The Smelly Cheese

Keith Olbermann is clearly in the tank.

Written by Captain Spork on 10:34 PM

By taking pieces of Jon Stewart's shtick from the Oscars and a sketch from SNL mocking the mainstream media for "being in the tank for Obama," and then trying to use them as anti-Hillary Clinton material... Keith has in fact demonstrated that clearly does have "Obama Fever."

Keith, and not surprisingly the rest of the stuffy shirts with press credentials, think that Hillary Clinton doesn't understand that Saturday Night Live is just a "skit show," and they don't actually think the media is in the tank for Obama.

Well, here's the thing Keith. The reason the SNL writers put that sketch as the opener for their first live show in 3 months (and the first of the political primary season) is actually due to the fact that they do think you're in the tank for the Obama Campaign. See, satire doesn't "the opposite of what I'm saying." It's usually just an exaggerated version of the truth.

Sorry, dude. I think your ratings are starting to get to your head.

No Country for Old Books

Written by Captain Spork on 4:48 PM

I watched the now Oscar-winning,"No Country for Old Men," for the second time over the weekend. It's well, made (as most everything the Coen brothers make is) and it's a very chilling and intense flick. I'm not going to "spoil" the film's plot for anyone who hasn't seen it. But I have to put a question out there after seeing one of the lead actors accept an academy award last night on TV. Am I supposed to understand what the hell he was saying in the movie? I mean I could understand Javier Bardem's speech last night, but in the movie... not so much.

Spoiler alert!!! Highlight to read. I get that he's supposed to represent death, although as a metaphor for death he did seem kind of vulnerable. If he is supposed to be a true harbinger of doom, shouldn't I at least be able to understand his dialogue. And this totally wasn't about his accent. I'm almost absolutely certain that they slowed down his voice in post production (trust me I do that stuff for a living). If that was the intention I get that. But if you're going to make your main character play evil incarnate at least have the few words that he does say be audible to most humans. Or is that part of the whole shtick? Your not supposed to understand death when it comes for you? I call shenanigans!! If death is a character in your movie that is relentless, omniscient and invincible then he better be able to communicate properly. Otherwise he's just a crazy hitman with a bad haircut and thick spanish accent. End spoilers.

Apparently from some emails I've received I should read the book No Country for Old Men, to make sense of the film. To this I also call shennanigans! The ending of this movie made sense to me, I got the themes and the allusions. There's some stuff in the middle that just flat out looked like bad editing or poor directorial choices. Here's a hint if you're going to kill a pivotal main character in a suspense "cat and mouse," film don't have that character die "off screen," leaving your audience wondering what the hell happened. It's even worse if you then ask the audience to re-focus their attention on another ancillary character who turns out actually to be "the main character." If you're going to adapt a novel into a screenplay don't hide behind "being faithful to the novel." You're movie has to stand on its own merit.

I'm getting real tired of crazy serial killer characters being metaphors for death. First off don't real-life crazy fucks get enough attention already. Is there not enough death and mayhem going around these days? I fast forwarded through most of the Oscars last night, because in large part it's just a bunch of overpaid actors and directors sitting politely in ridiculously expensive clothes verbally masturbating with each other over how wonderfully complex and rich their "art" was during the past year. I really like the Coen brothers film's, but am I really gonna learn anything about mortality or morality from a couple of New York Jews that went to film school? No offense boys, I loved "Fargo," but you're opining about "life and death," seems a bit trivial when men half your age are getting shrapnel lodge in their asses in the middle of the desert.. for realz.

Bitch is the new Black!!!

Written by Captain Spork on 1:23 PM

SNL, I thought I missed you this political season but I found out that I really just missed Tina Fey as your head writer. This ultimately made me miss 30 Rock and so I just busted out those DVDs. Fey hit home with a lot of funny and little more of the hurtful truth. Watch it here in it's entirety after viewing a brief message from one of NBC's wonderful sponsors:

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/#mea=221773

(Side note: Hey NBC, how's that new download service working out for ya? I bet a lot of people would've paid a couple of bucks to download that SNL episode last weekend on iTunes. Nah, I'm sure you're doing great with that new NBC download thingy... what's it called? I can't remember the name. Oh I'm sure I'll think of it before I get impatient enough to download all of your shows for free on BitTorrent.)

Ralph Nader: A great man or the greatest man ever?

Written by Captain Spork on 11:05 AM

Ralph Nader is once again doing a great service to all citizens of our nation by throwing his hat into the presidential ring.
http://www.votenader.org/index.html

I would like to personally thank Mr. Nader for his visionary leadership and bravery. To look the democrat, republican, libertarian and green parties straight in the eyes and say," I know you've moved on but I'm still better than you," is beyond courageous. It's downright inspirational. To be able to see past his 0.37 percent of the 2004 electorate as an independent candidate is both laudable and heroic. Sure, he may be 74 years old, but his mind is as clear as ever. Ralph Nader is ready to take this country in the right direction. He is the next preside-- I'm sorry. My keyboard incurred a hostile invasion from someone wearing a "Nader Raider," t-shirt and seemingly had not showered in a few years.

Fuck Ralph Nader. How long is this douchebag going to guilt trip people with, "Hey I'm the guy that made the auto industry put seat belts in your car!" shtick? Despite his protestation on this interview with Tim Russert http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23319215/, he did make it possible for Jorge Bush to become president. In 2000, Ralph Nader saw Bush having no substantive differences with Gore. Now, in 2008, Nader cannot admit that Barack Obama would make a better president than John McCain. Really Ralph? Obama wouldn't be better for the country than McCain? Is that why you have to continue fighting for the American people?

You, the Great Nader, and only you have the solutions to fix our ailing nation. Ralph Nader is only running for president because he is sad and lonely old man. He has no children, no wife, nor a partner in his efforts to change the world. He is a once great muckraker that has refused to buy a car let alone a computer or embrace the ever-changing world around him. For Nader, it is still 1969 or 1976 and he is still a relevant social advocate lawyer crusading around the country saving all of us from the evils of corporate America.

Nader supporters cite the last 7 years of the Bush administration as the absolute reason why a corporate crusader candidate is desperately needed, now more than ever. I site these last seven, hell even 20 years as a prime reason why Ralph Nader needs to get a fuckin life. He should have passed his baton to someone different a long time ago, because clearly hasn't reverberated with the people for a long time. The man doesn't own a car, nor does he own a home. According to wikipedia (so it's gotta be true), "...he lives on $25000 a year and gives most of his stock earnings to many of the over four dozen non-profit organizations he has founded." He apparently holds $1 million dollars of Cisco stock, yet has no idea what his own website looks like or how to access it.

Ralph Nader has become our nation's crazy old uncle that just needs to be appeased every couple of years with a little bit of mainstream media coverage. He may be fighting the good fight in his own mind, but he's wasting my time and yours by putting his name on a ballot. He knows he can't win, he knows that he won't win so what is he doing it for? The principles of an open democracy? Third party viability? No, Ralph Nader is running for president as an advocate for social and political change so that he can be remembered by a small percentage of the world's population as "an advocate for social and political change." Fuck you Ralph Nader. You'd be tolerable if you were just a smug, egocentric pseudo-intellectual. Alas, you're much worse. You're totally ineffective.

Damn it Justin! Look what you did to this poor girl!

Written by Captain Spork on 5:04 PM

Dear Mr. Timberlake,

I am fan of your music (sometimes) and find you to be a surprisingly funny and talented actor. You seem like a pretty okay person as well. So it is your duty to step in and remedy this fucking situation.

http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSN1928706420080220

Seriously dude, she can't see her kids. She's "drunk in public," and she's not even that hot anymore. It all started with you and that damn "Cry me a River," shit. Take one for the team JT. I believe it would be referred to as "Let me sympathy-rock your bodaaayy." Just tell her that you'll get back together with her if she goes into rehab for a whole year. Ya gotsta to do something.

You've "shared the company," of more uber-hot chicks in the last three years than is humanly possibly. Now it is time to repay your debt to society. "With great power comes great responsibility... and crazy ex-girlfriends from your Mickey Mouse Club days."

Super Delegates and Florida fucking up our elections... again.

Written by Captain Spork on 3:28 PM

In case you've been holed up in your house watching all those episodes of American Gladiators you missed, the Democrats have a big potential mess on their hands.
http://blog.washingtonpost.com/thefix/2008/02/obama_campaign_manager_clinton.html?hpid=topnews

The basic problem is that Florida and Michigan moved up their primaries by being told by the DNC, " I swear to god you two, if you move those primaries I'm gonna turn this car around right now!!" Additionally, voters are more concerned than ever with "superdelegates." These are senators and congress-people that wield numerous delegates with their own vote. Most people have never been too concerned with superdelegates this early in an election year since most primary contests are this close this late in the game.

Hillary wants to "seat" the delegates from Florida and Michigan largely because she won those primaries, but there's also a little sliver of a thing called democracy mixed into it. Obama wants the "Super People," to vote alongside their own consituencies. The idea being that you're congress-person shouldn't vote against the majority of the people that elect them to office. That makes sense on a macro-level, but kind of flies in the face of the idea that individuals are free to vote for any candidate they like.

The Democratic party is hamstrung by their own archaic rules. The Florida election board or some other stuffy organization decided to move up their primaries by one week. Michigan moved theirs up by two weeks. Then some equally stuffy people at the national democratic party headquarters said, "No, we don't like that. So you don't get to come to our party at the end of year." Did moving up the primaries somehow cause a molecular shift in the time-space continuum? I'm gonna guess not. So it's simply an argument of, "Well... if I let one person move their primary then I'm gonna have to let everybody move their primary." Florida and Michigan dared to mock the sanctity and tradition the Democratic National Committee and now the party is telling a few million voters that they can "sit in their room and think about what they did."
The really insane thing is virtually every other state in the union moved it's primary up on the schedule this year.

So isn't the "democratic" thing to do is either count those two states votes or have them re-vote? The Obama campaign doesn't think Florida and Michigan should be rewarded for "breaking the rules" of the party. A rule is a rule is a rule is a rule. Except when un-democratic ideas could go against his campaign. The Obama people want superdelegates to be bound to the votes of their consituents even though the DNC, through its own rules and regulations, has given more power and delegates to these specific "super" people. Super delegates have voted against the majority of their districts before and have every right do so according to the bylaws of their own party.

And let's be honest here, it doesn't matter which candidate we're talking about. If Clinton was the candidates on a 9-state winning streak with Obama hoping that Texas and Ohio pull through for him, his campaign supporters and staff would be holding rallies with signs declaring, "Let Them Vote!!!" It is refreshing to see that electioneering is indeed "color" and "gender" blind in 2008.

The Democratic party can either stick to its guns and obey all the rules all the time or they can actually throw caution to the wind and do something truly radical. Use common sense.

I started a political shit storm.

Written by Captain Spork on 5:38 PM

Now, I doubt that I was the first person to lodge a complaint against MSNBC's David Shuster but I was definitely one of the first 10-20 to do so. How do I know this? Who the fuck else is watching a cable news channel at 4:12 in the afternoon.

Nitpicking aside, my efforts have led to a news reporter being suspended from his job.

http://mediamatters.org/items/200802080007?f=h_top

http://tpmelectioncentral.talkingpointsmemo.com/2008/02/hillary_campaign_goes_to_war_w.php

Honestly, I don't feel bad at all. It turns out that David Shuster, despite his "I'm a very professional and nice person" haircut, turns out to be a real dick.

I can kind of see his side. I mean who hasn't thought, "Man, fuck Chelsea Clinton. That fucking bitch gets away with murder!"

But then, when I think about from the other side or "reality," it seems pretty reprehensible to belittle someone whose biggest mistake was being born to some really flawed people.

Yeah, you're right Shuster. We've let Chelsea Clinton get off way too easy.

Rome wasn't built in a day: AKA Voter's remorse.

Written by Captain Spork on 11:50 AM

I want Barack Obama to be our next president. I've donated $100 of my lower middleclass income to "put my money where my mouth is." At the request of the Obama campaign I've also donated my time by emailing other registered voters and "cold-calling," other Obama supporters to donate their time to do the same. I even drove 2 1/2 hours to make sure my absentee ballot was counted for Obama in the primary (Fun Fact#327: If you change your address at the DMV and fill out a new voter registration don't bank on that info getting updated anytime soon).

I don't mention this because I want a pat on the back, in fact I'm more than willing to engage in my civic duty as an American citizen. I mention this because my relationship with Mr. Barack Obama seems to be of the "one-way," variety. Obama's people have really latched on to this whole JFK comparision and used his "Ask not what your country can do for you..." shtick a little too much. I've done my job as an Obama supporter by donating my funds, my time and most importantly voting. What do I get in return? More calls and emails informing me that another generous donation is more urgent than ever, because the "tide is changing," and a "movement is upon us." Really Barack? I make about 30K a year. Do you want the pink slip for my car too?

I say nay, good sir. I've done something for you and I think it's about time you do something for me. It doesn't have to be big, just a small gesture. How about a free bumper sticker? Or a hat? Too much... how's about a pen? No... a pencil? The point is I just busted my hump in California, one the most importan states in the Union and you didn't even take the state. What the fuck man? If you can't get more votes than the an old white lady in California how the hell are you gonna convince Clyde in Louisiana and Jimbo from Texas that you're their man. Actually, know that I think about it... Barack you totally fucked for the general election.

But I still believe in you, man.
Keep it together and stay strong.

Vote. Vote. Vote. Til ya can't vote no mo!

Written by Captain Spork on 11:47 AM

Just a reminder to vote if you're registered in 1 of the 24 states holding its primary today. Here's a friendly reminder for those registered as a Democrats too. While you can get away with you're "I'm voting my concscience," crap in the primaries, don't bring that shit in the general election. Pick a fucking side. Kucinich is out of the race.

And I swear to the big fake sky-bully that If I meet you and find out you actually voted for Ralph Nader, I will fucking murder you with my bare hands. Why? That kind of snooty arrogance doesn't need to propagated throughout the species, that's why. Don't make me talk about Dade County bitches! Al Gore's looking pretty fucking sweet right about now huh? And for those Green, Libertarian, Constitutional, Socialist, Peace and Freedom asshats that still didn't get the memo back in 2004 fret not. You'll be able to cleanse your chakra in a matter of months.

Don't fuck this one up America.
(And yes, voting for Stephen Colbert is equally douchebaggy.)

Hopefully, this will work out.

Written by Captain Spork on 12:52 PM

I've put my money where my mouth will be on February 5th and have donated to the Barack Obama campaign. I was looking forward to voting for John Edwards, mainly because he was a guy that was truly pissed off about what had happened to this country in the last few years and wasn't afraid to show it.

But, alas he has bowed out of the campaign to play the role of elder statesman and not cause total confusion at the Democratic convention. Which I happen to think is kind of another tangent of paranoia that plays right into the GOP's playbook. "We can't look indecisive in choosing a candidate." Of course not, because then the big bad republicans will use their magic public relations spell on us again and call us, "flip-floppers," or "weak on terror." So, let's just widdle the candidates down to the person who says the least offensive things and looks good on camera. I digress.

Barack Obama is the man of the moment and he appears to be a man that can actually win the election. Do I think he's going to change the world? Probably not. Do I think he's a decent human being that can actually project the kind of leadership becoming of the president of United States? Absolutely. And that has to be enough for now because the ship we are sailing needs to plot a different course.

So here's a toast to the idea that hope and truth still have a place in our world. And for good measure, I'll toss in a prayer that voters are more interested in rebuking Bush Jr, than they are afraid to vote for someone with a different skin tone. Get ready people. This is going to be a bumpy year.

Way to finish strong, jackass.

Written by Captain Spork on 5:02 PM

What can we really say at this point. He's just an asshole, wannabe cowboy that unfortunately has veto power and access to "nuculer," codes. When John McCain (arguably his biggest supporter left) doesn't show up for his last big speech it demonstrates how much the country wants to move on.

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/349166_stateoftheunion29.html

He's not irrelevant by any means. Bush still has plenty of time and methods to fuck over virtually every class, color or creed in America. That's why it's important than ever to keep an eye on him. Harry Reed and Nancy Pelosi appear unable or unwilling to appropriate enough money to put in a traffic signal without forking over $100 billion for Iraq. So it falls on us, the little people, to make sure Uncle Dubya doesn't try and sell the actual Oval Office to Halliburton. Oh, right.

The new politics of not playing well with others.

Written by Captain Spork on 2:43 PM

Paul Krugman had a really smart column on the current "nature" of the democratic race. He's a much smarter and eloquent person than I am so I will not attempt to summarize it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/28/opinion/28krugman.html?hp

Bill Clinton is behaving like a politician. Bill Clinton is being highly critical of his wife's main competition, Barack Obama. Is this really newsworthy? Bill Clinton is a magnificant salesman, first and foremost. Right now his job is selling the idea that his wife is the most qualified person for the job of president. There are no unwritten rules that preclude him from behaving "un-presidential." This is an unprecedented campaign with a two-headed political monster that's already occupied the White House. Bill has a chance to get back into the Oval Office and prove that despite his personal flaws and fuck-ups, he and Hillary knew how to get the job done.

But now in the 24-news cycle, politically correct era we live in everything is analyzed... and over analyzed. Bill Clinton has not so sublty floated the idea that "race" is an issue in this campaign. The media, both left and right, have resoundly told Bill that he needs to fade into the background and stop mucking things up. One side is doing so because they loathe him and everything he represents and the other does so out of a sense of paranoia.

So, Bill will most likely take a back seat to Hillary and say "only nice things," from here on out. By doing so I think he will perform the entire democratic party, and the country, a disservice. Race is an issue in the political game and come the general election it's only going to nastier and more precise. So, Obama better get a tougher chin than he's got now because Karl Rove and the good ole boys aren't going to be very gentle or sublte.

Fix the economy, Stupid.

Written by Captain Spork on 1:25 PM

The Dow Jones is going up and down faster than a (insert Pacific Rim country here) prostitute. I don't really understand much about projections, short-term buying and selling or basically anything beyond my college econ class. What I do understand is that a lot of americans are losing their homes and their jobs. While there are probably a myriad of reasons, such as sub-prime lending, to blame for our national predicament I have a more immediate solution to our fiscal dilemma.

Our efforts to bring democracy to the world and more specifically our boondoggle in Iraq is going to cost $193 billion dollars this year. http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSN2365065420080124

I busted out my calculater and I think that breaks down to roughly $528 million per/day. Now some of that is for Afghanistan and the larger "war on terrorism." So, even if we keep doing that some estimates have said that the Iraq clusterfuck is still costing upwards of $300 million per/day.

So here's my big idea: Let's pull a bunch of our soldiers out of Iraq so we don't have to spend $300 million a day on a country that doesn't give a shit about what we think or our personal welfare. Hell, I don't even know if Iraqis give two shits about their own welfare. Have they really demonstrated that they want a unifying democracy? I guess they have, if you count the kind of democracy where the opposing parties literally bomb eachother's headquarters and assassinate members of parliment.

The U.S. dollar could be less weak and pathetic and the lending crisis wouldn't be such a "crisis," if we weren't using our national credit card to keep the people of Iraq from killing eachother. As an added bonus young men and women serving in our military wouldn't have to die in a struggle that has no end in sight.

Welcome to the "No Reward Zone."

Written by Captain Spork on 12:55 PM

Not surprisingly Best Buy and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers have something in common: They both think that we're all a bunch of fucking idiots.

For those that frequent Buy More... err.. I mean Best Buy, you are probably familiary with their "rewards" system. It seems pretty simple. You buy shit at their store and scan your rewards card with each purchase to earn "points." Those points can eventually be redeemed for "gift certificates." These certificates can be sent by "snail mail," or this new fangled invention called "electronic mail." Perhaps you're more familiar with it's shortened name "email."

According to the best buy reward zone website having your certificates physically mailed will take approximately 6-8 weeks or more specifically some time long enough for you to forget about said certificates. Electronic mail delivery will allow you to, "receive your reward certificates faster." This is where Best Buy and myself seem to occupy two separate realities. I've been sending and receiving "email," for about 15 years and the true beauty of it is that your message is sent almost instantly. The "mail" doesn't have to make any lengthy sojourn across states lines or international borders. The Internet is in fact a virtual network. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f99PcP0aFNE

So you can understand my surprise when, after checking my "points status" at the Best Buy website yesterday, I saw that two $20 certificates were "issued on 01/16/08." I had already my inbox for the certificates and clearly there was nothing wrong on my end of the interweb galactic interface, since I was still receiving plenty of other fabulous offers from Best Buy and their subsidiaries.

What had happened? Was my electronic mail stolen by certificate-hording Internet gnomes? Did I need to approve Best Buy as "my friend," before using the certificates? No. Sadly none of these explanations were true. After speaking with Jeff, a man who was clearly located in the contiguous United States, the culprit appears to be the painstaking process of electronic gift certificate making.

I was unaware that after I've earned enough "reward points," to elicit one or more gift certificates and the Best Buy computer system acknowledges that fact, that's when the real work begins. It's a process that can take up to 7 business days. Boy was I wrong about the Internet. Apparently, sending out electronic certificates isn't the insanely simple automated computer function I thought it was. Of course Jeff, the helpful young man on the phone, couldn't reveal the inner-workings of this magical process so I can only imagine how it all goes down.

It probably all starts in the certificate factory, where a small group of master blacksmiths make hammer out the mold for what will become my certificate. While normally this process would take months, Best Buy makes sure that the blacksmiths have the pure steel version of the certificate ready in 2 days. Then it is sent to a world class artist/calligrapher where the steel is decorated in yellow and blue gold flakes. Real gold flakes, folks. After the hand written information is sealed on with a layer of polyolefin, the certificate is sent off to the Best Buy 3D Supermega Imager 500. This where my gold flaked certificate is rearranged molecule by molecule and eventually shrunk down to a two-dimensional image that can be more easily transported. It's a good thing too, because in order for the certificate to reach my inbox it will have to travel 24 straight hours through the Best Buy interweb underground tubing system.

I guess I should just consider myself lucky if the certificate arrives in one piece. After all, a company like Best Buy would never purposely delay the delivery of rewards, cash or prizes in order to inflate the appearance of their actual earnings.

John Gibson: Asshole or the biggest asshole?

Written by Captain Spork on 12:53 PM

There has to be some special kind of hell for people like John Gibson. For the record, I really enjoyed Heath Ledger as an actor and was very interested in seeing him as the Joker in the next Batman film. More importantly it's sad that he's no longer alive.

It's sick enough that some asshat has a radio show with which he can mock the dead and preach hate politics, but it's even sicker that there are people listening to him and laughing along.

For those people, I feel the ultimate pity.

Seriously, you're embarrassing yourself

Written by Captain Spork on 4:34 PM

Below a video of Chris Matthews' rambling, "I'm sorry that some of you were offended," faux apology for insulting Senator Hillary Clinton after she won the New Hampshire primary. To recap the inciting incident these were his words, verbatim:

"Look, I think that may be true. I think the Hillary appeal has always been somewhat about her mix of toughness and sympathy for her. Let's not forget -- and I'll be brutal -- the reason she's a U.S. senator, the reason she's a candidate for president, the reason she may be a front-runner is her husband messed around. That's how she got to be senator from New York. We keep forgetting it.

She didn't win there on her merit. She won because everybody felt, 'My God, this woman stood up under humiliation,' right? That's what happened. That's how it happened. In 1998 she went to New York and campaigned for Chuck Schumer as almost like the grieving widow of absurdity, and she did it so well and courageously, but it was about the humiliation of Bill Clinton."

For the full context of the conversation look back a few entries here or check out the clip
here http://mediamatters.org/items/200801090008.

Well, first off Chris seems to have an odd sense of "heat of the moment." I don't think he
was in the middle of a heated discussion about anything when he said. In fact I think
that's the most mellow I've ever seen him on television. The conversation he was having
was in fact a one-way conversation and there wasn't any "moment" for Matthews to get
carried away in. Not once does he even get that fucking disgusting old-man spittle at the
corners of his mouth.

In his verbose, self-aggrandizing apology the words "apologize," "sorry," "regret," or
"remorse," never come up. Nor does the phrase, "I was wrong." The only thing this
cro-magnon regrets is that his viewers, his colleagues and his boss "perceived," he was
behaving like an ass. He doesn't like the Clintons, especially Hillary. But rather than
admit that truth he gets wet in his loins every time a Clinton utters a syllable and slings
verbal arrows under the guise of journalism. Then when he gets slapped on the wrist for
behaving badly he wants his viewers to believe that he only says these things because, "he
cares too much," about politics and politicians.

Here's the hypocracy. The man that plays Hardball with all of his political guests, the
same man that demands complete and total straightforwardness from the politicians has
himself given a "politician's apology." There were a lot of words said, but after 5
minutes there wasn't any accountability. Sure, it sounded like he was apologizing but the
man couldn't actually push pass the threshold of semi-regret.

Chris Matthews has been exposed in the past two years as lecherous, disgusting human being
that truly cannot see the difference between real life and politics. He exists in a bubble
of straw-man arguments and D.C. media junk. The sad part is I think he's trying to do
these controversial things because he knows that Keith Olbermann is the new face of MSNBC
and the new standard of liberal political pundits. It's sad for Matthews because, unlike
Olbermann, he can't actually contribute any real journalism or insight to the culture. He
can only bloviate, pontificate and frustrate those around him.

My only wish is for him to stay on the air long enough for Tom Brokaw to scold him again
for behaving like a 61-year old petulant child.

It's too late to apologize... Chris Matthews.

Written by Captain Spork on 4:11 PM

Happy Blu Year!!!

Written by Captain Spork on 7:03 PM

My friends have laughed at me for my slavish loyalty to the SONY brand name, but it has never steered me wrong in the personal electronics world. Sure you pay a lot extra for the brand, but goddamn it you're gonna get a good machine. So why would I stray from the family of Sony products when choosing a next generation dvd player? I blame Microsoft. I blame Halo 3. That's who I blame.

Having already purchased an xbox 360, I was less the $200 away from having a fully integrated HDDVD home entertainment system. It seemed like a reasonable trade off at the time. Xbox clearly had more kick-ass games than the Sony PS3 and I could watch a plethora of movie titles in hi-def on Toshiba's HDDVD format. Winner, right? Yes... for about 2 months. Then Warner Bros announced that it would no longer be releasing movies in both formats. Game, set and match. The high definition war has been won by Sony. The future is indeed Blu-ray. Oh, don't worry if you plunked down a bunch of cash for those slightly less expensive HDDVD players and movies you can still watch them. Just know that basically 75% of all movies that are released in hi-def aren't available to you.

Thanks a lot Toshiba! What the fuck was I thinking? Toshiba. When has Toshiba ever come out with anything that screams, "Oh, yeah! I gotsta get me one of those Toshibas!" Now it makes sense why the HDdvd player was so cheap in the first place. I knew I should've waited it out. Now I'm forced start my dvd collection all over again.

By the power of Thor, Greyskull and any other fictitious deity... I will never ignore my insane need to by Sony products again.

Speedy Checkout

Written by Captain Spork on 12:44 PM

We're all familiar with the idea of "express checkout." It's for those folks who would like to buy a handful of items but can't wait for a mother feeding what seems like a small battalion of sugar-consuming bug monsters (think Vincent D'Onofrio in MIB 2). In theory it's a win-win situation for everyone. Though ever so slowly all kinds of shopping outlets have been fucking around with the very definition of express or "speedy" checkout.

20 items or less for a express lane? No frakking way. Blurg that. When the hell did 20 items constitute a quick transaction? Never, that's when. 10 items or less, 15 maximum and that's pushing it. Let's be honest depending on the IQ and motivation level of your "checker," those 15-20 items could have you yearning for the days when you could've easily scooted up behind the morbidly obese woman purchasing 200 cans of Fancy Feast.

Sure 20 widgets doesn't sound like an overly absurd amount in theory, but practically? Come on people. You know that once you give that guy with 18 things in his shopping cart an inch he's gonna take a mile. "Oh, what's that sir? You'd like three packs of Marlboro light and four books of stamps? Why certainly." Nor can we forget the old lady who's got 16 coupons for 14 items... and has to end up writing a check because she got Walmart and Walgreen's confused.

I've saved the best for last. There is a special level of hell for the absent minded guy on his phone that "accidentally" found himself in the express lane. Coincidentally, his cart has 4,000 items in it. "Oh I didn't realize this was the express line," he protests. You didn't realize? Oh, that's a simple mistake. These stores make it so difficult to discern which line is which. I know I was really confused when I saw that 3 ft flashing cube of light with the words,"Express Checkout: 15 items or less," that is currently 20 inches from your face. But hey, how could you tell.

If you're like me and you want this kind of blatant corruption to be thwarted, please support the Kucinich/Gravel ticket in 2008. Together, we can do anything. Additionally, we can make alien abduction and the inevitable probing a more pleasant and productive experience for every citizen.

Chris Matthews Clinton Hate-Boner: Day 2963

Written by Captain Spork on 7:44 PM

Admittedly, all of Washington DC enjoyed declaring Hillary's campaign dead and anointing Obama as the "King of New America," or something. Still there's something warm and fuzzy about Matthew's brand of seething contempt.

Now, I thought I knew how to hold on to "old stuff" and let it fester inside to a boiling rage but this man needs to be medicated. I don't think Chelsea, Bill or Hillary combined has thought about Lewinksy-gate as much as Matthews. I love the second part, which is just pure, sexist, Irish Catholic bravado. Sure Chris, she was elected senator of New York because they felt sorry for her. Have you ever been to New York in the last twenty years Chris? Ummm, let's just say not a real "touchy-feely" kind of state.

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