The Smelly Cheese

A pragmatic take on the most foul stuff on the planet: politics.

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President Bush learns that "fire is bad."

Written by Captain Spork on 12:05 PM


Is there anything that our President can't royally fuck up? Apparently George finally had someone inform him that a large portion of Southern California was on fire http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21449247/. You know you're in bad shape when Arnold "The Governator," is the guy who's actually the most competent person available to handle a natural disaster (though, I guess he's gotta be given props for showing up within 48 hours).


Ahhhhh, but not Curious George. He seems to have a "wait and see" policy for natural disasters. It's a wise strategy. Why declare a national emergency and preempt more widespread damage when you can wait and pray that "fire" and "water" will somehow disobey the laws of nature? Oh, that's right preemptive action only applies to attacking countries that have "Texas gold".... uh, I mean .... terrorists!


Now, you may be wondering, "Doesn't George Bush actually like a lot of people in Orange County? After all, they tend to vote conservatively and they tend to be affluent white folks." While your assumptions about Orange County may be correct, Jorge the Decider seems to care about a very limited number of people... which apparently does include any Californians. Remember that whole messy Enron thingy? It was in a pre-9/11 world, but CA kinda got screwed with a ridiculous energy bill. And if I remember correctly Bush/Cheney had some pretty close buds in the "energy business." (Ahhh, even in death Kenneth Lay is still causing problems).


I'm not saying that George Bush doesn't like California. I am just saying that even after 1500 homes, owned by some of the most wealthy and white citizens in the country, burned down... he still waited four days to step in with federal disaster relief. Could our president be that socially irresponsible? I mean, letting poor black people die in a sports stadium makes sense. He's an arrogant, racist asshole from Texas. But letting rich, white people lose their cabanas and mansions? What kind of monster is this guy!!? The worst kind of monster: A total and complete dickhead.


There is one other possibility. President Bush is in fact not a malevolent and vindictive ruler that lords his power over those who he views as inferior. He could just be really, really... I mean insanely horrible at every job he's ever attempted. I leave the answer up to you.


The Smelly Cheese: We report, you get depressed thinking about what we just reported.

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Embracing 30.

Written by Captain Spork on 9:27 AM

After stretching my 30th birthday celebration into an entire week long extravaganza... I am tired. Probably, because I'm old. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. It was like being treated to good movie. It was full of drama, laughter, surprises, a couple of explosions and I didn't have pay for anything at the concession stand (Kudos to mom and dad ).

But, like I mentioned previously, I'm old. This is not all bad news though. Becoming decrepit and smelly has some distinct advantages. Now that I'm 30, I feel that I can "demand respect" in certain venues... like a retail electronics outlets that will not be mentioned by named (it rhymes with "Best Buy"). Or pretty much any establishment that employs what I will henceforth refer to as "whipper-snappers," more commonly known as "shitheads."

I've belabored this point in the past but when I walk into a place of business I don't want to be treated like one of the " boyz." In fact, with my newly minted 30-ness, I'm going to demand at least a "sir," though a "Welcome to (insert corporation here)," will suffice too. But if I'm welcomed by another polo-wearing, pimply floor-jockey with, "What's up?" or "Hey, man," I will respond in kind. I've been waiting for the appropriate age when I can use the following phrases:

1.) "Listen you little, shit. How about showing some class and pull up your goddamn pants while you're working." You have to move in pretty close and keep your voice to a low grumble when attempting this one. Otherwise other employees may step in and "Big Reggie" may be called upon from the stock room to forcibly remove your person from said establishment.

2.) Any request followed by the phrase, "Can you handle that, son?" I've learned that most males have "daddy issues," and thus the usage of "son" in a setting where there is no relation is extremely demeaning. Less personal, but equally effective jabs are the usage of names like, "Chief," "Big Guy," and "Ace."

3.) My personal crotchety-old man comeback will be as follows, "I'm sorry. Did I hear you correctly? I could've swore that you just spouted some variation of 'Wuzzup?' First off, I find it refreshing that your vocabulary consists of a played out phrase from a beer commercial that aired when you must've been about nine. Good knowledge. Secondly, are you actually interested in how my day is going? News flash punk: I don't care how your day is going, so save the small talk. When I need something from you, like a receipt, I'll let you know. Until that moment comes, please feel free to ogle the hot cashier on register five since I'm sure you'll be using that material during your lunch break."

Getting older is going to be nice.

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"Children Do Learn."

Written by Captain Spork on 11:14 PM


Apparently, while "children do learn," the President doesn't. Bush is know in uncharted territory of brazened stupidity. He just doesn't care what the citizens of the United States of America (or "some folks" as he calls us) think anymore.


For those of you who don't know George Bush doesn't just hate black people and Kanye West, he know hates uninsured children.



He's right in a way. These children should've thought about being born to richer parents, before then went and got sick. When will we stop coddling these 7 year old cancer patients!!! Back to reality. In reality, any President that has a 25 percent job approval and is spending billions of dollars a month on a war that was technically over 4 years ago doesn't veto a children's health insurance bill out of "fiscal responsibility."


But good for George, he doesn't live in reality. In his reality, congress isn't an actual branch of government, they're just a bunch of stuffy suits that are supposed to sign over the checks. In Georgeland, it makes perfect sense to delay funding a program that actually takes care of it's most vulnerable citizens while demanding total expediency for another program that keeps our military employed as policemen for a country that doesn't even want to be a real country anyway. And in Bushopolis, that last sentence wouldn't be called a "run-on," since it was just trying to protect itself from "evil modifiers."


In all seriousness, even for this President, this is a new low. He praised the SCHIP program when he was Governor of Texas... because it worked. Now he's hanging sick, poor kids out to dry for some symbolic gesture to the conservative history books. Way to go dumbfuck. Everything Bush has done until now could be explained by him being an idiot with a messianic complex. Nope he's just a bigger asshole than we thought.

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Transformers: More than one DVD.

Written by Captain Spork on 6:27 PM


I saw the movie. I enjoyed it because A.) I'm a nerd and B.) I like movies that have large explosions. Yes, it was a typical piece of shit Michael Bay "film," but it was called Transformers. That is enough for me to buy the dvd. Aaaahhh, but is there one official Transformers disc-set that will give me the ultimate experience? No.


Walmart: Two-disc special edition with a bonus disc that has a "prequel" to the actual movie. That sounds pretty damn awesome. Though I don't know if I want to subject myself to the depression of actually stepping inside the Walmart, let alone stand in line behind a woman that's buying a 50-pack of Jimmy Dean pancake & sausage on-a-stick... the jumbo size variety (Yeah, they did it).


Best Buy: An exclusive two-disc gift set with an official movie lithograph and two plastic 2-inch transformers figurines. The lithograph sets my nerd-alert off, but I've seen the figurines and they're not exactly going to appreciate as a "collectible."


Target: The two disc set is encased in an actual "transforming" 15-inch Optimus Prime. Sure it's probably not as cool as an actual transformer toy but that's a pretty ingenious marketing ploy.


My verdict: Target wins. They actually infused "transforming" into the product. Plus you can most likely leave the store without impulse buying 40 lbs of cat litter, a new cell phone or a hide-a-bed.

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Free Driving Tip #1

Written by Captain Spork on 6:10 PM



Here's a sign that you may have seen on the road recently.

The sign means what it says. The lane that you are currently occupying is going to cease to exist very soon, thus you need to put your blinker on and "merge." In case you are still unclear on the matter, sometimes the sign is followed by a physical representation of what you're supposed to do:

Both of these signs are telling you that you are going to have to "merge," with the rest of traffic. If you're unclear on what "merging" is please feel free to read some very informative literature from the DMV.http://www.dmv.org/how-to-guides/merging-into-traffic.php
You know what these signs don't mean? Keep talking on your phone and pretend that you are already in the next lane over. It also does not mean, "keep shovelling that taco in your mouth and slowly drift between the existing lane and the ending lane."
Come on people.

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Will Gore Run?

Written by Captain Spork on 5:30 PM

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Chris Matthews' sad, sad life...

Written by Captain Spork on 5:12 PM

In light of the above video, I think Jon Stewart was indeed correct... Chris Matthews has no soul left. For those who didn't get a chance to view this wonderful slice of comeuppance, please enjoy Jon Stewart verbally bitch-slapping Chris Matthews' "life is a campaign" philosophy.
http://www.alternet.org/blogs/video/64309/

For those who don't know who Matthews is he's the Washington D.C. talk-show host of MSNBC's Hardball that has completely lost all perspective on life outside of politics. According to Matthews every aspect of life is a campaign. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Matthews I've been a fan of Matthews for a long time and I enjoyed his style of interviewing when he had some sense of balance and appropriate behavior. Unfortunately, Chris lost himself somewhere between 9/11 and the swiftboat guys for truth. Matthews believes that everyone is effectively some kind of lobbyist or politician with some kind and that everything has a "spin" to it. Worse yet, he's become friends with all of the people that he interviews and thus his show has become Slow-pitch Beer League Ball.

I wonder what dinner is like at the Matthews' table.

Mrs. Matthews: Chris, Julie made the cheerleading squad today. Isn't that Great?

Matthews (peering at his daughter with an uncertain smile): I don't know honey, I mean Julie has a great attitude but can she really translate well to the whole school on gameday.

Mrs. Matthews: Chris! I will not have you talk about our daughter that way, stop being an asshole!

Matthews: No, no. Honestly, I'm obligated to love Julie but when I look at her history I don't see the kind of candidate that can captain a cheer squad.

Julie: Wow dad, thanks for all the support.

Mrs. Matthews: That's it! You're sleeping on the couch!

Matthews (with entire family leaving the room): Hey, let's be real for second. Julie's a cute girl but she's at a genetic disadvantage with me as father. I just think pep squad is a more realistic goal...

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President Al Gore

Written by Captain Spork on 8:48 AM


Has a pretty nice ring to it, eh? Especially since he's got a brand spankin' new Nobel Peace prize in his back pocket. Isn't that what we're looking for in a leader? A anti-war, green candidate that has experience in Washington and in the real world. And what's more presidential that being the vice-president for eight years during one the largest economic booms in our country's history. "GORE 2008," has a nice simplicity to it.

Oh, wait.... we already had the chance to elect Gore. Remember those "hanging chads" from about seven years ago? Yup, that was basically the same dude running for president (minus a Nobel). Al Gore looks pretty fucking sweet compared to George "Children do learn," Bush. But he's not running because he's getting to much shit done on his own, apparently. He already put himself through the presidential gauntlet and had his dreams crushed (technically he did win, but we won't get started on the electoral college).

Ahhhh yes.... 2000. I remember quite a few of my college friends declaring that there was no difference between Gore and Bush. They were both corporate lackeys and picking between them was essentially an unprincipled choice of "the lesser of two evils." Big thanks to Radiohead, hydroponic weed and Ralph Nader for that kind of symbolic rhetoric. That's right I don't blame butterfly ballots or disenfranchised voters in Florida for giving us Dubya. I blame the lack of foresight by a group of snooty bastards that voted for Nader or some other irrelevant candidate. Way to go asshats! I sure hope you feel really good about your "principles" now.

Oh by the way, how's the environment fared over the last 7 years? Not to worry though because it seems that Al Gore is an actual "man of principal," since he's spent the last few years trying to actually save change environmental policy around the world. That's right you hemp supporting jerk-offs. Al Gore actually has the political clout and intellectual balls to work with "both sides" to get things done. Instead screaming hackneyed slogans in the general direction of people meeting at the WTO and then getting yourself arrested for some "street cred," Gore can actually have a "meeting" with the "corporate cronies" and get them to budge on their greenhouse gas emissions.

Alas, the "Al Gore for Prez" ship has long since sailed away. I just hope against hop that reincarnation of the Nader vote nutjobs (I'm looking at you moveon.org) have the foresight and the realism to get the hell out of the way in November of 2008. Make no mistake it's already started. Hillary is "too conservative." She voted "for the war," and she's part of the D.C. "establishment." Guess what jaggoffs? She's the candidate. I'm sorry if you can't tell the difference between Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani then you have no business voting at all. Therein lies the rub. Moveon.org and the Dennis Kucinich-tribe of the democratic party think that their fight is keeping Hillary off the ticket. They couldn 't be more wrong if they were trying to solicit sex in a Burger King bathroom. The fight isn't between Obama and Hillary, it's between Hillary and fucking Fred Thompson people! You wanna see a country regress about 30 years? Then keep painting Hillary Clinton as a Washington fat-cat with too much political expediency.

2008 is a reality check folks. We have the opportunity to vote for a candidate that makes sense or a couple of candidates that will make us feel less guilty about all of the shit that has happened over the last 7 years. I'll delve into who's who later.

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Pancakes vs. Hotcakes: The Great Debate.

Written by Captain Spork on 11:14 AM


Seriously, you didn't think I would go there did you? Unlike the writers of Lost and Heroes, I'm not going to make you wait five years to figure shit out.

Now you may wonder, "Isn't hotcakes just another name for pancakes?" While the "hotcake lobby" would have you believe such a simple story, there is more to it than just a difference in regional dialects. Pancakes are wonderfully substantive, mouth-watering flatbread delights. They can withstand an onslaught of butter, jams, jellies and assorted syrups and still maintain their delicious fluffiness. Hotcakes, on the other hand, are limp and lifeless pieces of rubbery flour/water compost. When put under the slightest amount of condiments or pressure from a utensil, the hotcake loses its form entirely.

My cousin Heather will back me up on the science. Pancakes are meal while the alleged "hotcake," can at best serve as an appetizer to pancakes. I can't address "flapjacks" because I have never actually eaten one and can only assume that they are some kind of bastardized version of a pancake.

Pancakes vs. hotcakes: Winner... pancakes in a syrupy landslide of buttery goodness! Goddamn I'm hungry.

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The Smelly Cheese re-launchification!!!

Written by Captain Spork on 10:30 AM

Having been inspired by "Dunder Mifflin-Infinity" and all its success, I've decided to give the interweb another shot. I've tried myspace and facebook... hell, I've even been kicked off a few tv show message boards. My breed of stupidity needs its own home, a place where it can breathe and blossom into a greater kind of stupidity! Thus, "The Smelly Cheese" is reborn (now with new hypoallergenic strawberry-scent Febreeze!). So come here to find out what's wrong with the world and all the silly little people trying to hang on to it... plus there will be wry observations about the difference between "pancakes," and "hotcakes," and oh so much more!

Plus you get the benefit of looking at the wonderfully placed advertisements by Google. "Why are you selling out and putting ads on your blog?" you may ask. And to that I respond with "I sold out a long time ago and you just never realized it but hopefully if you can tolerate the ads I'll be able to make up more craptastic features like podcasts, vidcasts and live chats!!! I'll probably end up doing it anyway so what's the harm in looking at a few promos for NBC's Bionic Woman (great show: hot chicks doing karate = television gold).

So come with me to a land of magic and unicorns and midgets that crap out pringles... a place I like to call "Pepperidge Farms: Crystal Meth Snickerdoodles Disivion." Or as the kids call it, the CMSD.

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