The Smelly Cheese

President Bush learns that "fire is bad."

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Embracing 30.

After stretching my 30th birthday celebration into an entire week long extravaganza... I am tired. Probably, because I'm old. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. It was like being treated to good movie. It was full of drama, laughter, surprises, a couple of explosions and I didn't have pay for anything at the concession stand (Kudos to mom and dad ).

But, like I mentioned previously, I'm old. This is not all bad news though. Becoming decrepit and smelly has some distinct advantages. Now that I'm 30, I feel that I can "demand respect" in certain venues... like a retail electronics outlets that will not be mentioned by named (it rhymes with "Best Buy"). Or pretty much any establishment that employs what I will henceforth refer to as "whipper-snappers," more commonly known as "shitheads."

I've belabored this point in the past but when I walk into a place of business I don't want to be treated like one of the " boyz." In fact, with my newly minted 30-ness, I'm going to demand at least a "sir," though a "Welcome to (insert corporation here)," will suffice too. But if I'm welcomed by another polo-wearing, pimply floor-jockey with, "What's up?" or "Hey, man," I will respond in kind. I've been waiting for the appropriate age when I can use the following phrases:

1.) "Listen you little, shit. How about showing some class and pull up your goddamn pants while you're working." You have to move in pretty close and keep your voice to a low grumble when attempting this one. Otherwise other employees may step in and "Big Reggie" may be called upon from the stock room to forcibly remove your person from said establishment.

2.) Any request followed by the phrase, "Can you handle that, son?" I've learned that most males have "daddy issues," and thus the usage of "son" in a setting where there is no relation is extremely demeaning. Less personal, but equally effective jabs are the usage of names like, "Chief," "Big Guy," and "Ace."

3.) My personal crotchety-old man comeback will be as follows, "I'm sorry. Did I hear you correctly? I could've swore that you just spouted some variation of 'Wuzzup?' First off, I find it refreshing that your vocabulary consists of a played out phrase from a beer commercial that aired when you must've been about nine. Good knowledge. Secondly, are you actually interested in how my day is going? News flash punk: I don't care how your day is going, so save the small talk. When I need something from you, like a receipt, I'll let you know. Until that moment comes, please feel free to ogle the hot cashier on register five since I'm sure you'll be using that material during your lunch break."

Getting older is going to be nice.

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"Children Do Learn."

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Transformers: More than one DVD.

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Free Driving Tip #1

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Will Gore Run?

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Chris Matthews' sad, sad life...

In light of the above video, I think Jon Stewart was indeed correct... Chris Matthews has no soul left. For those who didn't get a chance to view this wonderful slice of comeuppance, please enjoy Jon Stewart verbally bitch-slapping Chris Matthews' "life is a campaign" philosophy.
http://www.alternet.org/blogs/video/64309/

For those who don't know who Matthews is he's the Washington D.C. talk-show host of MSNBC's Hardball that has completely lost all perspective on life outside of politics. According to Matthews every aspect of life is a campaign. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Matthews I've been a fan of Matthews for a long time and I enjoyed his style of interviewing when he had some sense of balance and appropriate behavior. Unfortunately, Chris lost himself somewhere between 9/11 and the swiftboat guys for truth. Matthews believes that everyone is effectively some kind of lobbyist or politician with some kind and that everything has a "spin" to it. Worse yet, he's become friends with all of the people that he interviews and thus his show has become Slow-pitch Beer League Ball.

I wonder what dinner is like at the Matthews' table.

Mrs. Matthews: Chris, Julie made the cheerleading squad today. Isn't that Great?

Matthews (peering at his daughter with an uncertain smile): I don't know honey, I mean Julie has a great attitude but can she really translate well to the whole school on gameday.

Mrs. Matthews: Chris! I will not have you talk about our daughter that way, stop being an asshole!

Matthews: No, no. Honestly, I'm obligated to love Julie but when I look at her history I don't see the kind of candidate that can captain a cheer squad.

Julie: Wow dad, thanks for all the support.

Mrs. Matthews: That's it! You're sleeping on the couch!

Matthews (with entire family leaving the room): Hey, let's be real for second. Julie's a cute girl but she's at a genetic disadvantage with me as father. I just think pep squad is a more realistic goal...

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President Al Gore

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Pancakes vs. Hotcakes: The Great Debate.

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The Smelly Cheese re-launchification!!!

Having been inspired by "Dunder Mifflin-Infinity" and all its success, I've decided to give the interweb another shot. I've tried myspace and facebook... hell, I've even been kicked off a few tv show message boards. My breed of stupidity needs its own home, a place where it can breathe and blossom into a greater kind of stupidity! Thus, "The Smelly Cheese" is reborn (now with new hypoallergenic strawberry-scent Febreeze!). So come here to find out what's wrong with the world and all the silly little people trying to hang on to it... plus there will be wry observations about the difference between "pancakes," and "hotcakes," and oh so much more!

Plus you get the benefit of looking at the wonderfully placed advertisements by Google. "Why are you selling out and putting ads on your blog?" you may ask. And to that I respond with "I sold out a long time ago and you just never realized it but hopefully if you can tolerate the ads I'll be able to make up more craptastic features like podcasts, vidcasts and live chats!!! I'll probably end up doing it anyway so what's the harm in looking at a few promos for NBC's Bionic Woman (great show: hot chicks doing karate = television gold).

So come with me to a land of magic and unicorns and midgets that crap out pringles... a place I like to call "Pepperidge Farms: Crystal Meth Snickerdoodles Disivion." Or as the kids call it, the CMSD.

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Crazy... for feeling this way?

So after having a few days to digest the latest political slogging I've come to one conclusion: This nation is either on the brink of being totally fucked or possibly on the verge of becoming slightly less fucked than at present. I'm rooting for the latter.

Where to begin... Ah yes, Bill Clinton. Slick Willy looks better and better with each passing year. He's mad as hell and he's not gonna take it anymore!!! He's not only laying out the blueprint for any democrat who wants to be viable anywhere but he's also laying out a blueprint for the current president (not that I think he deserves to succeed in any facet of life, but he's currently the guy with all the power buttons). During his bitch-slapping of Chris Wallace the other day he said one phrase which was truthfully deafening, "So I tried and I failed." The response came from this longer exchange:

WALLACE: Do you think you did enough, sir?

CLINTON: No, because I didn't get him.

WALLACE: Right.

CLINTON: But at least I tried. That's the difference in me and some, including all the right-wingers who are attacking me now. They ridiculed me for trying. They had eight months to try. They did not try. I tried.

So I tried and failed. When I failed, I left a comprehensive anti-terror strategy and the best guy in the country, Dick Clarke, who got demoted.

Clearly, Clinton has little to lose politically these days so he has the balls to come out "guns a' blazin" on any matter he wants to... but he hasn't. Largely he's kept quiet when it comes to Bush and his handling of Al Qaeda, until the latest round of revisionist history hit the airwaves a month ago. When this Wallace-slapping is taken in context with his other remarks during his Global Initiative event the sentiment becomes clear towards President Bush: It's always easier to ask for forgiveness that it is permission.

Clinton fully admits that he screwed up, he didn't get Bin Laden, but neither did the current administration which happens to be the only administration to actually hold office when Bin Laden ordered the attacks of September 11, 2001. The issue of "who was watching guard" is not productive at the current juncture though. What needs to be done is indeed relevant and vital. At this point, I don't even care much about Bush, Dick and Rummy getting any immediate retribution for their follies and lack of foresight. I just want some honesty and then the forgiveness can happen.

That one phrase, "So I tried and I failed," were it to come from President Bush would do wonders for our country. It's a matter of humility at some point, realizing that we are a nation of flawed but ultimately good people. This whole "torture" debate is less about how we're going to get answers from the terrorists and more about how we get answers from ourselves about what we stand for. If there were any signs of humility or grace from anyone in the White House, the American people might be willing to take seriously a "reworking " of the Geneva conventions. Though it would still require a complete national discussion, not just another rubber stamp resolution.

Trust in a government only goes so far. When videos, photos and endless documentation fly in the face of "patriotic" rhetoric forgiveness is hard to muster. But it is not impossible.

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Reflecting on the reflections of a broken plan.

After reading, listening to and viewing a variety of "takes" on September 11th, 2001 and what has unfolded since I am more certain than ever that my gut reaction when I woke up yesterday morning was indeed correct. I woke up, having spun in my head the hours of preceding "spin" and conjecture amidst my sleep patterns, with a true feeling of disgust. I woke up and realized that I, like many others in this country, am still unnerved by the events at the World Trade Center. I am still frightened by the notion of waking up to another unimaginable horror that leaves us gripped by a paralyzing fear boring a gaping chasm in our souls that can only be filled with vengeance and retribution. I realized that this uneasiness has made my frustration boil and heightened my disdain for my own country's ability to protect itself from this outside terror.

I readily note that my hatred for Osama bin Laden and his network (and folks it is still his Al Qaeda network, don't fool yourselves) is even greater than 5 years ago. Osama has virtually disappeared and is now tucked away somewhere (Pakistan? Yemen?) completely untouched and unpunished for what will go down as one of the most vile, deceitful and horrific crimes of this century. A man who is now in hiding still determines, according to our commander in chief, where the "war on terrorism" is being waged. Though in one breath this monster is said to be marginalized and incapable of swaying the minds of his followers, he is in another the preeminent leader in a global struggle against our way of life and freedom throughout the globe. I am not sure what is more unsettling, the fact that an individual as heinous as bin Laden is still at large or the sporadic moral ambivalence with which my government uses to addresses him.

When I rubbed the momentary paranoia out of my eyes yesterday morning, I realized that my government and its leaders have learned little to nothing about how to deal with "terrorism" let alone rid the world of its ideals. When all is said and done, all the shouting of patriotism and civil liberties is quieted, we as citizens will be faced with a humbling truth: After five years of bombing, policing, secret prisons, secret wiretaps, unfounded intelligence and symbolic elections we as Americans can be held hostage by the idea of any Muslim holding a water bottle. How is this a rational plan for survival let alone "victory" against a fundamentalist view of the world? Our current government has had five years of complete political control and, until this past year, unquestioned "blank check" support from the majority of its citizens. What has this regime wrought?

Afghanistan is once again run by the very same drug warlords, the Taliban, which we fought (with world consent) to remove. Iraq could be, in a best case scenario, a loose federation of three different religious states held together by our continued military presence for the next 10-20 years. Iran's president is jumping up and down, waving his arms like a madman begging for attention or approval of his warped Islamic agenda. Instead of calling Ahmadinejad’s bluff and exposing him as an intellectual and religious fraud sending a clear message to the others like him, my government chooses foreign diplomacy that amounts to ignoring a 3 year old during a temper tantrum. Israel continues to be surrounded by an ever increasing number of nations that are at best, indifferent to its complete annihilation and outwardly sympathetic toward Hamas and Hezbollah. Lest we forget our good friend the house of Saud. A modern day monarchy that continues to turn a blind eye toward members of its own royal family that move operational funds to the Wahhabi institutions which double as terrorist training camps.

It is time for a policy of accountability to actually hold those in power accountable, not render
the blame onto previous acquaintances. It is time for "diplomacy" and "communication" to stop being political platitudes and start becoming the gold standard by which we engage the world around us. I echo of the sentiments of Mr. Olbermann, by saying that I am truly fed up with having my patriotism questioned for simply having a differing opinion. It is both ludicrous and morally disgusting to suggest that any opposing view on how to protect our country from those that would attack it, is itself helping the attackers. If I hear one more middle-aged white male pose the rhetorical question, "Don't you understand that these people want to kill us?" I might actually vomit in my own mouth. Of course I understand the threat. My generation is the one that will inherit this mangled mix of civilization. I understand the ramifications of what is happening at this very instant, and I know that what my government chooses to do today will affect the tommorrows of many generations to come.

I say this because I truly believe in my "gut", not my heart, that the only way we can preserve our democracy is by proving that the "world of order" benefits everyone while the "world of chaos" holds only fear and manipulation. "Hope," despite the mocking of sophomore English teacher, remains my favorite word because I know it will always be preferred alternative to despair.

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Tucker Carlson is still... gay for Bill Clinton

The man is positively horny for Bill Clinton. The guy's been out of office for six years and still getting slammed. It seems odd to me that two months before yet another pivotal election season we have another wave of "Democrats want you to be attacked by terrorists!" mantra. That's what this whole White House roadside extravaganza is for exactly. Tony Snow and Carl Rove want to shift everyone's attention away from the 2600 American soldiers and hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqis. Imagine, if you will, Rove's address at Bob Jones University:

"Look over here good white, Christian folk! Remember when Bill Clinton got a blowjob and lied to you about? Well while your salivating at mouth I like to remind you all that he was in fact the man that let Osama bin Laden blow up the World Trade Center. Furthermore he still eats dead babies and has submissive sex with his lesbian wife!!! Now get out there and vote people!! Don't forget... Al Gore is trying to thwart God's plan to melt the North Pole and give us clean drinking water."

The truly laughable thing is that Dick, Rummy, terd-blossom and Jorge truly have no cards left to play right now. When in doubt blame the guy before you even though he spent the last two years of his presidency defending his right to get some on the side and then... shockingly lie about it. Jesus Harold Christ!!! That was eight fucking years ago people!! Here's the kicker. This latest hit piece put out by Disney that is called a "docudrama" in one breath calls out the Clinton Regime for not pulling the trigger on Osama and in another claims that when he did try to bomb bin Laden he was just creating a distraction or "wagging the dog" to divert attention from blowjob-gate. Which one is it Disney? You can't blame Bubba for not killing Osama and then blame him for trying.

Why ABC and everybody's mom needs to make a film about 9/11 is beyond me. This entire country has been mired in cataloguing and documenting the "how" or "why" planes were used as bombs for the past 5 years. We carpet bombed a country full of warlords and opium for about 2 months and then declared war on another country that we had already bombed the hell out of because it was supposed to make us feel better. And yet here we are 5 years down the road, still playing footsy with Pakistan and their "relationship" with the whereabouts of the worlds foremost terrorist. What happened to the whole "Wanted dead or alive" idea? The last time I checked Osama bin Laden wasn't seen waltzing through Brian Williams' wide shot outside the green zone in Baghdad.

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Murrow being channeled by Olberman... sort of

Edward R. Murrow could quite possibly be more relevant now than in the days of McCarthy. If you don't know of whom I speak please wiki the names immediately because I fear for your future offspring. These are heady times to be taken seriously. Please read Keith Olberman's editorial comment from last night. He's a smart person that speaks rationally.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12131617/#060830b

And here are the words of Murrow. A man truly ahead of his time.

“We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. We must remember always that accusation is not proof, and that conviction depends upon evidence and due process of law.
We will not walk in fear, one of another. We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason, if we dig deep in our history and our doctrine, and remember that we are not descended from fearful men, not from men who feared to write, to speak, to associate, and to defend causes that were for the moment unpopular.”

I'm just throwing this stuff out there because it's the only way I feel I can connect and begin to make a difference.

To quote Scoop Nisker:
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own."

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Tucker Carlson is still a dick.

I thought naming my first blog with something semi-vulgar, inflammatory and polarizing was the best way to go. The fact that the statement is indeed true was just gravy. Seriously, did he really think that he would win over any new demographic by losing the bowtie? To make matters worse he went with the unbuttoned collared shirt look, in what I can only imagine was a pathetic attempt to make him more appealling to the "average blue collar" viewer. This totally makes sense because when I think of an "everyman" I envision someone who is raised by the CEO of the PBS and the heiress of the Swanson frozen-food fortune.

Tucker: That bowtie didn't happen to contain your zenophobic, elitist worldview and sense of entitlement did it? The guy is a private school drop-out that has essentially been getting paid to "editorialize" his entire life based largely in part to his Dad's reputation as an actual journalist.

For all you need to know about Tucker just read the following summary from wiki about his confrontation in 2004 with Jon Stewart on Crossfire:

On Crossfire, prior to the 2004 Presidential Election, Carlson exchanged heated words with Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show. Stewart criticized the format of shows like Crossfire, calling Carlson and co-host Paul Begala "partisan hacks". Stewart asked the duo to "stop hurting America" and implied that shows like Crossfire were "dishonest" and failing miserably in their responsibility to the public discourse.

And yet Tuckers explanation for his behavior on Crossfire and subsequent termination from the show goes as follows:

(To Patricia Duff) "I resigned from Crossfire in April, many months before Jon Stewart came on our show, because I didn't like the partisanship, and I thought in some ways it was kind of a pointless conversation... each side coming out, you know, [raises fists] 'Here's my argument', and no one listening to anyone else. It was a frustrating place to work."

Let's see if we can follow Tucker's reasoning. He was going to leave Crossfire due to it's pointless partisan nature months before Jon Stewart called him and his show out for being partisan and pointless. Yet when given a chance to voice his frustration along with Stewart he chose to instead to tell Stewart that he wasn't being funny and then proceeds to chide Stewart for "sniffing [John Kerry's] throne" and not being a tough fake-news show. Makes perfect sense to me!

I just can't understand why Tucker's brand of white, priviledged, egomaniacal straight-talk hasn't vaulted MSNBC into a ratings powerhouse.

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