The Smelly Cheese

A pragmatic take on the most foul stuff on the planet: politics.

TLA

Hopefully, this will work out.

Written by Captain Spork on 12:52 PM

I've put my money where my mouth will be on February 5th and have donated to the Barack Obama campaign. I was looking forward to voting for John Edwards, mainly because he was a guy that was truly pissed off about what had happened to this country in the last few years and wasn't afraid to show it.

But, alas he has bowed out of the campaign to play the role of elder statesman and not cause total confusion at the Democratic convention. Which I happen to think is kind of another tangent of paranoia that plays right into the GOP's playbook. "We can't look indecisive in choosing a candidate." Of course not, because then the big bad republicans will use their magic public relations spell on us again and call us, "flip-floppers," or "weak on terror." So, let's just widdle the candidates down to the person who says the least offensive things and looks good on camera. I digress.

Barack Obama is the man of the moment and he appears to be a man that can actually win the election. Do I think he's going to change the world? Probably not. Do I think he's a decent human being that can actually project the kind of leadership becoming of the president of United States? Absolutely. And that has to be enough for now because the ship we are sailing needs to plot a different course.

So here's a toast to the idea that hope and truth still have a place in our world. And for good measure, I'll toss in a prayer that voters are more interested in rebuking Bush Jr, than they are afraid to vote for someone with a different skin tone. Get ready people. This is going to be a bumpy year.

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Way to finish strong, jackass.

Written by Captain Spork on 5:02 PM



What can we really say at this point. He's just an asshole, wannabe cowboy that unfortunately has veto power and access to "nuculer," codes. When John McCain (arguably his biggest supporter left) doesn't show up for his last big speech it demonstrates how much the country wants to move on.



He's not irrelevant by any means. Bush still has plenty of time and methods to fuck over virtually every class, color or creed in America. That's why it's important than ever to keep an eye on him. Harry Reed and Nancy Pelosi appear unable or unwilling to appropriate enough money to put in a traffic signal without forking over $100 billion for Iraq. So it falls on us, the little people, to make sure Uncle Dubya doesn't try and sell the actual Oval Office to Halliburton. Oh, right.

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The new politics of not playing well with others.

Written by Captain Spork on 2:43 PM


Paul Krugman had a really smart column on the current "nature" of the democratic race. He's a much smarter and eloquent person than I am so I will not attempt to summarize it.




Bill Clinton is behaving like a politician. Bill Clinton is being highly critical of his wife's main competition, Barack Obama. Is this really newsworthy? Bill Clinton is a magnificant salesman, first and foremost. Right now his job is selling the idea that his wife is the most qualified person for the job of president. There are no unwritten rules that preclude him from behaving "un-presidential." This is an unprecedented campaign with a two-headed political monster that's already occupied the White House. Bill has a chance to get back into the Oval Office and prove that despite his personal flaws and fuck-ups, he and Hillary knew how to get the job done.


But now in the 24-news cycle, politically correct era we live in everything is analyzed... and over analyzed. Bill Clinton has not so sublty floated the idea that "race" is an issue in this campaign. The media, both left and right, have resoundly told Bill that he needs to fade into the background and stop mucking things up. One side is doing so because they loathe him and everything he represents and the other does so out of a sense of paranoia.


So, Bill will most likely take a back seat to Hillary and say "only nice things," from here on out. By doing so I think he will perform the entire democratic party, and the country, a disservice. Race is an issue in the political game and come the general election it's only going to nastier and more precise. So, Obama better get a tougher chin than he's got now because Karl Rove and the good ole boys aren't going to be very gentle or sublte.

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Fix the economy, Stupid.

Written by Captain Spork on 1:25 PM

The Dow Jones is going up and down faster than a (insert Pacific Rim country here) prostitute. I don't really understand much about projections, short-term buying and selling or basically anything beyond my college econ class. What I do understand is that a lot of americans are losing their homes and their jobs. While there are probably a myriad of reasons, such as sub-prime lending, to blame for our national predicament I have a more immediate solution to our fiscal dilemma.

Our efforts to bring democracy to the world and more specifically our boondoggle in Iraq is going to cost $193 billion dollars this year. http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSN2365065420080124

I busted out my calculater and I think that breaks down to roughly $528 million per/day. Now some of that is for Afghanistan and the larger "war on terrorism." So, even if we keep doing that some estimates have said that the Iraq clusterfuck is still costing upwards of $300 million per/day.
So here's my big idea: Let's pull a bunch of our soldiers out of Iraq so we don't have to spend $300 million a day on a country that doesn't give a shit about what we think or our personal welfare. Hell, I don't even know if Iraqis give two shits about their own welfare. Have they really demonstrated that they want a unifying democracy? I guess they have, if you count the kind of democracy where the opposing parties literally bomb eachother's headquarters and assassinate members of parliment.




The U.S. dollar could be less weak and pathetic and the lending crisis wouldn't be such a "crisis," if we weren't using our national credit card to keep the people of Iraq from killing eachother. As an added bonus young men and women serving in our military wouldn't have to die in a struggle that has no end in sight.




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Welcome to the "No Reward Zone."

Written by Captain Spork on 12:55 PM

Not surprisingly Best Buy and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers have something in common: They both think that we're all a bunch of fucking idiots.

For those that frequent Buy More... err.. I mean Best Buy, you are probably familiary with their "rewards" system. It seems pretty simple. You buy shit at their store and scan your rewards card with each purchase to earn "points." Those points can eventually be redeemed for "gift certificates." These certificates can be sent by "snail mail," or this new fangled invention called "electronic mail." Perhaps you're more familiar with it's shortened name "email."
According to the best buy reward zone website having your certificates physically mailed will take approximately 6-8 weeks or more specifically some time long enough for you to forget about said certificates. Electronic mail delivery will allow you to, "receive your reward certificates faster." This is where Best Buy and myself seem to occupy two separate realities. I've been sending and receiving "email," for about 15 years and the true beauty of it is that your message is sent almost instantly. The "mail" doesn't have to make any lengthy sojourn across states lines or international borders. The Internet is in fact a virtual network. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f99PcP0aFNE

So you can understand my surprise when, after checking my "points status" at the Best Buy website yesterday, I saw that two $20 certificates were "issued on 01/16/08." I had already my inbox for the certificates and clearly there was nothing wrong on my end of the interweb galactic interface, since I was still receiving plenty of other fabulous offers from Best Buy and their subsidiaries.

What had happened? Was my electronic mail stolen by certificate-hording Internet gnomes? Did I need to approve Best Buy as "my friend," before using the certificates? No. Sadly none of these explanations were true. After speaking with Jeff, a man who was clearly located in the contiguous United States, the culprit appears to be the painstaking process of electronic gift certificate making.

I was unaware that after I've earned enough "reward points," to elicit one or more gift certificates and the Best Buy computer system acknowledges that fact, that's when the real work begins. It's a process that can take up to 7 business days. Boy was I wrong about the Internet. Apparently, sending out electronic certificates isn't the insanely simple automated computer function I thought it was. Of course Jeff, the helpful young man on the phone, couldn't reveal the inner-workings of this magical process so I can only imagine how it all goes down.

It probably all starts in the certificate factory, where a small group of master blacksmiths make hammer out the mold for what will become my certificate. While normally this process would take months, Best Buy makes sure that the blacksmiths have the pure steel version of the certificate ready in 2 days. Then it is sent to a world class artist/calligrapher where the steel is decorated in yellow and blue gold flakes. Real gold flakes, folks. After the hand written information is sealed on with a layer of polyolefin, the certificate is sent off to the Best Buy 3D Supermega Imager 500. This where my gold flaked certificate is rearranged molecule by molecule and eventually shrunk down to a two-dimensional image that can be more easily transported. It's a good thing too, because in order for the certificate to reach my inbox it will have to travel 24 straight hours through the Best Buy interweb underground tubing system.
I guess I should just consider myself lucky if the certificate arrives in one piece. After all, a company like Best Buy would never purposely delay the delivery of rewards, cash or prizes in order to inflate the appearance of their actual earnings.




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John Gibson: Asshole or the biggest asshole?

Written by Captain Spork on 12:53 PM

There has to be some special kind of hell for people like John Gibson. For the record, I really enjoyed Heath Ledger as an actor and was very interested in seeing him as the Joker in the next Batman film. More importantly it's sad that he's no longer alive.

It's sick enough that some asshat has a radio show with which he can mock the dead and preach hate politics, but it's even sicker that there are people listening to him and laughing along.

For those people, I feel the ultimate pity.

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Seriously, you're embarrassing yourself

Written by Captain Spork on 4:34 PM

Below a video of Chris Matthews' rambling, "I'm sorry that some of you were offended," faux apology for insulting Senator Hillary Clinton after she won the New Hampshire primary. To recap the inciting incident these were his words, verbatim:


"Look, I think that may be true. I think the Hillary appeal has always been somewhat about her mix of toughness and sympathy for her. Let's not forget -- and I'll be brutal -- the reason she's a U.S. senator, the reason she's a candidate for president, the reason she may be a front-runner is her husband messed around. That's how she got to be senator from New York. We keep forgetting it.

She didn't win there on her merit. She won because everybody felt, 'My God, this woman stood up under humiliation,' right? That's what happened. That's how it happened. In 1998 she went to New York and campaigned for Chuck Schumer as almost like the grieving widow of absurdity, and she did it so well and courageously, but it was about the humiliation of Bill Clinton."

For the full context of the conversation look back a few entries here or check out the clip
here http://mediamatters.org/items/200801090008.


Well, first off Chris seems to have an odd sense of "heat of the moment." I don't think he
was in the middle of a heated discussion about anything when he said. In fact I think
that's the most mellow I've ever seen him on television. The conversation he was having
was in fact a one-way conversation and there wasn't any "moment" for Matthews to get
carried away in. Not once does he even get that fucking disgusting old-man spittle at the
corners of his mouth.

In his verbose, self-aggrandizing apology the words "apologize," "sorry," "regret," or
"remorse," never come up. Nor does the phrase, "I was wrong." The only thing this
cro-magnon regrets is that his viewers, his colleagues and his boss "perceived," he was
behaving like an ass. He doesn't like the Clintons, especially Hillary. But rather than
admit that truth he gets wet in his loins every time a Clinton utters a syllable and slings
verbal arrows under the guise of journalism. Then when he gets slapped on the wrist for
behaving badly he wants his viewers to believe that he only says these things because, "he
cares too much," about politics and politicians.

Here's the hypocracy. The man that plays Hardball with all of his political guests, the
same man that demands complete and total straightforwardness from the politicians has
himself given a "politician's apology." There were a lot of words said, but after 5
minutes there wasn't any accountability. Sure, it sounded like he was apologizing but the
man couldn't actually push pass the threshold of semi-regret.


Chris Matthews has been exposed in the past two years as lecherous, disgusting human being
that truly cannot see the difference between real life and politics. He exists in a bubble
of straw-man arguments and D.C. media junk. The sad part is I think he's trying to do
these controversial things because he knows that Keith Olbermann is the new face of MSNBC
and the new standard of liberal political pundits. It's sad for Matthews because, unlike
Olbermann, he can't actually contribute any real journalism or insight to the culture. He
can only bloviate, pontificate and frustrate those around him.

My only wish is for him to stay on the air long enough for Tom Brokaw to scold him again
for behaving like a 61-year old petulant child.

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It's too late to apologize... Chris Matthews.

Written by Captain Spork on 4:11 PM

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Happy Blu Year!!!

Written by Captain Spork on 7:03 PM

My friends have laughed at me for my slavish loyalty to the SONY brand name, but it has never steered me wrong in the personal electronics world. Sure you pay a lot extra for the brand, but goddamn it you're gonna get a good machine. So why would I stray from the family of Sony products when choosing a next generation dvd player? I blame Microsoft. I blame Halo 3. That's who I blame.


Having already purchased an xbox 360, I was less the $200 away from having a fully integrated HDDVD home entertainment system. It seemed like a reasonable trade off at the time. Xbox clearly had more kick-ass games than the Sony PS3 and I could watch a plethora of movie titles in hi-def on Toshiba's HDDVD format. Winner, right? Yes... for about 2 months. Then Warner Bros announced that it would no longer be releasing movies in both formats. Game, set and match. The high definition war has been won by Sony. The future is indeed Blu-ray. Oh, don't worry if you plunked down a bunch of cash for those slightly less expensive HDDVD players and movies you can still watch them. Just know that basically 75% of all movies that are released in hi-def aren't available to you.

Thanks a lot Toshiba! What the fuck was I thinking? Toshiba. When has Toshiba ever come out with anything that screams, "Oh, yeah! I gotsta get me one of those Toshibas!" Now it makes sense why the HDdvd player was so cheap in the first place. I knew I should've waited it out. Now I'm forced start my dvd collection all over again.


By the power of Thor, Greyskull and any other fictitious deity... I will never ignore my insane need to by Sony products again.

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Speedy Checkout

Written by Captain Spork on 12:44 PM


We're all familiar with the idea of "express checkout." It's for those folks who would like to buy a handful of items but can't wait for a mother feeding what seems like a small battalion of sugar-consuming bug monsters (think Vincent D'Onofrio in MIB 2). In theory it's a win-win situation for everyone. Though ever so slowly all kinds of shopping outlets have been fucking around with the very definition of express or "speedy" checkout.


20 items or less for a express lane? No frakking way. Blurg that. When the hell did 20 items constitute a quick transaction? Never, that's when. 10 items or less, 15 maximum and that's pushing it. Let's be honest depending on the IQ and motivation level of your "checker," those 15-20 items could have you yearning for the days when you could've easily scooted up behind the morbidly obese woman purchasing 200 cans of Fancy Feast.


Sure 20 widgets doesn't sound like an overly absurd amount in theory, but practically? Come on people. You know that once you give that guy with 18 things in his shopping cart an inch he's gonna take a mile. "Oh, what's that sir? You'd like three packs of Marlboro light and four books of stamps? Why certainly." Nor can we forget the old lady who's got 16 coupons for 14 items... and has to end up writing a check because she got Walmart and Walgreen's confused.


I've saved the best for last. There is a special level of hell for the absent minded guy on his phone that "accidentally" found himself in the express lane. Coincidentally, his cart has 4,000 items in it. "Oh I didn't realize this was the express line," he protests. You didn't realize? Oh, that's a simple mistake. These stores make it so difficult to discern which line is which. I know I was really confused when I saw that 3 ft flashing cube of light with the words,"Express Checkout: 15 items or less," that is currently 20 inches from your face. But hey, how could you tell.


If you're like me and you want this kind of blatant corruption to be thwarted, please support the Kucinich/Gravel ticket in 2008. Together, we can do anything. Additionally, we can make alien abduction and the inevitable probing a more pleasant and productive experience for every citizen.


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Chris Matthews Clinton Hate-Boner: Day 2963

Written by Captain Spork on 7:44 PM

Admittedly, all of Washington DC enjoyed declaring Hillary's campaign dead and anointing Obama as the "King of New America," or something. Still there's something warm and fuzzy about Matthew's brand of seething contempt.

Now, I thought I knew how to hold on to "old stuff" and let it fester inside to a boiling rage but this man needs to be medicated. I don't think Chelsea, Bill or Hillary combined has thought about Lewinksy-gate as much as Matthews. I love the second part, which is just pure, sexist, Irish Catholic bravado. Sure Chris, she was elected senator of New York because they felt sorry for her. Have you ever been to New York in the last twenty years Chris? Ummm, let's just say not a real "touchy-feely" kind of state.

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Tom Brokaw has to bitch slap Chris Matthews.

Written by Captain Spork on 7:29 PM

Exhibit 1A in the case of "Matthews vs. Reality." Yes, Chris there is actual journalism outside of reporting poll results.

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Don't Tell New Hampshire What it can't do!!!

Written by Captain Spork on 6:59 PM



The great state of New Hampshire has spoken. Much to the entire Washington press core's dismay, older white folks declared they like the white lady slightly better than the black guy. While a smaller group of even older, whiter people declared that they like... the oldest, whitest guy.


Goddamn it! Now we have to sit through 48 more of these damn primary things. Yes, I'm sorry "guy that writes for the New Republic," you'll actually have to wait until the other 99% of the country weighs in before you can go back to playing Call of Duty 4 at the office.



Jonny Stewart summarized things best on "A" Daily Show last night:

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Blowjob Gate 2008: Lewinsky Redux Edition

Written by Captain Spork on 4:48 PM


I must have missed something in the last two months because Hillary Clinton transformed from the strongest national candidate and "inevitable" Democratic nominee to a cash-strapped, battered woman on the verge of tears.



Oh, you missed that too? You probably did because Mrs. Clinton is in fact not working the street corner for a twenty as the media would have believe? In fact virtually nothing has happened in any debate to any of the candidates of any significance to warrant the recent poll numbers shift. The candidates have been saying all the same crap ad nauseum. What did happen is the national media got bored with Hillary and sick of seeing Bill Clinton no the campaign trail again. Did Barack Obama suddenly wake up with more foreign policy experience? Did foreign policy become suddenly less important? Did Iowans turn on a dime and decide "Hey, I remember that lady when she was married to the other President! She ain't no good,"? Simply, no.
I find it hard to believe that voters are going to turn away because they're still smarting from the wagging "I did not have sex" finger. Are we really going to punish a woman for using her husband's popularity to launch her career? I say if it's good enough for Courtney Love then it's good enough for Hillary Clinton. Plus she's not going to be flashing her goods to everybody inside a Dairy Queen 5 years from now.
The media has become very adept at dictating the national agenda when it wants to (except when the subject matter isn't important like going to war and civil liberties). The national media has also become very adept at counting their chickens before they've hatched. And by chickens I mean votes, facts and stuff. Let's take a deep breath and let the other 49 states vote before someone is given the Wall Street Journal/CBS presidential crown/tiara.

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Obama's Victory Speech

Written by Captain Spork on 4:41 PM

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The Obamanator

Written by Captain Spork on 3:53 PM

It's an Obamanation!! Obama Slamma Jamma! Sorry, I'm very immature. Yes it's true, I've got a fever and the only prescription is more Obama. If Oprah likes the guy how can he not be the next president? Especially if every Obama supporter gets a new car (I'll take the cash minus taxes).



The people of Iowa have spoken and they want "change." They also want the entire country's media and presidential candidates to fall all over themselves in a effort to sway less than 0.005% of the voting public. So I'm obligated to again state, "fuck you Iowa," and deliver a premptive "fuck yourself," to New Hampshire. That's right shut up and keep pumping out your second-place maple syrup you pretentious bastards. I digress...



Barack Obama looks and feels like the best leader we've seen in years. He's refreshingly different (codespeak= black guy that doesn't sound like Al Sharpton), he's honest (codespeak=he hasn't been around long enough for me to catch him in a lie) and he stands for hope (codespeak= he doesn't say anything that upsets me). At this very moment, Barack could begin selling time shares in New Mexico at the end of every speech and I'd probably by one. Why? He's got the mojo workin'. He's selling his own charisma and absolutely nothing else. The guy has a completely unremarkable senate voting record and yet he's the candidate for "change." He's got money coming out his ass yet he's still seen as the "son of goat herder." I haven't seen a politician sell his own suaveness this well since... Bill Clinton. Ironically the same man that is trying to rip him apart right now.

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Stewart/Colbert in 2008... on TV... again!!!

Written by Captain Spork on 3:40 PM

They're back and doesn't it feel good.
Who better to mock the greedy corporations than two comedy writers that are being forced back to work by greedy corporations? Sure all the jokes aren't winners but those two guys can generally bring the funny. And don't we need some funny in the news again? Haven't we had enough of Mit Romney disagreeing with Mike Huckabee about who eats at IHOP more often thus proving themselves more "American." Let truthiness rain!

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Happy Fucking New Year!

Written by Captain Spork on 3:33 PM

Watching Dick Clark count down to the new year creeped me out. I feel bad for the guy. Does he really want to be rolled out like a zombie to do the "ball drop." Please Ryan Seacrest, stop torturing Dick Clark you fucking tool.

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