The Smelly Cheese

People have the power!... to screw things up.

Written by Captain Spork on 2:30 PM

Just in case you're still reeling from Carly Smithson being voted off American Idol, the Kamakazee Klintons soundly thumped The Man Who Invented Hope in the Pennsylvania primary on Tuesday. Yes, the "Rocky" film analogy did indeed hold true but not for the candidates. We the people are in fact Rocky Balboa, having gone all 12 rounds but losing the bout by decision. Instead of a boxing ring, we stumble around our living rooms mentally bloodied, yelling for our national "Adrian" to carry us home.

http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2008/04/23/us/0422-PENNREAX_index.html

I want this race to be over. On a personal level, I would really enjoy Barack Obama as our next president. In delivering his "losing" speech on Tuesday night he sounded presidential. With very few exceptions he always comes off as "presidential" material. Unfortunately, most of his missteps have been coming later in the campaign and not early on. The guy is human and most likely has some "undesirables" in his past. The most glaring and continually baffling is his church pastor. At some point he's gonna have to put some distance between this guy and himself since Rev. Wright isn't helping him that much. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/blake-fleetwood/rev-wright-obama-says-wha_b_98639.html

My personal preferences aside, there is this bothersome fact that the Democratic voters of America want be to heard. Even more bothersome to every reporter (that doesn't work or appear on the Fox News channel) is that some democrats are actually "choosing" Hillary over Obama. After a self-inflicted 15-month marathon campaign the general conceit goes something like this:

"How can they vote for her? Haven't they seen our glowing reviews of the man? Clearly these people must be misinformed.... or racist. Have they met Obama in person yet? Yes, that's it he just needs some 'one-on-one" time with the good people of ..."

Nope. Sometimes we are just cursed with choices. Damn you democracy!!! People are presented with choices everyday and some of them will no doubt fuck it up royally. For nearly 100 years Americans have been given a choice between Coke and Pepsi. Despite Coca-Cola's consistent delivery of a superior product, some misguided souls choose to waste their money on its watered-down counterpart. "Ain't that America, home of the free baby!" (I wonder if Mellencamp is a Pepsi guy...)

So we trudge on because... well because we can. We the people of these United States do not do so to piss off Chris Matthews or to deprive Soledad O'Brien of her beauty sleep. NO, we do this because we have convinced ourselves that having an alternative is our birthright. Maintaining the illusion of "freedom," is more comforting than facing the hard tasks ahead of us. Give me liberty or give me death... or give me a third option... something without death, preferably.

Sorry Chris, I'm just not that into you.

Written by Captain Spork on 10:59 AM

I think the only question now is whether this will comment strike so deeply at the "Tao of Matthews," that Chris' love affair with Obama could end. Poor Chris, such a douche and yet so unaware of his own douchebaggery.

Mr. McCain are you ready for your portrait?

Written by Captain Spork on 10:52 AM

There have been many xenophobic and racist statements during this campaign, some blatantly obvious and some more subtle. I don't even know where to put this one. It's just bad. Way to go, Associated Press. Sit Ubu, sit. Good dog.

John McCain's Media: AP Reporters give him some nice donuts

Written by Captain Spork on 10:46 AM

I'm going to bypass the ridiculous circus of the last few weeks, during which the "press" has been salivating over every word uttered by Hillary or Barack, and bring you the really hard-hitting journalism saved for John McCain.

100 years in Iraq here we come...

What is WHY TUESDAY?

Written by Captain Spork on 11:43 PM

This seems like a no brainer to me. We've got "Arbor Day," why not "Voting Day?"

Chasing our tails.

Written by Captain Spork on 5:46 PM

Last week marked the 5th anniversary of our incursion into the country of Iraq. This week also saw the number American soldiers "killed in action" rise to 4,000. Considering that I just filled up my gas tank yesterday at $3.58 per gallon, the war in Iraq is still of paramount importance to myself not to mention the millions of other citizens that have had to personally sacrifice something or someone to the military farce.

But according to every television news outlet on my cable lineup, I (the viewing audience) really respond to the political "food fight," in the democratic primary. Also, I seem to care a lot about the former Governor of New York paying tons of money for rough sex. Oh yes, and I care immensely about the personal trials of Britney, Lindsay and Hillary Duff. Hmmmm, that's really odd. I could've sworn that I really want to know why the fuck my congress hasn't done dick about the $350 million tax dollars that are being flushed down the toilet in Baghdad.

There I was thinking reversing the destructive policies of the Bush-Cheney regime was the most important thing on our political agenda... but boy was I wrong. I'm really glad that Keith Olbermann has been there nightly to incessantly (and objectively) remind me that the real enemy of American progress is the Clinton family. Thanks Keith for shining a light on the true injustice of Hillary Clinton's disastrous wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. After all if Bill Clinton hadn't sent those troops into Iraq and lied about weapons of mass destruction.... wait a minute. Wasn't George Bush the president that did all this stuff?

No, I'm probably mistaken... again. Silly me, I just have to remember that if Olbermann says it, it must be true. The same goes for Oprah. She's never wrong. That's my "O&O" policy. Olbermann is always truthful and objective because he speaks in that really cool, old school anchorman voice. Plus he's always pointing out how other people are "lying," ergo... Olbermann can't be fudging with the truth. And Oprah has a book club. People with their own book clubs clearly have better judgement than I do. Thus, Oprah can't be wrong about who to vote for in the next election.

Anderson Cooper on CNN just plain has an honest face. How can I not trust someone with that face? Blitzer's beard screams honesty. Those guys are "the most trusted name in news." The word trust is literally part of their slogan.

Basically I just have to accept the fact that what I'm interested in now is Barack Obama's tax return and Hillary Clinton's electability among white women ages 33-35 in Harrisburg, PA. After all a journalism organization would never purposely force-feed news items that are easier, cheaper and simpler to report on than the depressing, complicated realities that face our country. Never. It simply couldn't happen. Sean Hannity would never allow it.

Exhibit B378: Why John McCain will be president.

Written by Captain Spork on 2:31 PM

Roughly 5 million people are willing to watch "WWE Raw," on Monday nights. Not just for one hour either, these folks are making an investment from 9 p.m. to 11 p.m.

http://tv.zap2it.com/tveditorial/tve_main/1,1002,272%7C%7C%7Ccable,00.html

Even if half of these "viewers" aren't old enough to vote, that' still mean 2.5 million potential voters are watching grown men in tights "wrassle." And as I've pointed out previously, if the Nielsen folks think there are 5 million people watching you can tack on another 2-3 million folks that just aren't telling them about it.

Cue the John McCain victory speech.

"Friends, we will do whatever it takes to defeat Al Qaeda. And if that means we have to bodyslam, closeline or piledrive the terrorists... well then that's what we'll do!!!"

Why the hell do we vote on a Tuesday?

Written by Captain Spork on 2:26 PM

This is a great question from the people at http://www.whytuesday.org/. They've got some pretty compelling arguments for changing the way we conduct our elections. To me having a national voting day makes perfect sense. Give everybody the day (or at least the afternoon off) so they have the opportunity to vote. Why not?

We've got already got an "Arbor Day," why not "Voting Day?" Seems kinda ridiculous that it hasn't happened already.

It all depends on what your definition of "sniper fire," is?

Written by Captain Spork on 2:06 PM

OOPS!!! This is what Washington insiders call, "padding the resume." It is also known as "lying your ass off," or "being a politician."

Oddly enough I don't care what Hillary was doing in Bosnia 12 years ago, nor do I care what Obama's pastor was yelling about 5 years ago. I'm one of those silly people that lives in "the present." I'm not saying that I ignore history, not by a long shot. Our history is too be studied and kept on file as a resource of knowledge. It is not, however, the sole basis of our decision making.

I don' t walk into a deli with the intention of ordering a pastrami sandwich and change my mind because another customer says, "Hey I had a bad pastrami sandwich here 5 years ago." I order the fucking pastrami because I wanted the pastrami, plus who the fuck remembers a bad sandwich from 5 years ago?

More to come on how the media's nanosecond attention span is killing American culture and handing the presidency to John McCain.

The boob tube.

Written by Captain Spork on 10:06 AM

I fear that no matter how skillfully Barack Obama speaks nor how badly George Dubya fucks this country up, most of its citizens will not vote for "change." How do I know they will not vote? They'll be too busy voting for "America's Next Top Hip Hop/Urban dance troupe!" And who wouldn't want to be watching that show. I mean the winner gets a scholarship to the prestigious but completely unaccredited Montgomery T. Burns Institute of Krumping. Lord knows that there just aren't "krumping" outlets available for young black men these days, let alone enough motion pictures about the topic.

Here are the facts. Roughly 28 million people have come out to vote for either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton over the last 3 months. You can see the breakdown here http://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/2008/president/democratic_vote_count.html

"American Idol" has average 30 million viewers a week for roughly nine weeks.

http://tv.zap2it.com/tveditorial/tve_main/1,1002,272%7C%7C%7Cseason,00.html

And let me tell you when the Nielsen ratings company says 30 million people are watching your show it's probably closer to 40 million people since Nielsen still figures out how many people are watching by have a few hundred families fill out "diaries."

If these numbers hold true John McCain will become president simply due to the fact that 12 million adults will be content with watching Howie Mandel ordering supermodels to open brief cases on November 5th rather than registering to vote.

I truly hope that I am wrong, but I'm probably not.

Please turn off the TV and register to vote, or tell a friend.

http://www.declareyourself.com/

Obama I can believe in.

Written by Captain Spork on 5:10 PM

Yesterday, Barack Obama delivered the first speech of his entire campaign that actually got to me. His tone during the speech didn't have much emotion, nor did the words rise to "inspirational levels." What I got to watch yesterday was the "real deal." Obama was speaking as a man with a mixed heritage, and political aspirations for the white house. The most refreshing aspect to his speech was that he was actually talking candidly and honestly about race relations in our country. It was nuanced, lengthy and filled with the idea that we are diverse people complicated by our faiths, ethnicity and personal failures.

It wasn't "preachy," and it wasn't filled with soundbites either. Obama showed with this speech that he is the most brilliant politician of this young century. Every word was calculated and every pause intentional. This is the first time that I have heard him speak like the leader of a nation. I don't know if the speech is going to quell any of the "fears" of white people in Pennsylvania or Ohio, but it was a brilliantly delivered and should be heard by everyone.

Take a listen for yourself.

http://www.barackobama.com/index.php

Third Eye Blinded by the light.

Written by Captain Spork on 4:24 PM

I was listening to the Rachel Maddow show http://www.airamerica.com/maddow/ last week and I happened upon her interview with the singer from the lead singer of the band Third Eye Blind. 3EB (as they were once known) was a seminal group in my formative years, as musician and as a person. I loved their music and I probably wasn't alone in that, since there self-titled debut album sold a gazillion copies. Since that time my affinity for the group and for it's corporate leader, Stefan Jenkins, has long since disappeared.

Jenkins appeared on Rachel Maddow's show to talk about his support for Barack Obama. I'm not going to hold Barack Obama accountable for the people that support his campaign. I do have to disclose that Stefan Jenkins is a total douchebag and is probably only now inserting himself into the Obama movement for his own narcissistic agenda (the guy hasn't had a fucking hit in 7 years). What follows are some quotes from Jenkins' interview with Maddow about Obama's campaign and the evil that is Clinton politics. I'm quoting verbatim because it illustrates more clearly than I ever could the often irrational basis for which people find themselves in the thralls of Obamania.

Maddow: Democrats want somebody who is going to win and John McCain has to be taken down about ten notches.

Jenkins: We are in an age that's beyond 'we just want someone to win.' We did that with
Kerry we did that with Dukakis. There's a moment that's available here. And it's available
with Barack Obama. And it's not available with the Clintons. And the reason why is she will
manipulate what you think if she can. And she does it consistently.

Maddow: I think all politicians do.

Jenkins: No, I don't think so. I think Barack Obama is a guy who is willing to say what he
thinks and has a certain amount of trust in the electorate.. to get with it.

Maddow: If Hillary Clinton ended up winning the nomination, would you support her?"

Jenkins: I would have.

Maddow: Would have?

What follows this exchange is a story in which Jenkins name drops his former girlfriend Vanessa
Carlton (she's also happens to be his only connection to any music that could be referred to as either relevant or current) actually had a really positive experience with Bill, Hillary and Chelsea at a Clinton fundraiser. Jenkins confirms that Hillary has the ability to be really nice and
authentic, but right now she's being evil and displaying as Jenkins puts it, "her darker
angel."

First up, someone needs to tell Mr. Third Eye Blind that the people who wrote
Webster's Alternative/ Post-Grunge Thesaurus from 1997 need you to clear the use of "Darker
Angel" before claiming it as your own.

Secondly, I find extreme irony in Jenkins chastising the Clinton political family for behaving opportunistically and manipulating people. Jenkins is after all, the UC Berkeley english major that used numerous musicians and friends as literal stepping stones on his way to "rock stardom." He is the man that unceremoniously ousted his guitarist, song-writing partner and supposed friend Kevin Cadogan by literally leaving him at a hotel in Colorado after a show in the middle of tour. Why would he do that? Simple, so he wouldn't have to share in the credit or profit of any "3EB Production" venture. Don't believe me.
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9905E1DD143FF933A15755C0A9649C8B63&scp=1&sq=Kevin+Cadogan&st=nyt
The music industry is filled with even more shark-like scumbags than Washington.

The history of Third Eye Blind and its singer's level of assholishness is ancient history. But Stefan Jenkins attitude in his support of Barack Obama does illuminate a lot of issues surrounding the Democratic race for the presidency. It has finally made clear in my mind why I have a hesitancy about fully "giving myself" to Obamania.

Jenkins is of the mind that he, along with many other democrats and Obama supporters will not support a Hillary Clinton presidential nomination. There is this notion being bantied about that all of the "new" voters that have been inspired by Barack Obama will stay home in the November general election if Clinton (miraculously) wins her party's nomination. If any Obama supporter were actually to withhold there vote in the general election in protest of Hillary Clinton, or god forbid vote for McCain, what does that say about that voter in the first place.

Barack Obama's campaign is about "change." He is directly opposed to most, if not the entirety of the Bush presidency. He wants to change our direction in Iraq by pulling out our troops. He wants to change the way we do "business" in the world. I admire him for these beliefs and for his rhetoric. By his own admission, Obama has very little substantive differences on the "issues" with Mrs. Clinton. There differences lie firmly in the realm of "personality" and "attitude." So, if confronted with a choice between Clinton, McCain or not voting many Obama supporters will specifically not choose Hillary. Doesn't that action essentially negate all of the "change" that Obama stands for? How could "change" possibly come about with a McCain presidency?

It would seem that an Obama supporter with this attitude doesn't actually want "change," but rather to be on the "winning team." The lofty ideals which their candidate speaks of only matter if he can implement them himself. No good can come from anyone but their candidate. There is no light but his light. To these false Obama supporters, I say fuck you. Fuck you and your weak-minded short-sighted naivety. Fuck you and fragile egos and your ignorant sense of entitlement. Where the fuck have you been for the last ten years? I've busting my ass, cold calling and canvasing districts trying to get the people that I believe in elected for 10 years! Now you, the "new voter," claim some kind of omniscient superiority that moves beyond politics. How fucking arrogant. Your newly minted need to be "inspired," trumps things like the economy, housing, health care, war and death.

To any of those out there who think that Barack Obama is anything but a democratic politician running for president: Get a goddamn grip on reality. If you dare sit out the November election out of a sense or moral superiority I truly feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you because you'll probably dismiss my opinion as "fear mongering" or some kind of "old politics." The simple fact is that you don't understand the art of manipulation, nor the price of admission for the show.

Where's a militant brotha when you need one?

Written by Captain Spork on 2:45 PM

I call it like I see it. When Barack first announced his candidacy the "old guard," featuring the likes of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson floated the idea that he wasn't "black enough." This notion has been resoundingly thumped since, by black voters turning out in record number for Obama in the Democratic primary season. Some of it is "identity politics," some of it isn't.

As a life-long liberal democrat (noun: guilty white person who has very limited interaction outside his own neighborhood) I've donated my time, gave my money and my vote to Barack Obama because it was the first opportunity I have ever had to give a black man the chance to take the white house. It's long overdue and the time has come. This wasn't my only reasoning for voting for Barack, but it was a big factor, as I assume it was with many other democratic voters. He's an inspiring guy with a positive message and outlook. He also has the added benefit of having an actual personality, some style. He's probably the most charismatic leader I've wanted to vote for since Bill Clinton (Neither men could ever approach the krump factor of Lil Jon but they look pretty vibrant compared to Bob Dole and Chris Dodd).

But let's not kid ourselves, if Barack Obama was a white guy he be battling John Edwards for the vice-presidency. I don't agree with Geraldine "I'm old and I don't have to censor myself," Ferraro. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/13/us/politics/13ferraro.html?em&ex=1205553600&en=c32e1091707eac04&ei=5087%0A

Barack is a capable politician who has run a superior campaign. His intriguing biography along with his unique ethnicity have coalesced at exactly the right time when the American people, more specifically democrats, are ready... no foaming at the mouth to see an entirely different face in the white house. You can't get much different than a half black guy named Barack Obama. He is the dream candidate for any liberal democrat. I have forcibly stopped myself from drinking the Obamanaid and I'm still find myself tuning into every speech he makes on television. I'm still forking over cash to his campaign (seriously dude, how much more do you need?) and I still find myself watching him speak and thinking "Wow, that guy looks presidential."

All of Obama's enthusiasm, charisma, experience, inexperience and "juice" cannot change the fact that he is profoundly different, in one particular facet, than any other eventual nominee in our nation's history. I'm not knocking it. I like it. Truth be told, if he were a white man delivering the same speeches I'd probably would've voted for Edwards. But he isn't the same old boring white guy is he?

John McCain: A really great guy unless you're a military man.

Written by Captain Spork on 12:05 PM

Not surprisingly, John McCain doesn't exactly "support the troops" at least not with his congressional pocketbook. http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/2/26/123532/692/322/464441

I know what your thinking. How could a man whose entire life and career is built on military service be so stingy when it comes to the military? Well, I have only two rational theories.

The first being that McCain is suffering from "old man on the porch" syndrome. In his eyes these goddamn punk kids in Iraq and Afghanistan have it way to easy into today's warfare. After all unless you've spent a minimum of 5 years in a torture camp, how can you live up to his standards? He was beaten ever two hours for several years like clockwork, so whether or not some Private gets an extra layer of Kevlar isn't on the top of his "to do list." In other words John McCain is a lot like the Jack Nicholson character in "A Few Good Men."

The second theory involves John McCain slowly but surely selling his senatorial career and reputation over to weapons manufacturing lobbyists, the extreme right-wing of the GOP and president G.W. Bush's legacy. Sure it goes against the idea that McCain only speaks in "straight talk" and wants to reform campaign finances, but it has ensured him an opportunity to become president.

If we postulate that both theories could be true then essentially we are left with the idea that certain sacrifices must be made in order for John McCain to become president. Maybe a few thousand American troops, a few thousand from Iraqi security forces and 40-50,000 civilians. These are conservative estimates at best and since John McCain claims that we can't leave until the job is done you can basically double or triple those numbers for the anticipated 10-20 year occupation.

All of this must be done so Senator McCain can fulfill complete his own legacy or war hero, senator and president. Is this so he can feel that his own personal sacrifice in Vietnam meant something? Isn't being a senator enough? Isn't being a good human being enough?

I think John McCain could save himself and the American people a lot of heartache and money if he were to build his own foundation for wounded veterans. Or maybe he could just start talking with another soldier that's been through hell and back.

I'm not mocking the man's service. He's clearly a much more stalwart person than myself, but I see in him a deeply flawed leader and human being. This guy has got "unresolved issues" coming out of every pore on his body. He's not conflicted. His experiences in war haven't lead him to some greater understanding. He's a man seeking revenge against an enemy that died a long time ago. And now that he has adopted the neoconservative outlook of the Bush white house, he's ready to reshape the rest of the globe with assault weapons and water boarding.

If McCain does obtain his prize and become the next president, I'd probably end up feeling sorry for him on some level. He would become a failed president whose strong moral fiber crumbled under the unbearable weight of an ideology that wasn't really his own to begin with. He would no longer be remembered as a war hero but a war monger and a man who could not bring his country back from the brink of perpetual conflict.

It's not show friends. It's show business.

Written by Captain Spork on 7:37 PM

Barring an unforeseen miracle or three, Barack Obama will probably be the Democratic nominee for president of these United States of America. I'm not sure when that will happen exactly nor do I really care anymore. I don't even care who's the VP either because the longer this shit storm continues the candidates begin to look more and more like one in the same (no, not literally... ughh could you imagine them have a kid? That is one fucking ugly kid). Make no mistake, the closer the delegate numbers get the dirtier the campaign ads will be. And from a purely "politics junkie" vantage point, I really love seeing this. Not because I've got any real affinity with either of them (my heart is with Obama and my head is with Hillary, yadda yadda). I love watching this because Barack is finally pulling back the curtain and revealing his true self, a politician. If anybody thinks for a split second that Barack doesn't want to sit in the Oval Office just as much as Hillary does, you're being utterly naive. This guy has balls the size of Nebraska. He'd barely been sworn in as a senator and he was already planning his limosine route down Arlington Road. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/09/us/politics/09obama.html

At this point, I'm spent on this whole fucking mess. I don't really blame either of Clinton or Obama for behaving like political animals. I tell you who I do blame, the D to tha N to tha motha flippin' C. Good job Howard Dean. This election should've been a cakewalk through November and yet you and Harry Reidand Nancy Pelosi have managed to create something that is now well beyond a clusterfuck. This is a craptacular fuckopoly of third degree.

John McCain is sharing his BBQ recipes with the press core while your two candidates are kicking each other in the crotchal region in hopes that the lovely people of Wyoming will provide another record turnout. http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2008/03/02/politics/fromtheroad/entry3898127.shtml

Howard Dean, ever the optimist, is just excited that voter turnout is so high. Hey Howard, somebody is on the phone for you. Who? The whole goddamn state of Florida you fuck head! We could have lawsuits in the state of Florida screwing up the Democratic party... again. Way to go Dr. Dean, you stupid fuckstick.

No, I haven't forgotten my most beloved congress-people, Representative Pelosi and Senator Reid. Have you two actually done anything in the last 14 months? Aside from holding press conferences chiding president Bush for not playing by the rules? Goddamn it I don't care how nice of a Mormon Harry Reid is, he comes off like a dipshit tool on television. Have some backbone Harry. Drink some fuckin' coffee and start puttin' some hutzpah into your work.

And Nancy, dear sweet Nancy. Where the hell did Nancy "I'll put your nuts in a vice," Pelosi dissappear to? I miss her. I miss the bitch with the crazy eyes. The kind of eyes that flicker back and forth between "grandma loves you," and "where the fuck is my latte!!?"

Somebody better end this mess very soon or we'll end up with,

Scenario #1: A popularity contest between an old, white war hero who makes some mean ribs and has no problem putting his foot on the throat of the entire Muslim "community" and a virtually unknown junior senator who's part black and has a Muslim name and has just spent the better part of year talking trash to one of the most successful women in the free world.

Scenario #2: A popularity contest between the aforementioned trigger happy, Viet Cong POW and a bitchy, pissed off former first lady that has spent the better part of her year trashing one of the most popular and inspirational candidates in the last 20 years... oh, yeah and he's half African American and the son of an immigrant goat farmer.

"Come on people now, smile on your brother. Everybody get together try to love one another right now."

Driving tip #528

Written by Captain Spork on 1:11 PM

Here's another friendly tip for my fellow California motoring enthusiasts. If you are driving one lane over from a vehicle that is ahead of you and the either of your front corners line up with either of their rear corners... that driver probably can't see you very well.

Why any driver would think that this is a safe angle and distance to maintain at any speed defies logic. If you had a car directly in front of you would you follow 3 ft behind? Well yes you would... if you're a tool fuckhead that does that kind of thing. But you're not a tool fuckhead, right? So don't drive in the blind spot.

Thank you and please remember that "putting it out to the universe" doesn't actually make your turn signal work. You still have to physically do it yourself.

Illustration A3:

DO NOT DO THIS.

Keith Olbermann is clearly in the tank.

Written by Captain Spork on 10:34 PM

By taking pieces of Jon Stewart's shtick from the Oscars and a sketch from SNL mocking the mainstream media for "being in the tank for Obama," and then trying to use them as anti-Hillary Clinton material... Keith has in fact demonstrated that clearly does have "Obama Fever."

Keith, and not surprisingly the rest of the stuffy shirts with press credentials, think that Hillary Clinton doesn't understand that Saturday Night Live is just a "skit show," and they don't actually think the media is in the tank for Obama.

Well, here's the thing Keith. The reason the SNL writers put that sketch as the opener for their first live show in 3 months (and the first of the political primary season) is actually due to the fact that they do think you're in the tank for the Obama Campaign. See, satire doesn't "the opposite of what I'm saying." It's usually just an exaggerated version of the truth.

Sorry, dude. I think your ratings are starting to get to your head.

No Country for Old Books

Written by Captain Spork on 4:48 PM

I watched the now Oscar-winning,"No Country for Old Men," for the second time over the weekend. It's well, made (as most everything the Coen brothers make is) and it's a very chilling and intense flick. I'm not going to "spoil" the film's plot for anyone who hasn't seen it. But I have to put a question out there after seeing one of the lead actors accept an academy award last night on TV. Am I supposed to understand what the hell he was saying in the movie? I mean I could understand Javier Bardem's speech last night, but in the movie... not so much.

Spoiler alert!!! Highlight to read. I get that he's supposed to represent death, although as a metaphor for death he did seem kind of vulnerable. If he is supposed to be a true harbinger of doom, shouldn't I at least be able to understand his dialogue. And this totally wasn't about his accent. I'm almost absolutely certain that they slowed down his voice in post production (trust me I do that stuff for a living). If that was the intention I get that. But if you're going to make your main character play evil incarnate at least have the few words that he does say be audible to most humans. Or is that part of the whole shtick? Your not supposed to understand death when it comes for you? I call shenanigans!! If death is a character in your movie that is relentless, omniscient and invincible then he better be able to communicate properly. Otherwise he's just a crazy hitman with a bad haircut and thick spanish accent. End spoilers.

Apparently from some emails I've received I should read the book No Country for Old Men, to make sense of the film. To this I also call shennanigans! The ending of this movie made sense to me, I got the themes and the allusions. There's some stuff in the middle that just flat out looked like bad editing or poor directorial choices. Here's a hint if you're going to kill a pivotal main character in a suspense "cat and mouse," film don't have that character die "off screen," leaving your audience wondering what the hell happened. It's even worse if you then ask the audience to re-focus their attention on another ancillary character who turns out actually to be "the main character." If you're going to adapt a novel into a screenplay don't hide behind "being faithful to the novel." You're movie has to stand on its own merit.

I'm getting real tired of crazy serial killer characters being metaphors for death. First off don't real-life crazy fucks get enough attention already. Is there not enough death and mayhem going around these days? I fast forwarded through most of the Oscars last night, because in large part it's just a bunch of overpaid actors and directors sitting politely in ridiculously expensive clothes verbally masturbating with each other over how wonderfully complex and rich their "art" was during the past year. I really like the Coen brothers film's, but am I really gonna learn anything about mortality or morality from a couple of New York Jews that went to film school? No offense boys, I loved "Fargo," but you're opining about "life and death," seems a bit trivial when men half your age are getting shrapnel lodge in their asses in the middle of the desert.. for realz.

Bitch is the new Black!!!

Written by Captain Spork on 1:23 PM

SNL, I thought I missed you this political season but I found out that I really just missed Tina Fey as your head writer. This ultimately made me miss 30 Rock and so I just busted out those DVDs. Fey hit home with a lot of funny and little more of the hurtful truth. Watch it here in it's entirety after viewing a brief message from one of NBC's wonderful sponsors:

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/#mea=221773

(Side note: Hey NBC, how's that new download service working out for ya? I bet a lot of people would've paid a couple of bucks to download that SNL episode last weekend on iTunes. Nah, I'm sure you're doing great with that new NBC download thingy... what's it called? I can't remember the name. Oh I'm sure I'll think of it before I get impatient enough to download all of your shows for free on BitTorrent.)

Ralph Nader: A great man or the greatest man ever?

Written by Captain Spork on 11:05 AM

Ralph Nader is once again doing a great service to all citizens of our nation by throwing his hat into the presidential ring.
http://www.votenader.org/index.html

I would like to personally thank Mr. Nader for his visionary leadership and bravery. To look the democrat, republican, libertarian and green parties straight in the eyes and say," I know you've moved on but I'm still better than you," is beyond courageous. It's downright inspirational. To be able to see past his 0.37 percent of the 2004 electorate as an independent candidate is both laudable and heroic. Sure, he may be 74 years old, but his mind is as clear as ever. Ralph Nader is ready to take this country in the right direction. He is the next preside-- I'm sorry. My keyboard incurred a hostile invasion from someone wearing a "Nader Raider," t-shirt and seemingly had not showered in a few years.

Fuck Ralph Nader. How long is this douchebag going to guilt trip people with, "Hey I'm the guy that made the auto industry put seat belts in your car!" shtick? Despite his protestation on this interview with Tim Russert http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23319215/, he did make it possible for Jorge Bush to become president. In 2000, Ralph Nader saw Bush having no substantive differences with Gore. Now, in 2008, Nader cannot admit that Barack Obama would make a better president than John McCain. Really Ralph? Obama wouldn't be better for the country than McCain? Is that why you have to continue fighting for the American people?

You, the Great Nader, and only you have the solutions to fix our ailing nation. Ralph Nader is only running for president because he is sad and lonely old man. He has no children, no wife, nor a partner in his efforts to change the world. He is a once great muckraker that has refused to buy a car let alone a computer or embrace the ever-changing world around him. For Nader, it is still 1969 or 1976 and he is still a relevant social advocate lawyer crusading around the country saving all of us from the evils of corporate America.

Nader supporters cite the last 7 years of the Bush administration as the absolute reason why a corporate crusader candidate is desperately needed, now more than ever. I site these last seven, hell even 20 years as a prime reason why Ralph Nader needs to get a fuckin life. He should have passed his baton to someone different a long time ago, because clearly hasn't reverberated with the people for a long time. The man doesn't own a car, nor does he own a home. According to wikipedia (so it's gotta be true), "...he lives on $25000 a year and gives most of his stock earnings to many of the over four dozen non-profit organizations he has founded." He apparently holds $1 million dollars of Cisco stock, yet has no idea what his own website looks like or how to access it.

Ralph Nader has become our nation's crazy old uncle that just needs to be appeased every couple of years with a little bit of mainstream media coverage. He may be fighting the good fight in his own mind, but he's wasting my time and yours by putting his name on a ballot. He knows he can't win, he knows that he won't win so what is he doing it for? The principles of an open democracy? Third party viability? No, Ralph Nader is running for president as an advocate for social and political change so that he can be remembered by a small percentage of the world's population as "an advocate for social and political change." Fuck you Ralph Nader. You'd be tolerable if you were just a smug, egocentric pseudo-intellectual. Alas, you're much worse. You're totally ineffective.

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