Tom Brady: Mediocre or just highly overrated?
Written by Captain Spork on 3:55 PM
Here is the point in this blog where, after just building up all kinds of New England goodwill, I will proceed to rip Tom Brady and his New England Patriots a new one. First off, every heterosexual male in America is insanely envious of Brady. He's good looking, he's bangin' supermodels and he's won multiple Superbowls... plus he's got "f-you" money.
Oh, but before I get my head to far up Mr. Brady's ass I'd like to mention that this guy is no Joe Montana. Hell, Tom Brady isn't even close to being Dan Fouts... or even Phil Simms (ohhhh, that last one smarts). It's not all his fault or even his team's... the NFL isn't the league it used to be. It's a watered-down product that is successfully marketed to a television audience that more readily accepts sanitized, sub par things... like watered-down light beers and "nacho flavored" products. And there's an insane amount of gambling involved too. Make no mistake, the Patriots and Tom Brady (today's NFL juggernaut) couldn't match up against any other "dynasty" of previous eras.
"But they've won 3 out the last 4 superbowls," says slightly inebriated Pats fan. To that I say, look who they were playing. The St. Louis Rams were a glorified arena football team. I'm sorry if you play 80 percent of your football indoors, turf that's what you are. The Carolina Panthers, a team that apparently isn't smart enough to use the steroids that don't show up on the drug tests. And then there's the Eagles. Despite Rush Limbaugh's racist presumptions about Donavan F. McNabb, the guy would find a way to lose a Donovan McNabb look-a-like contest.
And at the behest of the "Raider Nation," the entire New England Patriot "dynasty," was built on a lie. The infamous Brady "tuck," was and still is the most, bullshit, unbelievably horrendous officiating fiasco in the history of sports. Tom Brady got sacked by Charles Woodson and he dropped the ball. That's what normal human beings do when it's 100 fucking degrees below zero and another human being hurls their body into them. They drop whatever they are holding onto and say "fuck that hurts!" Here's what Tom Brady wasn't thinking, "I can't see any of my players in this blizzard, oh shit this guy is hitting me.... I should move my arm in small semi-circle in order to convey to the referee that I intend to pass the ball to the invisible receivers that I can't see because I have snow in my eye." The Patriots shouldn't have even made it to the Superbowl, let alone win it. "The Tuck" won't be synonymous with "The Catch," or Derek Jeter's "flip," Jordan's jumper over Elho or even Doug Flutie's "Hail Mary" at Boston College. No, because all of those "great plays" actually involve athlete's achieving greatness rather than having some NFL official in a video booth hand it over to them.
"Aww, ya pisser! Ya just wicked jealous and shit," says somewhat drunk Pats fan. "How can you deny their greatness afta those three rings?" And I say to that drunk chowdahhead, "Simple my good sir, your team has being cheating." How, in a league that is designed to break-up good teams through salary structure, does one team stay consistently so stellar? Well the jig is up my friends, the Pats have been stealing signs ever since that "tuck" call went their way.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3014677
It all makes sense now. How does one team out-perform all other teams consistently, in a league designed to promote parity? Apparently, when you have video tape of the other teams play signals it helps. Of course the NFL wants this ugly business to be swept under the rug because the Patriots are their model franchise. The Pats have a white, good looking, gutty quarterback that leads a franchise with principles like "teamwork" and "unselfishness." And while the Patriots have been crushing Peyton Manning's spirit for the past 7 years, the other 30 teams all get to float in "mediocre land," each having the same opportunity to attain the rank of "really bad flag football team" or "above average college program."
The New England Patriots are perfect model for today's NFL. They have no personality, they don't pay their players and they're coach is a cheating asshole that doesn't have to explain himself to anyone. Hmmmm, kind of sounds like another authority figure I've heard of...
No, no... I'm not saying that there are any parallels between Bill Belichick and our commander in chief. That's ridiculous. I would be remiss though if I didn't point out the fact that the "Patriots" went from a 5-11 team headed nowhere in 2000 to becoming one of the most improbable Superbowl champions in 2001 coinciding perfectly with the 9/11-themed Superbowl festivities. Yes, I went there. Is the idea really that implausible? The Superbowl is one of the most watched tv events in the world. And after such a tragic event what better team to win our most important sporting event than... the Patriots. It's a terrifyingly jingoistic notion, but it's a fairly simple public relations coup compared to what has taken place in the "real world" since 2001.
So to sum up: Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots are not an NFL legacy but rather a public relations tool created by our government. Think it's far fetched, what was one of the first major legislative items put into effect the same year the Patriots started their "dynasty?" That's right... the USA PATRIOT Act. Chilling isn't it?
Oh yeah and chowdaheads. If your team keep throwing bombs in the fourth quarter when you're up by three touchdowns and have 50 points, some second-string linebacker from a 0-12 teams is gonna cheap shot Tom Brady so hard he'll never be able to be anyone's "baby daddy" again.
Oh, but before I get my head to far up Mr. Brady's ass I'd like to mention that this guy is no Joe Montana. Hell, Tom Brady isn't even close to being Dan Fouts... or even Phil Simms (ohhhh, that last one smarts). It's not all his fault or even his team's... the NFL isn't the league it used to be. It's a watered-down product that is successfully marketed to a television audience that more readily accepts sanitized, sub par things... like watered-down light beers and "nacho flavored" products. And there's an insane amount of gambling involved too. Make no mistake, the Patriots and Tom Brady (today's NFL juggernaut) couldn't match up against any other "dynasty" of previous eras.
"But they've won 3 out the last 4 superbowls," says slightly inebriated Pats fan. To that I say, look who they were playing. The St. Louis Rams were a glorified arena football team. I'm sorry if you play 80 percent of your football indoors, turf that's what you are. The Carolina Panthers, a team that apparently isn't smart enough to use the steroids that don't show up on the drug tests. And then there's the Eagles. Despite Rush Limbaugh's racist presumptions about Donavan F. McNabb, the guy would find a way to lose a Donovan McNabb look-a-like contest.
And at the behest of the "Raider Nation," the entire New England Patriot "dynasty," was built on a lie. The infamous Brady "tuck," was and still is the most, bullshit, unbelievably horrendous officiating fiasco in the history of sports. Tom Brady got sacked by Charles Woodson and he dropped the ball. That's what normal human beings do when it's 100 fucking degrees below zero and another human being hurls their body into them. They drop whatever they are holding onto and say "fuck that hurts!" Here's what Tom Brady wasn't thinking, "I can't see any of my players in this blizzard, oh shit this guy is hitting me.... I should move my arm in small semi-circle in order to convey to the referee that I intend to pass the ball to the invisible receivers that I can't see because I have snow in my eye." The Patriots shouldn't have even made it to the Superbowl, let alone win it. "The Tuck" won't be synonymous with "The Catch," or Derek Jeter's "flip," Jordan's jumper over Elho or even Doug Flutie's "Hail Mary" at Boston College. No, because all of those "great plays" actually involve athlete's achieving greatness rather than having some NFL official in a video booth hand it over to them.
"Aww, ya pisser! Ya just wicked jealous and shit," says somewhat drunk Pats fan. "How can you deny their greatness afta those three rings?" And I say to that drunk chowdahhead, "Simple my good sir, your team has being cheating." How, in a league that is designed to break-up good teams through salary structure, does one team stay consistently so stellar? Well the jig is up my friends, the Pats have been stealing signs ever since that "tuck" call went their way.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3014677
It all makes sense now. How does one team out-perform all other teams consistently, in a league designed to promote parity? Apparently, when you have video tape of the other teams play signals it helps. Of course the NFL wants this ugly business to be swept under the rug because the Patriots are their model franchise. The Pats have a white, good looking, gutty quarterback that leads a franchise with principles like "teamwork" and "unselfishness." And while the Patriots have been crushing Peyton Manning's spirit for the past 7 years, the other 30 teams all get to float in "mediocre land," each having the same opportunity to attain the rank of "really bad flag football team" or "above average college program."
The New England Patriots are perfect model for today's NFL. They have no personality, they don't pay their players and they're coach is a cheating asshole that doesn't have to explain himself to anyone. Hmmmm, kind of sounds like another authority figure I've heard of...
No, no... I'm not saying that there are any parallels between Bill Belichick and our commander in chief. That's ridiculous. I would be remiss though if I didn't point out the fact that the "Patriots" went from a 5-11 team headed nowhere in 2000 to becoming one of the most improbable Superbowl champions in 2001 coinciding perfectly with the 9/11-themed Superbowl festivities. Yes, I went there. Is the idea really that implausible? The Superbowl is one of the most watched tv events in the world. And after such a tragic event what better team to win our most important sporting event than... the Patriots. It's a terrifyingly jingoistic notion, but it's a fairly simple public relations coup compared to what has taken place in the "real world" since 2001.
So to sum up: Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots are not an NFL legacy but rather a public relations tool created by our government. Think it's far fetched, what was one of the first major legislative items put into effect the same year the Patriots started their "dynasty?" That's right... the USA PATRIOT Act. Chilling isn't it?
Oh yeah and chowdaheads. If your team keep throwing bombs in the fourth quarter when you're up by three touchdowns and have 50 points, some second-string linebacker from a 0-12 teams is gonna cheap shot Tom Brady so hard he'll never be able to be anyone's "baby daddy" again.
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