The Smelly Cheese: 2007

Michael Eisner: There's no money in the internet.

Written by Captain Spork on 3:08 PM

I'm going to go "tv geek" for a split second and shine some more light on this whole "writer's strike" bidness since, shockingly, large media conglomerates aren't doing a lot of reporting on the subject. (Hint: They don't want you to notice "Grey's Anatomy" will be off the air for 3 months and replaced with "Who wants to be my Mommy?" or "Are You Smarter than a person with Dwarfism?")

Apparently Mike Eisner, CEO of Disney, has yet to find a way to make any cash off this crazy new thing called the "interweb." http://www.alleyinsider.com/2007/11/eisner-on-that.html

Thus he can't give the writers a share of money that isn't being made. Uh huh. So, exactly where does the $1.99 per episode fee of "Desperate Housewives," on iTunes go Mike? How about "Lost?" Or "Grey's?" Or the $12.99 for the new Pirates movie? Unless Steve Jobs has compromising photos of Eisner (which is a distinct possibly given Jobs bent on world domination) I'm guessing Disney gets a healthy portion of all those download fees. I also suspect that revenue from 4-5 advertisements that one has to sit through while watching streaming video on abc.com isn't being donated to the Salvation Army either.

But, Mikey Mouse says that his company literally hasn't a penny to spare from all these internet ventures. So where does all that money go? I have a theory. Eisner has signed Disney up to a terrible Internet provider. Think about it. The average consumer pays anywhere from $25-50 for high speed Internet right? Millions of those same customers are downloading Disney products from the web. So how is Disney going to house those millions of digital television shows and movies? A gigantic Internet server "lock box." Al Gore talked about it and we all laughed at him, but now it has come to pass. Do you know what kind of monthly bill Disney is racking up by having to house that much information. Let's see... Comcast charges me $42.95 so... Disney is probably paying a 37.96 gazillion dollars for Internet service. And don't forget the state tax fees, cause Disney has to pay for all 50 states too.

So now we can all see why there's just simply no money in online video entertainment. It's just too darn expensive. So suck it up you crybaby writers! I'm looking at you "24!" What the hell was that last season? Has Keifer Sutherland gotten the entire staff drunk by osmosis?

Pack up the kids honey, we're goin' to Iran.

Written by Captain Spork on 2:52 PM

At this point I think we all have to assume that Dubya is clearly not well. I mean it's one thing for political cartoonists and Al Jazeera to make our president out to be some right-wing nutjob hurling bombs at any country he wants, but now the man is truly fucking scaring me.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/12/04/iran.nuclear/index.html

World be warned! We don't even need shitty intelligence to bomb your ass. If you're thinking about it, we're coming for you. If you've got arabic speaking people in your country and you build a fucking tool shed... Boo Ya!!! What a great foreign policy. I'm serious. Isn't the next logical step to develop some kind of "thought crime" task force ala "Minority Report," and just wait for the magical eight ball to tell us which countries are going to attack next. I say full steam ahead, especially if Tom Cruise heads up the task force and Speilberg is directing the NSA.

America, fuck yeah!

We're at war people!

Written by Captain Spork on 11:30 AM

While we're busy trying to "fight them over there," so we don't have to "fight them here,"... they have apparently have been attempting to join our fight so they can then turn around and start hitting themselves in the face. Your confused, I'm confused. The LA times provides a much more clear and disturbing picture.

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-sailor29nov29,1,2982790.story?coll=la-headlines-nation

The Great Barack Debate

Written by Captain Spork on 5:45 PM

While the mainstream media's "love/hate boner" (pending copyright) for the Clinton political machine lingers for what has to be a medically unsafe amount of time, our polling data at the Smelly Cheese allows us to officially call the 2008 presidential race for... the Clinton/Obama ticket. Yes, that's right. We're going to have a white woman as president and black man as her vice president.

Barack needs to be ready to accept the VP nomination. Why? Do I need to say it? America is not electing a black man as president. Trent Lott is still technically a United States senator, case and point. Don Imus is going to get another job, Bill O'Reilly still has a job... point being there are still a lot of really powerful yet ignorant, white asshats all over this country. And as long as Toby Keith still has red/white/blue blood boiling underneath that straw cowboy hat you can be damn certain that an African American named "Barack Obama," will never be elected to commander-in-chief.

"Please Barack, don't make this any harder than it already is... It's me not you." The guy has barely been a senator for half of his first term and as far as I can glean his campaign is about "change," and "hope." He seems like a good man and he's going to get the all important "Oprah," endorsement but he has one glaring flaw... he doesn't actually have the "audacity" to stand for what he believes in. Hillary Clinton is a fucking flawed candidate. She's got major weaknesses, the most important one being her 2002 Iraq war vote hanging around her neck. Yet, Obama has danced around the issue behaving like a gentleman at a dinner party politely pointing out that another guest has crumbs on their shirt. If Barack doesn't have the chutzpah to tell Hillary she's a calculating, cold-hearted bitch, how exactly is he going confront the inevitable "old-timey" racism in the general election. Will he be able to clearly convey his anti-war stance amidst the beating of the republican "national security" drum? Can he even do that now?

Here's what I know about the Clintons, they're savvy politicians. Bill, more than Hillary, has such a silver tongue that he can literally tell you exactly what you don't want to hear... and make it palatable. Hillary has become much more adept at this tactic, but instead of being considered a master politician she gets labeled as a combination of Martha Stewart and Medusa. The Clintons are professional liars aka, politicians... and they're fucking great at it. Bill left office with a 64% approval rating. That's after he got put through impeachment proceedings for getting a hummer. They have international credibility and experience dealing with the other side of the political spectrum. I trust Bill and Hillary making the next big foreign policy decision. I don't know or trust Obama because he has no record of any decision making. "I was against the decision to go to war in 2002." That's great Barack, you were a fucking state senator in Illinois when you had to make that gutsy political move. Oddly enough though, since you've been playing in the big leagues your voting record looks strikingly familiar to Mrs. Clinton's and every other democrat.

The very sad truth is that I want Barack Obama to be president. He seems like a good human being with the kind of charisma that a natural leader should have. However, that is unfortunately not enough in today's political climate and I have to put my money on the horse that's going to win the race not the one that makes me feel good about myself. In 2016 Mr. Obama will become the next president because by then we will be a more tolerant bunch, ready to accept not just a black president but probably an African American, lesbian secretary of defense.... wait, we already have that now. See we're already makin' progress people.

Iowa, get over yourself.

Written by Captain Spork on 11:08 PM

"Hillary leads in newest Iowa poll," and "Can conservative Iowa voters get behind Giuliani?" are just a few headlines that will most likely be gracing virtually every news website in the next 72 hours. And I'm here to pose a question: Why the fuck does anyone care? First off, we still have a year before anyone is going to be elected and secondly why the hell is Iowa determining who our next president will be?

You can't go to the bathroom without knowing how voters in Iowa feel about all of the pressing issues of facing our country. Yes, Iowa is really goddamn important and, "all of you metrosexual city slickers better remember where you get your corn from or else..." Let's not fool around kids. I love my roasted chili corn salsa.

http://www.startribune.com/587/story/1559445.html

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21837022

And what pray tell is on the average "hawkeye's" mind you ask? Immigration.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16332979

Really Iowa? Really? 3.5% of your population consists of "foreign-born," people. That's about 100,000 out of 3,000,000. Let's say hypothetically there's another 100,000 "illegals," working in state. That's bumps your entire "immigration situation" (pending copyright) to a whopping 6-7% of your populous. That's not an immigration problem, that's called having Hispanic looking people work the late shift at the KFC. Now, when you're state is spending $10 billion/yr educating and treating people that technically don't "exist,".... now that's a immigration problem.

New rule. Unless your state borders another country (Canada doesn't count) or a large oceanic shipping port you can't claim "illegal immigrants" as your top voting concern.

More to the point, why is this Iowa "caucus," so freaking important to every presidential candidate? Is it simply because they vote first? What a great way to determine the leader of the free world. "Hey wait a second... Ryan Seacrest has received 73% of the vote in Iowa. Well, I guess the rest of the country should stop voting and the white house staff should stock the oval office with large amount of hair gel." Bulletproof thinking right there.

That's like asking the first person that comes into a restaurant what the rest of patrons want to eat.

Waitress: "What would you like today sir?"

Old crazy guy with purple suspenders: "I want bananas with barbecue sauce."

Waitress: "Okay... Ya hear that folks? Today's menu is "Bananas with BBQ sauce."

Ladies and Gentlemen, we cannot allow the old crazy man with purple suspenders pick our president. So get your shit together Iowa and get back to making corn.

Bonds,... Bail Bonds.

Written by Captain Spork on 4:10 PM

Barry Bonds is not being indicted by a federal grand jury because he cheated the game of baseball. He's not being indicted for lying to a grand jury or obstructing justice or evading taxes. He is not the victim of a conspiracy against black superstar athletes (I don't think Bonds would want himself lumped in with the likes of Mike Vick anyway). Barry Bonds is having the Fed's hammer brought down on his ass today because he is grade -A, 100% pure, major league douchebag. Pure and simple.

We're not going to here Mark McGwire's name being thrown around in any indictments. Do you think Sammy Sosa was any less "enhanced," during his homerun marathon days? Nope, cheating to play better baseball isn't unforgivable nor is lying about cheating but Bonds is guilty of the worst kind of public sin: He lied and was a Giant dick about it. In our culture if you lie and then kinda sorta confess with any ounce of remorse you will receive absolution most of the time. But denying the truth and being a really sanctimoniously dickheadish about the fact that you're lying.... oh you can just take your $100 million dollars and go to your room mister!

So here's to Barry Bonds. A cheater, a liar and an all around jackass. To those who think I'm being judgemental because none of us really "know" Bonds on a personal level and he could just be the victim of a vengeful sports media, I say nay. I say nay and shut the hell up because you're obviously a moron. When a public figure largely behaves like a childish fuckwad toward his co-workers, his fans and the people that report on his livelihood... I think it's safe to say that he's 80-90% asshole. Just because he was nice to your kid that one time at the In N' Out Burger doesn't mean "the media" is out to get him. And also just because the guy hugs his son whenever he hits a home run that doesn't mean he's a good person. Everyone likes their own kids. And Bonds likes himself so much that he wants to parade his children around so people can see what a "good father," he's being. In the words of Chris Rock, "You supposed to you dumb mutha fucker!"

H. Jackson Brown wrote, "Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking." Apparently with Bonds this involves some injections, balms and pills.

The WGA strike and how it affects my tv viewing habits.

Written by Captain Spork on 5:59 PM

I like my TV shows. I have a blog... thus I am some sort of a "writer." So, it's no surprise that I am going to empathize and support the people that "bring me the funny," on my entertainment box of choice.

If you don't know what the Writers Guild of America is striking for here's a simplified version: Most TV shows and films are currently available in "new media" formats (which means on the internet or your phone). The networks and studios that own these entertainment properties aren't giving any of these "new media" profits to the people that actually make the product. Naturally, the people that make the product want to get some of the action. The networks and studios or "the Man," would like the writers and the viewing public to believe that there is no profit in "new media," thus they can't give anyone a cut of the pie.

For more detailed information on why you'll be seeing a ton of reruns and reality programming over the next few months please visit http://unitedhollywood.blogspot.com/ or http://www.wga.org/.

Basically the studios and networks have no viable argument other than pure greed. I just watched an episode of 30 Rock at nbc.com for free. Well, it was "free" for me to watch it as long as I was willing to sit through three separate "limited interruptions" by Honda. That's three 30-second advertisements in a 22 minute show. Sounds kinda like the regular TV/commercial format huh? Ah, but NBC considers the episode I just watched to be a "promotion," for the regular broadcast version. Yeah. Unless NBC is letting Honda use it's corporate bandwidth out of the kindness of their hearts, I'd say that NBC got some cabbage from somebody at Honda. Do the writers that wrote the episode see any of said cabbage? Nada, zilch, bubkiss. Therein lies the rub.

Hopefully this strike nonsense won't go on for long and Stephen Colbert will be invading my living room with all new insincere fake newsery. But in the meantime I'd just like to remind any corporate suit associated with a TV network or movie studio that people are not altogether idiotic. iTunes doesn't let people download TV shows for free and neither does any other "new media" outlet that has emerged since. If there is no money to be made on the internet maybe I should talk to Comcast about the $42.95 they're charging me.

Tom Brady: Mediocre or just highly overrated?

Written by Captain Spork on 3:55 PM

Here is the point in this blog where, after just building up all kinds of New England goodwill, I will proceed to rip Tom Brady and his New England Patriots a new one. First off, every heterosexual male in America is insanely envious of Brady. He's good looking, he's bangin' supermodels and he's won multiple Superbowls... plus he's got "f-you" money.

Oh, but before I get my head to far up Mr. Brady's ass I'd like to mention that this guy is no Joe Montana. Hell, Tom Brady isn't even close to being Dan Fouts... or even Phil Simms (ohhhh, that last one smarts). It's not all his fault or even his team's... the NFL isn't the league it used to be. It's a watered-down product that is successfully marketed to a television audience that more readily accepts sanitized, sub par things... like watered-down light beers and "nacho flavored" products. And there's an insane amount of gambling involved too. Make no mistake, the Patriots and Tom Brady (today's NFL juggernaut) couldn't match up against any other "dynasty" of previous eras.

"But they've won 3 out the last 4 superbowls," says slightly inebriated Pats fan. To that I say, look who they were playing. The St. Louis Rams were a glorified arena football team. I'm sorry if you play 80 percent of your football indoors, turf that's what you are. The Carolina Panthers, a team that apparently isn't smart enough to use the steroids that don't show up on the drug tests. And then there's the Eagles. Despite Rush Limbaugh's racist presumptions about Donavan F. McNabb, the guy would find a way to lose a Donovan McNabb look-a-like contest.

And at the behest of the "Raider Nation," the entire New England Patriot "dynasty," was built on a lie. The infamous Brady "tuck," was and still is the most, bullshit, unbelievably horrendous officiating fiasco in the history of sports. Tom Brady got sacked by Charles Woodson and he dropped the ball. That's what normal human beings do when it's 100 fucking degrees below zero and another human being hurls their body into them. They drop whatever they are holding onto and say "fuck that hurts!" Here's what Tom Brady wasn't thinking, "I can't see any of my players in this blizzard, oh shit this guy is hitting me.... I should move my arm in small semi-circle in order to convey to the referee that I intend to pass the ball to the invisible receivers that I can't see because I have snow in my eye." The Patriots shouldn't have even made it to the Superbowl, let alone win it. "The Tuck" won't be synonymous with "The Catch," or Derek Jeter's "flip," Jordan's jumper over Elho or even Doug Flutie's "Hail Mary" at Boston College. No, because all of those "great plays" actually involve athlete's achieving greatness rather than having some NFL official in a video booth hand it over to them.

"Aww, ya pisser! Ya just wicked jealous and shit," says somewhat drunk Pats fan. "How can you deny their greatness afta those three rings?" And I say to that drunk chowdahhead, "Simple my good sir, your team has being cheating." How, in a league that is designed to break-up good teams through salary structure, does one team stay consistently so stellar? Well the jig is up my friends, the Pats have been stealing signs ever since that "tuck" call went their way.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3014677

It all makes sense now. How does one team out-perform all other teams consistently, in a league designed to promote parity? Apparently, when you have video tape of the other teams play signals it helps. Of course the NFL wants this ugly business to be swept under the rug because the Patriots are their model franchise. The Pats have a white, good looking, gutty quarterback that leads a franchise with principles like "teamwork" and "unselfishness." And while the Patriots have been crushing Peyton Manning's spirit for the past 7 years, the other 30 teams all get to float in "mediocre land," each having the same opportunity to attain the rank of "really bad flag football team" or "above average college program."

The New England Patriots are perfect model for today's NFL. They have no personality, they don't pay their players and they're coach is a cheating asshole that doesn't have to explain himself to anyone. Hmmmm, kind of sounds like another authority figure I've heard of...

No, no... I'm not saying that there are any parallels between Bill Belichick and our commander in chief. That's ridiculous. I would be remiss though if I didn't point out the fact that the "Patriots" went from a 5-11 team headed nowhere in 2000 to becoming one of the most improbable Superbowl champions in 2001 coinciding perfectly with the 9/11-themed Superbowl festivities. Yes, I went there. Is the idea really that implausible? The Superbowl is one of the most watched tv events in the world. And after such a tragic event what better team to win our most important sporting event than... the Patriots. It's a terrifyingly jingoistic notion, but it's a fairly simple public relations coup compared to what has taken place in the "real world" since 2001.

So to sum up: Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots are not an NFL legacy but rather a public relations tool created by our government. Think it's far fetched, what was one of the first major legislative items put into effect the same year the Patriots started their "dynasty?" That's right... the USA PATRIOT Act. Chilling isn't it?

Oh yeah and chowdaheads. If your team keep throwing bombs in the fourth quarter when you're up by three touchdowns and have 50 points, some second-string linebacker from a 0-12 teams is gonna cheap shot Tom Brady so hard he'll never be able to be anyone's "baby daddy" again.

Thank You Mr. Ellsbury for my "free taco."

Written by Captain Spork on 3:06 PM

I like the Red Sox a lot. Though they become less lovealbe each time they win a world series, it's hard not to root for a dude like Manny Ramirez (the guy is a goddamn human hitting clinic). Manny's dreads, Big Poppi's infectious attitude, not to mention a group of young pitchers that have flamethrowers for arms... and of course "The Nation." Second to living and dying by my own team, I find nothing more satisfying that watching a "sawx" fan lament every moment of every inning. So, I give a belated congratulations to the mighty Red Sox juggenaut.

More importantly, I would like to thank a certain Jacoby Ellsbury for stealing a base and winning America free tacos. While young Mr. Ellsbury's efforts for implementing a lost art of base stealing should be applauded, Taco Bell's implementation of the "free taco" giveaway left more to be desired. Apparently, you could get a free taco from a Taco Bell restaurant between 2 p.m. and 5 p.m. on October 30th through the "Steal a base, steal a taco" promotion. http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2007/10/31/ellsbury_scores_with_fans_at_steal_a_taco_promotion/

What I didn't realize is that this "free taco," was only available at franchises that chose to "participate." Not suprisingly, the entire Central Valley only seems to acknowledge one sport and one sports franchise, the Sacramento Kings. This is the only plausible explanation as to why not one, but two separate Taco Bell locations had no clue what the hell I was talking about when I asked for my "free taco." Uh...? Have you heard of a little thing called the World Series? It's kind of a big deal. It was on Fox for about a week. Ring any bells? Alas, I had to imagine my free taco and settle for a purchased chicken quesadilla because I don't have all afternoon to drive around until I find a fucking Taco Bell that's managed by someone who's actually heard of "baseball."

Democracy is as democracy does.

Written by Captain Spork on 2:09 PM

President Pervez Musharraf has done what our president once had dreams of accomplishing, declaring "martial law."

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/11/03/pakistan.emergency/index.html

We're fighting "terrorists," because they hate "democracy." But what happens when large majorities of the population agree that the "terrorists" actually have the right idea? All "Jahannam" breaks loose, that's what. Sunni and Shia, working together - mass hysteria! Actually if we could get that to happen things might work out quite well, but as of today the "middle east" is one giant shit-storm. Oh sure, there's a few quiet spots like Jordan and the United Arab Emirates, but those places only stay quiet because there run like monarchical versions of the Bellagio.

That's right I said it, the Iron-fist business model works well in a part of the world that seems hell bent on turning back the clock to the stone ages. Despite Jorge the Second's crazy cracka-ass intentions, the United States can't stay in the business of regional-hall monitor and nobody in Europe or Asia is eagerly waiting in the wings. Peaceful Islam or moderate Islamic people don't seem to have the wherewithal or the proverbial "megaphone," to say "Hey! Hassan, stop firing that machine gun in the air and help me inventory this rice. That fucking kid, all the time with the shooting. But can he pick up a broom to sweep up the artillery shells? No."

So, yes I'm essentially advocating Musharraf's can of whoop-ass. I'll trust the devil I know. Sure, he can't really police certain parts of his own country and hasn't been able to keep the Taliban from hanging out on his border, but at least he's kept the launch codes out of Osama's iPhone (you know he's at least got the Chinese knock-off version). Besides do we really need to be reminded of what happened the last time we ousted a strong-arm, secular dictator in an extremely religious country. And this one doesn't even have any oil.

President Bush learns that "fire is bad."

Written by Captain Spork on 12:05 PM

Is there anything that our President can't royally fuck up? Apparently George finally had someone inform him that a large portion of Southern California was on fire http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21449247/. You know you're in bad shape when Arnold "The Governator," is the guy who's actually the most competent person available to handle a natural disaster (though, I guess he's gotta be given props for showing up within 48 hours).

Ahhhhh, but not Curious George. He seems to have a "wait and see" policy for natural disasters. It's a wise strategy. Why declare a national emergency and preempt more widespread damage when you can wait and pray that "fire" and "water" will somehow disobey the laws of nature? Oh, that's right preemptive action only applies to attacking countries that have "Texas gold".... uh, I mean .... terrorists!

Now, you may be wondering, "Doesn't George Bush actually like a lot of people in Orange County? After all, they tend to vote conservatively and they tend to be affluent white folks." While your assumptions about Orange County may be correct, Jorge the Decider seems to care about a very limited number of people... which apparently does include any Californians. Remember that whole messy Enron thingy? It was in a pre-9/11 world, but CA kinda got screwed with a ridiculous energy bill. And if I remember correctly Bush/Cheney had some pretty close buds in the "energy business." (Ahhh, even in death Kenneth Lay is still causing problems).

I'm not saying that George Bush doesn't like California. I am just saying that even after 1500 homes, owned by some of the most wealthy and white citizens in the country, burned down... he still waited four days to step in with federal disaster relief. Could our president be that socially irresponsible? I mean, letting poor black people die in a sports stadium makes sense. He's an arrogant, racist asshole from Texas. But letting rich, white people lose their cabanas and mansions? What kind of monster is this guy!!? The worst kind of monster: A total and complete dickhead.

There is one other possibility. President Bush is in fact not a malevolent and vindictive ruler that lords his power over those who he views as inferior. He could just be really, really... I mean insanely horrible at every job he's ever attempted. I leave the answer up to you.

The Smelly Cheese: We report, you get depressed thinking about what we just reported.

Embracing 30.

Written by Captain Spork on 9:27 AM

After stretching my 30th birthday celebration into an entire week long extravaganza... I am tired. Probably, because I'm old. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. It was like being treated to good movie. It was full of drama, laughter, surprises, a couple of explosions and I didn't have pay for anything at the concession stand (Kudos to mom and dad ).

But, like I mentioned previously, I'm old. This is not all bad news though. Becoming decrepit and smelly has some distinct advantages. Now that I'm 30, I feel that I can "demand respect" in certain venues... like a retail electronics outlets that will not be mentioned by named (it rhymes with "Best Buy"). Or pretty much any establishment that employs what I will henceforth refer to as "whipper-snappers," more commonly known as "shitheads."

I've belabored this point in the past but when I walk into a place of business I don't want to be treated like one of the " boyz." In fact, with my newly minted 30-ness, I'm going to demand at least a "sir," though a "Welcome to (insert corporation here)," will suffice too. But if I'm welcomed by another polo-wearing, pimply floor-jockey with, "What's up?" or "Hey, man," I will respond in kind. I've been waiting for the appropriate age when I can use the following phrases:

1.) "Listen you little, shit. How about showing some class and pull up your goddamn pants while you're working." You have to move in pretty close and keep your voice to a low grumble when attempting this one. Otherwise other employees may step in and "Big Reggie" may be called upon from the stock room to forcibly remove your person from said establishment.

2.) Any request followed by the phrase, "Can you handle that, son?" I've learned that most males have "daddy issues," and thus the usage of "son" in a setting where there is no relation is extremely demeaning. Less personal, but equally effective jabs are the usage of names like, "Chief," "Big Guy," and "Ace."

3.) My personal crotchety-old man comeback will be as follows, "I'm sorry. Did I hear you correctly? I could've swore that you just spouted some variation of 'Wuzzup?' First off, I find it refreshing that your vocabulary consists of a played out phrase from a beer commercial that aired when you must've been about nine. Good knowledge. Secondly, are you actually interested in how my day is going? News flash punk: I don't care how your day is going, so save the small talk. When I need something from you, like a receipt, I'll let you know. Until that moment comes, please feel free to ogle the hot cashier on register five since I'm sure you'll be using that material during your lunch break."

Getting older is going to be nice.

"Children Do Learn."

Written by Captain Spork on 11:14 PM

Apparently, while "children do learn," the President doesn't. Bush is know in uncharted territory of brazened stupidity. He just doesn't care what the citizens of the United States of America (or "some folks" as he calls us) think anymore.

For those of you who don't know George Bush doesn't just hate black people and Kanye West, he know hates uninsured children.

http://www.usnews.com/usnews/politics/bulletin/bulletin_071018.htm

He's right in a way. These children should've thought about being born to richer parents, before then went and got sick. When will we stop coddling these 7 year old cancer patients!!! Back to reality. In reality, any President that has a 25 percent job approval and is spending billions of dollars a month on a war that was technically over 4 years ago doesn't veto a children's health insurance bill out of "fiscal responsibility."

But good for George, he doesn't live in reality. In his reality, congress isn't an actual branch of government, they're just a bunch of stuffy suits that are supposed to sign over the checks. In Georgeland, it makes perfect sense to delay funding a program that actually takes care of it's most vulnerable citizens while demanding total expediency for another program that keeps our military employed as policemen for a country that doesn't even want to be a real country anyway. And in Bushopolis, that last sentence wouldn't be called a "run-on," since it was just trying to protect itself from "evil modifiers."

In all seriousness, even for this President, this is a new low. He praised the SCHIP program when he was Governor of Texas... because it worked. Now he's hanging sick, poor kids out to dry for some symbolic gesture to the conservative history books. Way to go dumbfuck. Everything Bush has done until now could be explained by him being an idiot with a messianic complex. Nope he's just a bigger asshole than we thought.

Transformers: More than one DVD.

Written by Captain Spork on 6:27 PM

I saw the movie. I enjoyed it because A.) I'm a nerd and B.) I like movies that have large explosions. Yes, it was a typical piece of shit Michael Bay "film," but it was called Transformers. That is enough for me to buy the dvd. Aaaahhh, but is there one official Transformers disc-set that will give me the ultimate experience? No.

Walmart: Two-disc special edition with a bonus disc that has a "prequel" to the actual movie. That sounds pretty damn awesome. Though I don't know if I want to subject myself to the depression of actually stepping inside the Walmart, let alone stand in line behind a woman that's buying a 50-pack of Jimmy Dean pancake & sausage on-a-stick... the jumbo size variety (Yeah, they did it).

Best Buy: An exclusive two-disc gift set with an official movie lithograph and two plastic 2-inch transformers figurines. The lithograph sets my nerd-alert off, but I've seen the figurines and they're not exactly going to appreciate as a "collectible."

Target: The two disc set is encased in an actual "transforming" 15-inch Optimus Prime. Sure it's probably not as cool as an actual transformer toy but that's a pretty ingenious marketing ploy.

My verdict: Target wins. They actually infused "transforming" into the product. Plus you can most likely leave the store without impulse buying 40 lbs of cat litter, a new cell phone or a hide-a-bed.

Free Driving Tip #1

Written by Captain Spork on 6:10 PM

Here's a sign that you may have seen on the road recently.

The sign means what it says. The lane that you are currently occupying is going to cease to exist very soon, thus you need to put your blinker on and "merge." In case you are still unclear on the matter, sometimes the sign is followed by a physical representation of what you're supposed to do:

Both of these signs are telling you that you are going to have to "merge," with the rest of traffic. If you're unclear on what "merging" is please feel free to read some very informative literature from the DMV.http://www.dmv.org/how-to-guides/merging-into-traffic.php

You know what these signs don't mean? Keep talking on your phone and pretend that you are already in the next lane over. It also does not mean, "keep shovelling that taco in your mouth and slowly drift between the existing lane and the ending lane."

Come on people.

Will Gore Run?

Written by Captain Spork on 5:30 PM

Chris Matthews' sad, sad life...

Written by Captain Spork on 5:12 PM

In light of the above video, I think Jon Stewart was indeed correct... Chris Matthews has no soul left. For those who didn't get a chance to view this wonderful slice of comeuppance, please enjoy Jon Stewart verbally bitch-slapping Chris Matthews' "life is a campaign" philosophy.
http://www.alternet.org/blogs/video/64309/

For those who don't know who Matthews is he's the Washington D.C. talk-show host of MSNBC's Hardball that has completely lost all perspective on life outside of politics. According to Matthews every aspect of life is a campaign. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Matthews I've been a fan of Matthews for a long time and I enjoyed his style of interviewing when he had some sense of balance and appropriate behavior. Unfortunately, Chris lost himself somewhere between 9/11 and the swiftboat guys for truth. Matthews believes that everyone is effectively some kind of lobbyist or politician with some kind and that everything has a "spin" to it. Worse yet, he's become friends with all of the people that he interviews and thus his show has become Slow-pitch Beer League Ball.

I wonder what dinner is like at the Matthews' table.

Mrs. Matthews: Chris, Julie made the cheerleading squad today. Isn't that Great?

Matthews (peering at his daughter with an uncertain smile): I don't know honey, I mean Julie has a great attitude but can she really translate well to the whole school on gameday.

Mrs. Matthews: Chris! I will not have you talk about our daughter that way, stop being an asshole!

Matthews: No, no. Honestly, I'm obligated to love Julie but when I look at her history I don't see the kind of candidate that can captain a cheer squad.

Julie: Wow dad, thanks for all the support.

Mrs. Matthews: That's it! You're sleeping on the couch!

Matthews (with entire family leaving the room): Hey, let's be real for second. Julie's a cute girl but she's at a genetic disadvantage with me as father. I just think pep squad is a more realistic goal...

President Al Gore

Written by Captain Spork on 8:48 AM

Has a pretty nice ring to it, eh? Especially since he's got a brand spankin' new Nobel Peace prize in his back pocket. Isn't that what we're looking for in a leader? A anti-war, green candidate that has experience in Washington and in the real world. And what's more presidential that being the vice-president for eight years during one the largest economic booms in our country's history. "GORE 2008," has a nice simplicity to it.

Oh, wait.... we already had the chance to elect Gore. Remember those "hanging chads" from about seven years ago? Yup, that was basically the same dude running for president (minus a Nobel). Al Gore looks pretty fucking sweet compared to George "Children do learn," Bush. But he's not running because he's getting to much shit done on his own, apparently. He already put himself through the presidential gauntlet and had his dreams crushed (technically he did win, but we won't get started on the electoral college).

Ahhhh yes.... 2000. I remember quite a few of my college friends declaring that there was no difference between Gore and Bush. They were both corporate lackeys and picking between them was essentially an unprincipled choice of "the lesser of two evils." Big thanks to Radiohead, hydroponic weed and Ralph Nader for that kind of symbolic rhetoric. That's right I don't blame butterfly ballots or disenfranchised voters in Florida for giving us Dubya. I blame the lack of foresight by a group of snooty bastards that voted for Nader or some other irrelevant candidate. Way to go asshats! I sure hope you feel really good about your "principles" now.

Oh by the way, how's the environment fared over the last 7 years? Not to worry though because it seems that Al Gore is an actual "man of principal," since he's spent the last few years trying to actually save change environmental policy around the world. That's right you hemp supporting jerk-offs. Al Gore actually has the political clout and intellectual balls to work with "both sides" to get things done. Instead screaming hackneyed slogans in the general direction of people meeting at the WTO and then getting yourself arrested for some "street cred," Gore can actually have a "meeting" with the "corporate cronies" and get them to budge on their greenhouse gas emissions.

Alas, the "Al Gore for Prez" ship has long since sailed away. I just hope against hop that reincarnation of the Nader vote nutjobs (I'm looking at you moveon.org) have the foresight and the realism to get the hell out of the way in November of 2008. Make no mistake it's already started. Hillary is "too conservative." She voted "for the war," and she's part of the D.C. "establishment." Guess what jaggoffs? She's the candidate. I'm sorry if you can't tell the difference between Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani then you have no business voting at all. Therein lies the rub. Moveon.org and the Dennis Kucinich-tribe of the democratic party think that their fight is keeping Hillary off the ticket. They couldn 't be more wrong if they were trying to solicit sex in a Burger King bathroom. The fight isn't between Obama and Hillary, it's between Hillary and fucking Fred Thompson people! You wanna see a country regress about 30 years? Then keep painting Hillary Clinton as a Washington fat-cat with too much political expediency.

2008 is a reality check folks. We have the opportunity to vote for a candidate that makes sense or a couple of candidates that will make us feel less guilty about all of the shit that has happened over the last 7 years. I'll delve into who's who later.

Pancakes vs. Hotcakes: The Great Debate.

Written by Captain Spork on 11:14 AM

Seriously, you didn't think I would go there did you? Unlike the writers of Lost and Heroes, I'm not going to make you wait five years to figure shit out.

Now you may wonder, "Isn't hotcakes just another name for pancakes?" While the "hotcake lobby" would have you believe such a simple story, there is more to it than just a difference in regional dialects. Pancakes are wonderfully substantive, mouth-watering flatbread delights. They can withstand an onslaught of butter, jams, jellies and assorted syrups and still maintain their delicious fluffiness. Hotcakes, on the other hand, are limp and lifeless pieces of rubbery flour/water compost. When put under the slightest amount of condiments or pressure from a utensil, the hotcake loses its form entirely.

My cousin Heather will back me up on the science. Pancakes are meal while the alleged "hotcake," can at best serve as an appetizer to pancakes. I can't address "flapjacks" because I have never actually eaten one and can only assume that they are some kind of bastardized version of a pancake.

Pancakes vs. hotcakes: Winner... pancakes in a syrupy landslide of buttery goodness! Goddamn I'm hungry.

The Smelly Cheese re-launchification!!!

Written by Captain Spork on 10:30 AM

Having been inspired by "Dunder Mifflin-Infinity" and all its success, I've decided to give the interweb another shot. I've tried myspace and facebook... hell, I've even been kicked off a few tv show message boards. My breed of stupidity needs its own home, a place where it can breathe and blossom into a greater kind of stupidity! Thus, "The Smelly Cheese" is reborn (now with new hypoallergenic strawberry-scent Febreeze!). So come here to find out what's wrong with the world and all the silly little people trying to hang on to it... plus there will be wry observations about the difference between "pancakes," and "hotcakes," and oh so much more!

Plus you get the benefit of looking at the wonderfully placed advertisements by Google. "Why are you selling out and putting ads on your blog?" you may ask. And to that I respond with "I sold out a long time ago and you just never realized it but hopefully if you can tolerate the ads I'll be able to make up more craptastic features like podcasts, vidcasts and live chats!!! I'll probably end up doing it anyway so what's the harm in looking at a few promos for NBC's Bionic Woman (great show: hot chicks doing karate = television gold).

So come with me to a land of magic and unicorns and midgets that crap out pringles... a place I like to call "Pepperidge Farms: Crystal Meth Snickerdoodles Disivion." Or as the kids call it, the CMSD.

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