The Smelly Cheese

We're all familiar with the idea of "express checkout." It's for those folks who would like to buy a handful of items but can't wait for a mother feeding what seems like a small battalion of sugar-consuming bug monsters (think Vincent D'Onofrio in MIB 2). In theory it's a win-win situation for everyone. Though ever so slowly all kinds of shopping outlets have been fucking around with the very definition of express or "speedy" checkout.

20 items or less for a express lane? No frakking way. Blurg that. When the hell did 20 items constitute a quick transaction? Never, that's when. 10 items or less, 15 maximum and that's pushing it. Let's be honest depending on the IQ and motivation level of your "checker," those 15-20 items could have you yearning for the days when you could've easily scooted up behind the morbidly obese woman purchasing 200 cans of Fancy Feast.

Sure 20 widgets doesn't sound like an overly absurd amount in theory, but practically? Come on people. You know that once you give that guy with 18 things in his shopping cart an inch he's gonna take a mile. "Oh, what's that sir? You'd like three packs of Marlboro light and four books of stamps? Why certainly." Nor can we forget the old lady who's got 16 coupons for 14 items... and has to end up writing a check because she got Walmart and Walgreen's confused.

I've saved the best for last. There is a special level of hell for the absent minded guy on his phone that "accidentally" found himself in the express lane. Coincidentally, his cart has 4,000 items in it. "Oh I didn't realize this was the express line," he protests. You didn't realize? Oh, that's a simple mistake. These stores make it so difficult to discern which line is which. I know I was really confused when I saw that 3 ft flashing cube of light with the words,"Express Checkout: 15 items or less," that is currently 20 inches from your face. But hey, how could you tell.

If you're like me and you want this kind of blatant corruption to be thwarted, please support the Kucinich/Gravel ticket in 2008. Together, we can do anything. Additionally, we can make alien abduction and the inevitable probing a more pleasant and productive experience for every citizen.