The Smelly Cheese

A pragmatic take on the most foul stuff on the planet: politics.

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We're at war people!

Written by Captain Spork on 11:30 AM


While we're busy trying to "fight them over there," so we don't have to "fight them here,"... they have apparently have been attempting to join our fight so they can then turn around and start hitting themselves in the face. Your confused, I'm confused. The LA times provides a much more clear and disturbing picture.


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The Great Barack Debate

Written by Captain Spork on 5:45 PM


While the mainstream media's "love/hate boner" (pending copyright) for the Clinton political machine lingers for what has to be a medically unsafe amount of time, our polling data at the Smelly Cheese allows us to officially call the 2008 presidential race for... the Clinton/Obama ticket. Yes, that's right. We're going to have a white woman as president and black man as her vice president.




Barack needs to be ready to accept the VP nomination. Why? Do I need to say it? America is not electing a black man as president. Trent Lott is still technically a United States senator, case and point. Don Imus is going to get another job, Bill O'Reilly still has a job... point being there are still a lot of really powerful yet ignorant, white asshats all over this country. And as long as Toby Keith still has red/white/blue blood boiling underneath that straw cowboy hat you can be damn certain that an African American named "Barack Obama," will never be elected to commander-in-chief.




"Please Barack, don't make this any harder than it already is... It's me not you." The guy has barely been a senator for half of his first term and as far as I can glean his campaign is about "change," and "hope." He seems like a good man and he's going to get the all important "Oprah," endorsement but he has one glaring flaw... he doesn't actually have the "audacity" to stand for what he believes in. Hillary Clinton is a fucking flawed candidate. She's got major weaknesses, the most important one being her 2002 Iraq war vote hanging around her neck. Yet, Obama has danced around the issue behaving like a gentleman at a dinner party politely pointing out that another guest has crumbs on their shirt. If Barack doesn't have the chutzpah to tell Hillary she's a calculating, cold-hearted bitch, how exactly is he going confront the inevitable "old-timey" racism in the general election. Will he be able to clearly convey his anti-war stance amidst the beating of the republican "national security" drum? Can he even do that now?




Here's what I know about the Clintons, they're savvy politicians. Bill, more than Hillary, has such a silver tongue that he can literally tell you exactly what you don't want to hear... and make it palatable. Hillary has become much more adept at this tactic, but instead of being considered a master politician she gets labeled as a combination of Martha Stewart and Medusa. The Clintons are professional liars aka, politicians... and they're fucking great at it. Bill left office with a 64% approval rating. That's after he got put through impeachment proceedings for getting a hummer. They have international credibility and experience dealing with the other side of the political spectrum. I trust Bill and Hillary making the next big foreign policy decision. I don't know or trust Obama because he has no record of any decision making. "I was against the decision to go to war in 2002." That's great Barack, you were a fucking state senator in Illinois when you had to make that gutsy political move. Oddly enough though, since you've been playing in the big leagues your voting record looks strikingly familiar to Mrs. Clinton's and every other democrat.


The very sad truth is that I want Barack Obama to be president. He seems like a good human being with the kind of charisma that a natural leader should have. However, that is unfortunately not enough in today's political climate and I have to put my money on the horse that's going to win the race not the one that makes me feel good about myself. In 2016 Mr. Obama will become the next president because by then we will be a more tolerant bunch, ready to accept not just a black president but probably an African American, lesbian secretary of defense.... wait, we already have that now. See we're already makin' progress people.

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Iowa, get over yourself.

Written by Captain Spork on 11:08 PM


"Hillary leads in newest Iowa poll," and "Can conservative Iowa voters get behind Giuliani?" are just a few headlines that will most likely be gracing virtually every news website in the next 72 hours. And I'm here to pose a question: Why the fuck does anyone care? First off, we still have a year before anyone is going to be elected and secondly why the hell is Iowa determining who our next president will be?


You can't go to the bathroom without knowing how voters in Iowa feel about all of the pressing issues of facing our country. Yes, Iowa is really goddamn important and, "all of you metrosexual city slickers better remember where you get your corn from or else..." Let's not fool around kids. I love my roasted chili corn salsa.




And what pray tell is on the average "hawkeye's" mind you ask? Immigration.
Really Iowa? Really? 3.5% of your population consists of "foreign-born," people. That's about 100,000 out of 3,000,000. Let's say hypothetically there's another 100,000 "illegals," working in state. That's bumps your entire "immigration situation" (pending copyright) to a whopping 6-7% of your populous. That's not an immigration problem, that's called having Hispanic looking people work the late shift at the KFC. Now, when you're state is spending $10 billion/yr educating and treating people that technically don't "exist,".... now that's a immigration problem.
New rule. Unless your state borders another country (Canada doesn't count) or a large oceanic shipping port you can't claim "illegal immigrants" as your top voting concern.

More to the point, why is this Iowa "caucus," so freaking important to every presidential candidate? Is it simply because they vote first? What a great way to determine the leader of the free world. "Hey wait a second... Ryan Seacrest has received 73% of the vote in Iowa. Well, I guess the rest of the country should stop voting and the white house staff should stock the oval office with large amount of hair gel." Bulletproof thinking right there.

That's like asking the first person that comes into a restaurant what the rest of patrons want to eat.
Waitress: "What would you like today sir?"
Old crazy guy with purple suspenders: "I want bananas with barbecue sauce."
Waitress: "Okay... Ya hear that folks? Today's menu is "Bananas with BBQ sauce."

Ladies and Gentlemen, we cannot allow the old crazy man with purple suspenders pick our president. So get your shit together Iowa and get back to making corn.






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Bonds,... Bail Bonds.

Written by Captain Spork on 4:10 PM


Barry Bonds is not being indicted by a federal grand jury because he cheated the game of baseball. He's not being indicted for lying to a grand jury or obstructing justice or evading taxes. He is not the victim of a conspiracy against black superstar athletes (I don't think Bonds would want himself lumped in with the likes of Mike Vick anyway). Barry Bonds is having the Fed's hammer brought down on his ass today because he is grade -A, 100% pure, major league douchebag. Pure and simple.


We're not going to here Mark McGwire's name being thrown around in any indictments. Do you think Sammy Sosa was any less "enhanced," during his homerun marathon days? Nope, cheating to play better baseball isn't unforgivable nor is lying about cheating but Bonds is guilty of the worst kind of public sin: He lied and was a Giant dick about it. In our culture if you lie and then kinda sorta confess with any ounce of remorse you will receive absolution most of the time. But denying the truth and being a really sanctimoniously dickheadish about the fact that you're lying.... oh you can just take your $100 million dollars and go to your room mister!


So here's to Barry Bonds. A cheater, a liar and an all around jackass. To those who think I'm being judgemental because none of us really "know" Bonds on a personal level and he could just be the victim of a vengeful sports media, I say nay. I say nay and shut the hell up because you're obviously a moron. When a public figure largely behaves like a childish fuckwad toward his co-workers, his fans and the people that report on his livelihood... I think it's safe to say that he's 80-90% asshole. Just because he was nice to your kid that one time at the In N' Out Burger doesn't mean "the media" is out to get him. And also just because the guy hugs his son whenever he hits a home run that doesn't mean he's a good person. Everyone likes their own kids. And Bonds likes himself so much that he wants to parade his children around so people can see what a "good father," he's being. In the words of Chris Rock, "You supposed to you dumb mutha fucker!"


H. Jackson Brown wrote, "Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking." Apparently with Bonds this involves some injections, balms and pills.


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The WGA strike and how it affects my tv viewing habits.

Written by Captain Spork on 5:59 PM



I like my TV shows. I have a blog... thus I am some sort of a "writer." So, it's no surprise that I am going to empathize and support the people that "bring me the funny," on my entertainment box of choice.




If you don't know what the Writers Guild of America is striking for here's a simplified version: Most TV shows and films are currently available in "new media" formats (which means on the internet or your phone). The networks and studios that own these entertainment properties aren't giving any of these "new media" profits to the people that actually make the product. Naturally, the people that make the product want to get some of the action. The networks and studios or "the Man," would like the writers and the viewing public to believe that there is no profit in "new media," thus they can't give anyone a cut of the pie.




For more detailed information on why you'll be seeing a ton of reruns and reality programming over the next few months please visit http://unitedhollywood.blogspot.com/ or http://www.wga.org/.




Basically the studios and networks have no viable argument other than pure greed. I just watched an episode of 30 Rock at nbc.com for free. Well, it was "free" for me to watch it as long as I was willing to sit through three separate "limited interruptions" by Honda. That's three 30-second advertisements in a 22 minute show. Sounds kinda like the regular TV/commercial format huh? Ah, but NBC considers the episode I just watched to be a "promotion," for the regular broadcast version. Yeah. Unless NBC is letting Honda use it's corporate bandwidth out of the kindness of their hearts, I'd say that NBC got some cabbage from somebody at Honda. Do the writers that wrote the episode see any of said cabbage? Nada, zilch, bubkiss. Therein lies the rub.




Hopefully this strike nonsense won't go on for long and Stephen Colbert will be invading my living room with all new insincere fake newsery. But in the meantime I'd just like to remind any corporate suit associated with a TV network or movie studio that people are not altogether idiotic. iTunes doesn't let people download TV shows for free and neither does any other "new media" outlet that has emerged since. If there is no money to be made on the internet maybe I should talk to Comcast about the $42.95 they're charging me.








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Tom Brady: Mediocre or just highly overrated?

Written by Captain Spork on 3:55 PM



Here is the point in this blog where, after just building up all kinds of New England goodwill, I will proceed to rip Tom Brady and his New England Patriots a new one. First off, every heterosexual male in America is insanely envious of Brady. He's good looking, he's bangin' supermodels and he's won multiple Superbowls... plus he's got "f-you" money.

Oh, but before I get my head to far up Mr. Brady's ass I'd like to mention that this guy is no Joe Montana. Hell, Tom Brady isn't even close to being Dan Fouts... or even Phil Simms (ohhhh, that last one smarts). It's not all his fault or even his team's... the NFL isn't the league it used to be. It's a watered-down product that is successfully marketed to a television audience that more readily accepts sanitized, sub par things... like watered-down light beers and "nacho flavored" products. And there's an insane amount of gambling involved too. Make no mistake, the Patriots and Tom Brady (today's NFL juggernaut) couldn't match up against any other "dynasty" of previous eras.

"But they've won 3 out the last 4 superbowls," says slightly inebriated Pats fan. To that I say, look who they were playing. The St. Louis Rams were a glorified arena football team. I'm sorry if you play 80 percent of your football indoors, turf that's what you are. The Carolina Panthers, a team that apparently isn't smart enough to use the steroids that don't show up on the drug tests. And then there's the Eagles. Despite Rush Limbaugh's racist presumptions about Donavan F. McNabb, the guy would find a way to lose a Donovan McNabb look-a-like contest.



And at the behest of the "Raider Nation," the entire New England Patriot "dynasty," was built on a lie. The infamous Brady "tuck," was and still is the most, bullshit, unbelievably horrendous officiating fiasco in the history of sports. Tom Brady got sacked by Charles Woodson and he dropped the ball. That's what normal human beings do when it's 100 fucking degrees below zero and another human being hurls their body into them. They drop whatever they are holding onto and say "fuck that hurts!" Here's what Tom Brady wasn't thinking, "I can't see any of my players in this blizzard, oh shit this guy is hitting me.... I should move my arm in small semi-circle in order to convey to the referee that I intend to pass the ball to the invisible receivers that I can't see because I have snow in my eye." The Patriots shouldn't have even made it to the Superbowl, let alone win it. "The Tuck" won't be synonymous with "The Catch," or Derek Jeter's "flip," Jordan's jumper over Elho or even Doug Flutie's "Hail Mary" at Boston College. No, because all of those "great plays" actually involve athlete's achieving greatness rather than having some NFL official in a video booth hand it over to them.



"Aww, ya pisser! Ya just wicked jealous and shit," says somewhat drunk Pats fan. "How can you deny their greatness afta those three rings?" And I say to that drunk chowdahhead, "Simple my good sir, your team has being cheating." How, in a league that is designed to break-up good teams through salary structure, does one team stay consistently so stellar? Well the jig is up my friends, the Pats have been stealing signs ever since that "tuck" call went their way.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3014677

It all makes sense now. How does one team out-perform all other teams consistently, in a league designed to promote parity? Apparently, when you have video tape of the other teams play signals it helps. Of course the NFL wants this ugly business to be swept under the rug because the Patriots are their model franchise. The Pats have a white, good looking, gutty quarterback that leads a franchise with principles like "teamwork" and "unselfishness." And while the Patriots have been crushing Peyton Manning's spirit for the past 7 years, the other 30 teams all get to float in "mediocre land," each having the same opportunity to attain the rank of "really bad flag football team" or "above average college program."

The New England Patriots are perfect model for today's NFL. They have no personality, they don't pay their players and they're coach is a cheating asshole that doesn't have to explain himself to anyone. Hmmmm, kind of sounds like another authority figure I've heard of...

No, no... I'm not saying that there are any parallels between Bill Belichick and our commander in chief. That's ridiculous. I would be remiss though if I didn't point out the fact that the "Patriots" went from a 5-11 team headed nowhere in 2000 to becoming one of the most improbable Superbowl champions in 2001 coinciding perfectly with the 9/11-themed Superbowl festivities. Yes, I went there. Is the idea really that implausible? The Superbowl is one of the most watched tv events in the world. And after such a tragic event what better team to win our most important sporting event than... the Patriots. It's a terrifyingly jingoistic notion, but it's a fairly simple public relations coup compared to what has taken place in the "real world" since 2001.

So to sum up: Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots are not an NFL legacy but rather a public relations tool created by our government. Think it's far fetched, what was one of the first major legislative items put into effect the same year the Patriots started their "dynasty?" That's right... the USA PATRIOT Act. Chilling isn't it?

Oh yeah and chowdaheads. If your team keep throwing bombs in the fourth quarter when you're up by three touchdowns and have 50 points, some second-string linebacker from a 0-12 teams is gonna cheap shot Tom Brady so hard he'll never be able to be anyone's "baby daddy" again.

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Thank You Mr. Ellsbury for my "free taco."

Written by Captain Spork on 3:06 PM



I like the Red Sox a lot. Though they become less lovealbe each time they win a world series, it's hard not to root for a dude like Manny Ramirez (the guy is a goddamn human hitting clinic). Manny's dreads, Big Poppi's infectious attitude, not to mention a group of young pitchers that have flamethrowers for arms... and of course "The Nation." Second to living and dying by my own team, I find nothing more satisfying that watching a "sawx" fan lament every moment of every inning. So, I give a belated congratulations to the mighty Red Sox juggenaut.




More importantly, I would like to thank a certain Jacoby Ellsbury for stealing a base and winning America free tacos. While young Mr. Ellsbury's efforts for implementing a lost art of base stealing should be applauded, Taco Bell's implementation of the "free taco" giveaway left more to be desired. Apparently, you could get a free taco from a Taco Bell restaurant between 2 p.m. and 5 p.m. on October 30th through the "Steal a base, steal a taco" promotion. http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2007/10/31/ellsbury_scores_with_fans_at_steal_a_taco_promotion/


What I didn't realize is that this "free taco," was only available at franchises that chose to "participate." Not suprisingly, the entire Central Valley only seems to acknowledge one sport and one sports franchise, the Sacramento Kings. This is the only plausible explanation as to why not one, but two separate Taco Bell locations had no clue what the hell I was talking about when I asked for my "free taco." Uh...? Have you heard of a little thing called the World Series? It's kind of a big deal. It was on Fox for about a week. Ring any bells? Alas, I had to imagine my free taco and settle for a purchased chicken quesadilla because I don't have all afternoon to drive around until I find a fucking Taco Bell that's managed by someone who's actually heard of "baseball."

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Democracy is as democracy does.

Written by Captain Spork on 2:09 PM


President Pervez Musharraf has done what our president once had dreams of accomplishing, declaring "martial law."




We're fighting "terrorists," because they hate "democracy." But what happens when large majorities of the population agree that the "terrorists" actually have the right idea? All "Jahannam" breaks loose, that's what. Sunni and Shia, working together - mass hysteria! Actually if we could get that to happen things might work out quite well, but as of today the "middle east" is one giant shit-storm. Oh sure, there's a few quiet spots like Jordan and the United Arab Emirates, but those places only stay quiet because there run like monarchical versions of the Bellagio.


That's right I said it, the Iron-fist business model works well in a part of the world that seems hell bent on turning back the clock to the stone ages. Despite Jorge the Second's crazy cracka-ass intentions, the United States can't stay in the business of regional-hall monitor and nobody in Europe or Asia is eagerly waiting in the wings. Peaceful Islam or moderate Islamic people don't seem to have the wherewithal or the proverbial "megaphone," to say "Hey! Hassan, stop firing that machine gun in the air and help me inventory this rice. That fucking kid, all the time with the shooting. But can he pick up a broom to sweep up the artillery shells? No."


So, yes I'm essentially advocating Musharraf's can of whoop-ass. I'll trust the devil I know. Sure, he can't really police certain parts of his own country and hasn't been able to keep the Taliban from hanging out on his border, but at least he's kept the launch codes out of Osama's iPhone (you know he's at least got the Chinese knock-off version). Besides do we really need to be reminded of what happened the last time we ousted a strong-arm, secular dictator in an extremely religious country. And this one doesn't even have any oil.

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