinton ended up winning the nomination, would you support her?"
Jenkins: I would have.
Maddow: Would have?
What follows this exchange is a story in which Jenkins name drops his former girlfriend Vanessa
Carlton (she's also happens to be his only connection to any music that could be referred to as either relevant or current) actually had a really positive experience with Bill, Hillary and Chelsea at a Clinton fundraiser. Jenkins confirms that Hillary has the ability to be really nice and
authentic, but right now she's being evil and displaying as Jenkins puts it, "her darker
angel."
First up, someone needs to tell Mr. Third Eye Blind that the people who wrote
Webster's Alternative/ Post-Grunge Thesaurus from 1997 need you to clear the use of "Darker
Angel" before claiming it as your own.
Secondly, I find extreme irony in Jenkins chastising the Clinton political family for behaving opportunistically and manipulating people. Jenkins is after all, the UC Berkeley english major that used numerous musicians and friends as literal stepping stones on his way to "rock stardom." He is the man that unceremoniously ousted his guitarist, song-writing partner and supposed friend Kevin Cadogan by literally leaving him at a hotel in Colorado after a show in the middle of tour. Why would he do that? Simple, so he wouldn't have to share in the credit or profit of any "3EB Production" venture. Don't believe me.
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9905E1DD143FF933A15755C0A9649C8B63&scp=1&sq=Kevin+Cadogan&st=nyt
The music industry is filled with even more shark-like scumbags than Washington.
The history of Third Eye Blind and its singer's level of assholishness is ancient history. But Stefan Jenkins attitude in his support of Barack Obama does illuminate a lot of issues surrounding the Democratic race for the presidency. It has finally made clear in my mind why I have a hesitancy about fully "giving myself" to Obamania.
Jenkins is of the mind that he, along with many other democrats and Obama supporters will not support a Hillary Clinton presidential nomination. There is this notion being bantied about that all of the "new" voters that have been inspired by Barack Obama will stay home in the November general election if Clinton (miraculously) wins her party's nomination. If any Obama supporter were actually to withhold there vote in the general election in protest of Hillary Clinton, or god forbid vote for McCain, what does that say about that voter in the first place.
Barack Obama's campaign is about "change." He is directly opposed to most, if not the entirety of the Bush presidency. He wants to change our direction in Iraq by pulling out our troops. He wants to change the way we do "business" in the world. I admire him for these beliefs and for his rhetoric. By his own admission, Obama has very little substantive differences on the "issues" with Mrs. Clinton. There differences lie firmly in the realm of "personality" and "attitude." So, if confronted with a choice between Clinton, McCain or not voting many Obama supporters will specifically not choose Hillary. Doesn't that action essentially negate all of the "change" that Obama stands for? How could "change" possibly come about with a McCain presidency?
It would seem that an Obama supporter with this attitude doesn't actually want "change," but rather to be on the "winning team." The lofty ideals which their candidate speaks of only matter if he can implement them himself. No good can come from anyone but their candidate. There is no light but his light. To these false Obama supporters, I say fuck you. Fuck you and your weak-minded short-sighted naivety. Fuck you and fragile egos and your ignorant sense of entitlement. Where the fuck have you been for the last ten years? I've busting my ass, cold calling and canvasing districts trying to get the people that I believe in elected for 10 years! Now you, the "new voter," claim some kind of omniscient superiority that moves beyond politics. How fucking arrogant. Your newly minted need to be "inspired," trumps things like the economy, housing, health care, war and death.
To any of those out there who think that Barack Obama is anything but a democratic politician running for president: Get a goddamn grip on reality. If you dare sit out the November election out of a sense or moral superiority I truly feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you because you'll probably dismiss my opinion as "fear mongering" or some kind of "old politics." The simple fact is that you don't understand the art of manipulation, nor the price of admission for the show.
Where's a militant brotha when you need one?
Written by Captain Spork on 2:45 PM
I call it like I see it. When Barack first announced his candidacy the "old guard," featuring the likes of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson floated the idea that he wasn't "black enough." This notion has been resoundingly thumped since, by black voters turning out in record number for Obama in the Democratic primary season. Some of it is "identity politics," some of it isn't.
As a life-long liberal democrat (noun: guilty white person who has very limited interaction outside his own neighborhood) I've donated my time, gave my money and my vote to Barack Obama because it was the first opportunity I have ever had to give a black man the chance to take the white house. It's long overdue and the time has come. This wasn't my only reasoning for voting for Barack, but it was a big factor, as I assume it was with many other democratic voters. He's an inspiring guy with a positive message and outlook. He also has the added benefit of having an actual personality, some style. He's probably the most charismatic leader I've wanted to vote for since Bill Clinton (Neither men could ever approach the krump factor of Lil Jon but they look pretty vibrant compared to Bob Dole and Chris Dodd).
But let's not kid ourselves, if Barack Obama was a white guy he be battling John Edwards for the vice-presidency. I don't agree with Geraldine "I'm old and I don't have to censor myself," Ferraro. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/13/us/politics/13ferraro.html?em&ex=1205553600&en=c32e1091707eac04&ei=5087%0A
Barack is a capable politician who has run a superior campaign. His intriguing biography along with his unique ethnicity have coalesced at exactly the right time when the American people, more specifically democrats, are ready... no foaming at the mouth to see an entirely different face in the white house. You can't get much different than a half black guy named Barack Obama. He is the dream candidate for any liberal democrat. I have forcibly stopped myself from drinking the Obamanaid and I'm still find myself tuning into every speech he makes on television. I'm still forking over cash to his campaign (seriously dude, how much more do you need?) and I still find myself watching him speak and thinking "Wow, that guy looks presidential."
All of Obama's enthusiasm, charisma, experience, inexperience and "juice" cannot change the fact that he is profoundly different, in one particular facet, than any other eventual nominee in our nation's history. I'm not knocking it. I like it. Truth be told, if he were a white man delivering the same speeches I'd probably would've voted for Edwards. But he isn't the same old boring white guy is he?
John McCain: A really great guy unless you're a military man.
Written by Captain Spork on 12:05 PMNot surprisingly, John McCain doesn't exactly "support the troops" at least not with his congressional pocketbook. http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/2/26/123532/692/322/464441
I know what your thinking. How could a man whose entire life and career is built on military service be so stingy when it comes to the military? Well, I have only two rational theories.
The first being that McCain is suffering from "old man on the porch" syndrome. In his eyes these goddamn punk kids in Iraq and Afghanistan have it way to easy into today's warfare. After all unless you've spent a minimum of 5 years in a torture camp, how can you live up to his standards? He was beaten ever two hours for several years like clockwork, so whether or not some Private gets an extra layer of Kevlar isn't on the top of his "to do list." In other words John McCain is a lot like the Jack Nicholson character in "A Few Good Men."
The second theory involves John McCain slowly but surely selling his senatorial career and reputation over to weapons manufacturing lobbyists, the extreme right-wing of the GOP and president G.W. Bush's legacy. Sure it goes against the idea that McCain only speaks in "straight talk" and wants to reform campaign finances, but it has ensured him an opportunity to become president.
If we postulate that both theories could be true then essentially we are left with the idea that certain sacrifices must be made in order for John McCain to become president. Maybe a few thousand American troops, a few thousand from Iraqi security forces and 40-50,000 civilians. These are conservative estimates at best and since John McCain claims that we can't leave until the job is done you can basically double or triple those numbers for the anticipated 10-20 year occupation.
All of this must be done so Senator McCain can fulfill complete his own legacy or war hero, senator and president. Is this so he can feel that his own personal sacrifice in Vietnam meant something? Isn't being a senator enough? Isn't being a good human being enough?
I think John McCain could save himself and the American people a lot of heartache and money if he were to build his own foundation for wounded veterans. Or maybe he could just start talking with another soldier that's been through hell and back.
I'm not mocking the man's service. He's clearly a much more stalwart person than myself, but I see in him a deeply flawed leader and human being. This guy has got "unresolved issues" coming out of every pore on his body. He's not conflicted. His experiences in war haven't lead him to some greater understanding. He's a man seeking revenge against an enemy that died a long time ago. And now that he has adopted the neoconservative outlook of the Bush white house, he's ready to reshape the rest of the globe with assault weapons and water boarding.
If McCain does obtain his prize and become the next president, I'd probably end up feeling sorry for him on some level. He would become a failed president whose strong moral fiber crumbled under the unbearable weight of an ideology that wasn't really his own to begin with. He would no longer be remembered as a war hero but a war monger and a man who could not bring his country back from the brink of perpetual conflict.
It's not show friends. It's show business.
Written by Captain Spork on 7:37 PM
Barring an unforeseen miracle or three, Barack Obama will probably be the Democratic nominee for president of these United States of America. I'm not sure when that will happen exactly nor do I really care anymore. I don't even care who's the VP either because the longer this shit storm continues the candidates begin to look more and more like one in the same (no, not literally... ughh could you imagine them have a kid? That is one fucking ugly kid). Make no mistake, the closer the delegate numbers get the dirtier the campaign ads will be. And from a purely "politics junkie" vantage point, I really love seeing this. Not because I've got any real affinity with either of them (my heart is with Obama and my head is with Hillary, yadda yadda). I love watching this because Barack is finally pulling back the curtain and revealing his true self, a politician. If anybody thinks for a split second that Barack doesn't want to sit in the Oval Office just as much as Hillary does, you're being utterly naive. This guy has balls the size of Nebraska. He'd barely been sworn in as a senator and he was already planning his limosine route down Arlington Road. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/09/us/politics/09obama.html
At this point, I'm spent on this whole fucking mess. I don't really blame either of Clinton or Obama for behaving like political animals. I tell you who I do blame, the D to tha N to tha motha flippin' C. Good job Howard Dean. This election should've been a cakewalk through November and yet you and Harry Reidand Nancy Pelosi have managed to create something that is now well beyond a clusterfuck. This is a craptacular fuckopoly of third degree.
John McCain is sharing his BBQ recipes with the press core while your two candidates are kicking each other in the crotchal region in hopes that the lovely people of Wyoming will provide another record turnout. http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2008/03/02/politics/fromtheroad/entry3898127.shtml
Howard Dean, ever the optimist, is just excited that voter turnout is so high. Hey Howard, somebody is on the phone for you. Who? The whole goddamn state of Florida you fuck head! We could have lawsuits in the state of Florida screwing up the Democratic party... again. Way to go Dr. Dean, you stupid fuckstick.
No, I haven't forgotten my most beloved congress-people, Representative Pelosi and Senator Reid. Have you two actually done anything in the last 14 months? Aside from holding press conferences chiding president Bush for not playing by the rules? Goddamn it I don't care how nice of a Mormon Harry Reid is, he comes off like a dipshit tool on television. Have some backbone Harry. Drink some fuckin' coffee and start puttin' some hutzpah into your work.
And Nancy, dear sweet Nancy. Where the hell did Nancy "I'll put your nuts in a vice," Pelosi dissappear to? I miss her. I miss the bitch with the crazy eyes. The kind of eyes that flicker back and forth between "grandma loves you," and "where the fuck is my latte!!?"
Somebody better end this mess very soon or we'll end up with,
Scenario #1: A popularity contest between an old, white war hero who makes some mean ribs and has no problem putting his foot on the throat of the entire Muslim "community" and a virtually unknown junior senator who's part black and has a Muslim name and has just spent the better part of year talking trash to one of the most successful women in the free world.
Scenario #2: A popularity contest between the aforementioned trigger happy, Viet Cong POW and a bitchy, pissed off former first lady that has spent the better part of her year trashing one of the most popular and inspirational candidates in the last 20 years... oh, yeah and he's half African American and the son of an immigrant goat farmer.
"Come on people now, smile on your brother. Everybody get together try to love one another right now."
Driving tip #528
Written by Captain Spork on 1:11 PMHere's another friendly tip for my fellow California motoring enthusiasts. If you are driving one lane over from a vehicle that is ahead of you and the either of your front corners line up with either of their rear corners... that driver probably can't see you very well.
Why any driver would think that this is a safe angle and distance to maintain at any speed defies logic. If you had a car directly in front of you would you follow 3 ft behind? Well yes you would... if you're a tool fuckhead that does that kind of thing. But you're not a tool fuckhead, right? So don't drive in the blind spot.
Thank you and please remember that "putting it out to the universe" doesn't actually make your turn signal work. You still have to physically do it yourself.
Illustration A3:
DO NOT DO THIS.
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