The Smelly Cheese

Barry Bonds is not being indicted by a federal grand jury because he cheated the game of baseball. He's not being indicted for lying to a grand jury or obstructing justice or evading taxes. He is not the victim of a conspiracy against black superstar athletes (I don't think Bonds would want himself lumped in with the likes of Mike Vick anyway). Barry Bonds is having the Fed's hammer brought down on his ass today because he is grade -A, 100% pure, major league douchebag. Pure and simple.

We're not going to here Mark McGwire's name being thrown around in any indictments. Do you think Sammy Sosa was any less "enhanced," during his homerun marathon days? Nope, cheating to play better baseball isn't unforgivable nor is lying about cheating but Bonds is guilty of the worst kind of public sin: He lied and was a Giant dick about it. In our culture if you lie and then kinda sorta confess with any ounce of remorse you will receive absolution most of the time. But denying the truth and being a really sanctimoniously dickheadish about the fact that you're lying.... oh you can just take your $100 million dollars and go to your room mister!

So here's to Barry Bonds. A cheater, a liar and an all around jackass. To those who think I'm being judgemental because none of us really "know" Bonds on a personal level and he could just be the victim of a vengeful sports media, I say nay. I say nay and shut the hell up because you're obviously a moron. When a public figure largely behaves like a childish fuckwad toward his co-workers, his fans and the people that report on his livelihood... I think it's safe to say that he's 80-90% asshole. Just because he was nice to your kid that one time at the In N' Out Burger doesn't mean "the media" is out to get him. And also just because the guy hugs his son whenever he hits a home run that doesn't mean he's a good person. Everyone likes their own kids. And Bonds likes himself so much that he wants to parade his children around so people can see what a "good father," he's being. In the words of Chris Rock, "You supposed to you dumb mutha fucker!"

H. Jackson Brown wrote, "Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking." Apparently with Bonds this involves some injections, balms and pills.