The Smelly Cheese

"Hillary leads in newest Iowa poll," and "Can conservative Iowa voters get behind Giuliani?" are just a few headlines that will most likely be gracing virtually every news website in the next 72 hours. And I'm here to pose a question: Why the fuck does anyone care? First off, we still have a year before anyone is going to be elected and secondly why the hell is Iowa determining who our next president will be?

You can't go to the bathroom without knowing how voters in Iowa feel about all of the pressing issues of facing our country. Yes, Iowa is really goddamn important and, "all of you metrosexual city slickers better remember where you get your corn from or else..." Let's not fool around kids. I love my roasted chili corn salsa.

And what pray tell is on the average "hawkeye's" mind you ask? Immigration.

Really Iowa? Really? 3.5% of your population consists of "foreign-born," people. That's about 100,000 out of 3,000,000. Let's say hypothetically there's another 100,000 "illegals," working in state. That's bumps your entire "immigration situation" (pending copyright) to a whopping 6-7% of your populous. That's not an immigration problem, that's called having Hispanic looking people work the late shift at the KFC. Now, when you're state is spending $10 billion/yr educating and treating people that technically don't "exist,".... now that's a immigration problem.

New rule. Unless your state borders another country (Canada doesn't count) or a large oceanic shipping port you can't claim "illegal immigrants" as your top voting concern.

More to the point, why is this Iowa "caucus," so freaking important to every presidential candidate? Is it simply because they vote first? What a great way to determine the leader of the free world. "Hey wait a second... Ryan Seacrest has received 73% of the vote in Iowa. Well, I guess the rest of the country should stop voting and the white house staff should stock the oval office with large amount of hair gel." Bulletproof thinking right there.

That's like asking the first person that comes into a restaurant what the rest of patrons want to eat.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we cannot allow the old crazy man with purple suspenders pick our president. So get your shit together Iowa and get back to making corn.