The Smelly Cheese: 2008

How is this thing even a contest?

Written by Captain Spork on 11:29 PM

While a mixed race man named Barack Obama inspired thousands of GERMANS to assemble peacefully with a message of hope (yup, no book burnings or neatly groomed mustaches)...

...John McCain was sampling Schmidt's Sausage Haus:

While Obama was trying not to breathe in too much while meeting French president Sarkozy...

...John McCain was being attacked by applesauce!

How the fuck is this election even close? I love my grandfather dearly. He's an amazing man who served his country honorably and continues to lead a wonderful life with my family. He also has post-it notes with instructions on how to turn on his computer. I do not think he should be trusted with nuclear codes. Here's the scary part. McCain makes my grandpa look downright frisky... and he's ten years older than would be President McCain.

"No, Grandpa... you can't stay in Iraq for another 100 years. We have to go to the Goldman's BBQ, remember?"

The New Yorker still thinks its funny.

Written by Captain Spork on 1:45 PM

"Well there's yer problem!" I used to have a subscription to the New Yorker. I'm talking about 5 years ago, not recently. I stopped reading it precisely because of their latest attempt at satire. Before I get ahead of myself, I'd like to say that I get the "joke." Wow. That's a real riot. Hilarious. The editor of the magazine and the "artist," are claiming their "right to satire," and can't be held responsible for those that don't get it.

The editor likened their efforts to that of a print medium,"Colbert Report."

I know Stephen Colbert and you sir, are no Stephen Colbert... mainly because they actually have the ability to reach a relevant audience. The problem with The New Yorker is that it's The New Yorker. The people that put that publication together make Al Gore look like Larry the Cable guy. Hoity-toity doesn't even begin to describe the editorial staff let alone their readership.

This is the first general election where a black guy with a Muslim name is running against "Father Time," white establishment war-guy. This is the moment that the New Yorker decides to make its most patronizing and polarizing cover in the last 10 years? Really guys? Ya just had to "hold a mirror" up to the crazy right wing blogosphere four months before the election? Good job douchebags.

There's no journalistic merit at work here. There is no great satire that will reveal the emperor with no pantaloons. The New Yorker is a dying breed. It's a print publication that can barely compete with the rest of its dwindling kind. I'd guess the phrase, "The New Yorker Magazine," has been seen, heard and googled more times in the last two days than in the publications entire existence. Great job political cartoonist guy (What's the matter? Making caricature portraits at Sea World doesn't pay the bills?) you've now confirmed the worst fears of those 31% of Americans who thought Obama was a Muslim anyway.

Hey, we're all entitled to our opinion right? We wouldn't want to let real political headwind get in the way of an bunch of erudite snobs making their point in the most smug method possible now would we? Truth be told the publishers and readers of The New Yorker don't care who the fuck gets elected president. Things like tax cuts, war casualties and mortgages don't register within their sphere of influence. Until someone writes a "brilliant piece," about it in The New Yorker.

Smelling the Cheese: A special investigative report on our economic crisis.

Written by Captain Spork on 11:25 PM

It's economics stupid... or something like that. What follows is an actual personal encounter with the corporatization of America.

I was driving home from my workout at "Super-Mega Fitness Fun-time Family Center," (where I had the pleasure of not taking a long steam afterwards because a small army of 8-year olds really needed to work out all those knots and kinks in their joints) when I passed the local Linens N' Things. This location was closing its doors after only what seemed like one year. I stopped and pulled into the parking lot out of some confusion since I had seen a sign almost 3 weeks earlier that stated they would be closing on June 7th. At that time I was unimpressed by Linens N' Things or "tha LNT" since what they considered "clearance prices," only began to actually compete with the local Bed Bath and Beyond and the Target which is literally next door. 20% off my friends does not make a blow-out the doors sale.

So you'd think that three weeks later, a retail outlet that is closing down would've dropped their prices even more right? Nope.

As detailed in these "exclusive" photos, this LNT store seems to believe that "everything must go!!... at 20 to 25% off." Really? Your store is closing and the best you can do is 25% off? Granted there were a handful of fabulous items like a plastic fluorescent green wastebasket for 40% off, I mean I could of walked out the door and only paid $3.00. What a steal! Those things were $5.00 originally. How can you pass up these prices?!

I realized that the most likely reason this LNT store would not be going below the 25% threshold is simply because their brand wasn't going out of business, just this one store. So, theoretically they could prolong this "Everything Must Go!" sale as long as they need to until their inventory reaches a manageable level and the leftover product can be shipped back to the corporate warehouse or other LNT locations that aren't closing.

Then this product can sit at the other LNT stores at the previously overpriced levels and not be bought by thousands of customers... again. Do you see a pattern developing? I don't have an MBA or much business acumen but here's my recommended strategy for Linens N' Things: Start selling your shit at cheaper prices!

The store is closing and you're selling these pans for a clearance price of $39.99. I hate to break this info to the LNT store's general manager, but I can get this exact same deal at the Bed Bath and Beyond anytime I want since their company sends out 20% off coupons like they're going out of style. Seriously I've got 5 of those bad boys sitting in the junk mail pile right now. Ahhhh... but somehow it's better for the for the corporate bottom line to just keep passing the proverbial cheese grater around from store to store.

Here's another brilliant business strategy I saw at work here. Amidst this "closing store," I was struck by the abundance of LNT "associates," roaming the facility. Not doing work mind you, but looking busy. There was at least 10 of them and I'm pretty sure they outnumbered the total number of customers. "Well there's your problem right there!" What are these employees doing? Stocking new product? I sure hope they aren't because this fucking store is "closing" down. Again, I don't have an economics degree but it seems to me that you want to hire a lot of employees when the store first opens and then you want to scatter there scheduling throughout the workday, not when the store is closing.

Thanks Linens N' Things. You're a true American company through and through. Keep shuffling that debt long enough and then blame it all on your accounting firm.

Written by Captain Spork on 12:02 AM

I like where this election is heading. This guy has the makings of real fucking leader. Now let's all hope that the 527's don't start running ads with "black face" or comparisons to simian. Where is Karl Rove these days anyway? Is it legal for him to be a TV analyst and do smear ads at the same time?

Tim Russert was a good guy.

Written by Captain Spork on 12:20 AM

By all accounts, including Tom Brokaw's, Tim Russert was better at being a son, husband and father than he was at being a journalist. I found it hard not to like Russert. Even when he was letting Dick Cheney blatantly lie to his face without jumping across the table and strangling him. Amongst a cesspool of pariahs, leaches and wannabe journalists Tim Russert was indeed a real journalist and an actual human being. Good work, Tim. Thank you and I will personally miss you every Sunday morning.

For the complete tribute to Russert on "Meet the Press," go to
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25174922/

Memories of the way were: The 2008 Primary

Written by Captain Spork on 12:04 PM

The funny people at "23/6" have a video recap of the entire 2008 Primary. The best part... it's only 90 seconds long.

http://www.236.com/news/2008/06/09/the_entire_democratic_primary_1_7047.php

George Bush: Giving the troops the respect they deserve.

Written by Captain Spork on 11:09 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3OX_fQYyHw

This radio address might make it sound like it 2003 all over again and those whiny traitorous Democrats in congress are trying to take away your guns and let Osama babysit your children... but alas it is not 2003. Others have disagreed with our president's stance on the issue. http://www.thecarpetbaggerreport.com/archives/15801.html

I guess it all comes down to what your definition of "support" means. According to bipartisan group of 59 senators it means giving the troops a better salary and sending them to college. Clearly this is the "irresponsible," part of the funding to which Jorge referred to in his speechification.

Ya know, I can kind of see his logic on this one. Why would you want to reward young men and women who've voluntarily spent three years of their lives defending democracy in a shit-hole barren desert wasteland filled with violent, angry citizens that don't want them there anymore?

I mean all these soldiers have had to do is endure multiple tours of 120 degree heat while simultaneously living in fear of the people they are trying to protect. Yeah, fuck those guys. No college or job training for you. Sorry staff sergeant, your wife will have to wait for that next check because KBR needs another tax break even though they've moved there corporate headquarters out of the country.

My personal boycott of this blog has ended.

Written by Captain Spork on 11:03 AM

Is it safe?! Is it... over? How... when ... can it be true?!!!!

I'll believe this shit when her name isn't on the ballot in November. A complete recap of, "Primacaucus 2008: The Bludgeoning," is forthcoming.

Holy crap! This things might actually be over!`

Written by Captain Spork on 12:43 PM

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/23/us/politics/23veep.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

The New York times is reporting that team Clinton (code for Bill) is contemplating Hillary as Barack Obama's running mate and VP. At this point I'd take Obama and cardboard cutout of Cookie Monster, so can we please just get on with this damn thing. November is not that far away and the DNC is ostensibly still picking out the color of their drapes while John McCain has already finished putting in a new counter top for his bathroom (hmmmm.... home remodeling humor doesn't come off quite as well as I thought).

At this point, the "dream ticket" may be the only way to salvage the 2008 election. Sure there are a ton a downsides to it. Racism, sexism, Clintonism, Jeremiah Wright-ism and "He's really a Muslim"-ism are all great obstacles that would face a Barack/Hillary ticket. But ya know what my worst fear is? Theme song. Yes, I fear that if Obama cordially invites Clinton to the dance we will be tormented by the musical albatross that has blemished Sir Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder's illustrious careers. That's right, "Ebony and Ivory." If you think I'm being overly dramatic just click, watch and feel the horror!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sssqBjaTzOU

Andrea Mitchell frightens me.

Written by Captain Spork on 12:35 AM

What deal with the devil did this woman strike? She always has a job despite being really bad at what she does, "reporting." She seems to have gotten younger and better looking at 60 than she did at 50 (mere nip/tuck cannot explain this black magic). She is also married to ruler of the netherworld Alan Greenspan. Coincidence? I think not.

Seriously, fuck Andrea Mitchell. I don't think anyone who is married to Alan Greenspan has any authority on how or why "working class" folks vote one way or the other. Really Andrea? When was the last time you had to ride on a plane that wasn't named "Air Force One?" Good lord, what a fucking horrible hyena of a woman. She's spent her entire adult life with her face caked and ready for camera 1 and 2. The biggest career problem she's ever had is when the Sudanese president told her "Bitch get the fuck out of my way!" That's right, Andrea. In the Sudan they don't care that you've been promoted to "Chief U.N. correspondent."

In summation, fuck you Andrea Mitchell. Fuck you and your plastic face and your fake upper-crust accent. Hopefully, someday soon Alan Greenspan will die on top of you and you soulless body will suffocate under his dying carcass.

Just stop Hillary. Just spot it! Goddamn it I will turn this car around!

Written by Captain Spork on 12:33 AM

OK. It's quittin' time but no one is punching out on their time card. While Howard Dean was blabbing on and on the great voter turnout, John McCain is having KBR customize the Oval Office with an extra layer of artillery armor.

When will this thing be over? To paraphrase Tracy Morgan, "When we stop being a racist country." Good job, Indiana. Encourage Hillary only dilludes her sense of reality. Oh, by the way, you're not really getting a gas tax holiday you dumb shits.

McCain: Proudly screwing the soldiers for generations.

Written by Captain Spork on 5:00 PM

I know it's really hard for these "soft" new soldiers to live up to John "the viet cong zapped my balls" McCain, but jeeze this is kind of a low blow.

Apparently McCain is avoiding attaching his name to a new GI bill, which already has 57 senators on board, so he can trumpet his own superior "GI Bill."

http://www.alternet.org/waroniraq/84010/

There's nothing more patriotic than a former soldier telling current soldiers that their prospective futures are less valuable than his was. God bless America!

Jeremiah Wright: Way to go asshole!

Written by Captain Spork on 4:54 PM

Here's what's truly dangerous about this guy. He's not a servant of the "lord," or a shepherd. He thinks he is the vessel, he thinks he is the one of the select few that can hear the "true music." Which is why he sees fit to judge and damn those who are not righteous from his perspective.

I'm not going to condemn Jeremiah Wright as "all bad." Clearly there was a time when this reverend had something to offer the world. But as of today, he's no better than the fox news hacks that have his soundbites on an endless loop.

Look at his face as he is welcomed to the podium admist the applause. There is nothing humble in those eyes, just pure unadulterated ego. The entire country is his pulpit and he is soaking in every second to the fullest.

There is no logical rationale to what this man has done in these past days, no sense whatsoever. I'm inclined to beleive that the publishing house that puts out his next book is getting a big fat check from Karl Rove.

There is no religion left in that man. Just bitterness and revenge.

Obama denounces Wright 4.29.08

Written by Captain Spork on 4:34 PM

Hopefully this whole thing doesn't come back to bite him in the ass in November. If it does, I think it would be an immensely sad indictment on our culture.

If you've got 10 minutes, just to a video search for "Rev. Wright + press club." Hell just google his name and read a few articles. After doing that you can only come to two conclusions:

1.) He's fucking nuts.. no nucking futs!
2.) He clearly feels betrayed by Obama or is jealous of his success.

People have the power!... to screw things up.

Written by Captain Spork on 2:30 PM

Just in case you're still reeling from Carly Smithson being voted off American Idol, the Kamakazee Klintons soundly thumped The Man Who Invented Hope in the Pennsylvania primary on Tuesday. Yes, the "Rocky" film analogy did indeed hold true but not for the candidates. We the people are in fact Rocky Balboa, having gone all 12 rounds but losing the bout by decision. Instead of a boxing ring, we stumble around our living rooms mentally bloodied, yelling for our national "Adrian" to carry us home.

http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2008/04/23/us/0422-PENNREAX_index.html

I want this race to be over. On a personal level, I would really enjoy Barack Obama as our next president. In delivering his "losing" speech on Tuesday night he sounded presidential. With very few exceptions he always comes off as "presidential" material. Unfortunately, most of his missteps have been coming later in the campaign and not early on. The guy is human and most likely has some "undesirables" in his past. The most glaring and continually baffling is his church pastor. At some point he's gonna have to put some distance between this guy and himself since Rev. Wright isn't helping him that much. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/blake-fleetwood/rev-wright-obama-says-wha_b_98639.html

My personal preferences aside, there is this bothersome fact that the Democratic voters of America want be to heard. Even more bothersome to every reporter (that doesn't work or appear on the Fox News channel) is that some democrats are actually "choosing" Hillary over Obama. After a self-inflicted 15-month marathon campaign the general conceit goes something like this:

"How can they vote for her? Haven't they seen our glowing reviews of the man? Clearly these people must be misinformed.... or racist. Have they met Obama in person yet? Yes, that's it he just needs some 'one-on-one" time with the good people of ..."

Nope. Sometimes we are just cursed with choices. Damn you democracy!!! People are presented with choices everyday and some of them will no doubt fuck it up royally. For nearly 100 years Americans have been given a choice between Coke and Pepsi. Despite Coca-Cola's consistent delivery of a superior product, some misguided souls choose to waste their money on its watered-down counterpart. "Ain't that America, home of the free baby!" (I wonder if Mellencamp is a Pepsi guy...)

So we trudge on because... well because we can. We the people of these United States do not do so to piss off Chris Matthews or to deprive Soledad O'Brien of her beauty sleep. NO, we do this because we have convinced ourselves that having an alternative is our birthright. Maintaining the illusion of "freedom," is more comforting than facing the hard tasks ahead of us. Give me liberty or give me death... or give me a third option... something without death, preferably.

Sorry Chris, I'm just not that into you.

Written by Captain Spork on 10:59 AM

I think the only question now is whether this will comment strike so deeply at the "Tao of Matthews," that Chris' love affair with Obama could end. Poor Chris, such a douche and yet so unaware of his own douchebaggery.

Mr. McCain are you ready for your portrait?

Written by Captain Spork on 10:52 AM

There have been many xenophobic and racist statements during this campaign, some blatantly obvious and some more subtle. I don't even know where to put this one. It's just bad. Way to go, Associated Press. Sit Ubu, sit. Good dog.

John McCain's Media: AP Reporters give him some nice donuts

Written by Captain Spork on 10:46 AM

I'm going to bypass the ridiculous circus of the last few weeks, during which the "press" has been salivating over every word uttered by Hillary or Barack, and bring you the really hard-hitting journalism saved for John McCain.

100 years in Iraq here we come...

What is WHY TUESDAY?

Written by Captain Spork on 11:43 PM

This seems like a no brainer to me. We've got "Arbor Day," why not "Voting Day?"

Chasing our tails.

Written by Captain Spork on 5:46 PM

Last week marked the 5th anniversary of our incursion into the country of Iraq. This week also saw the number American soldiers "killed in action" rise to 4,000. Considering that I just filled up my gas tank yesterday at $3.58 per gallon, the war in Iraq is still of paramount importance to myself not to mention the millions of other citizens that have had to personally sacrifice something or someone to the military farce.

But according to every television news outlet on my cable lineup, I (the viewing audience) really respond to the political "food fight," in the democratic primary. Also, I seem to care a lot about the former Governor of New York paying tons of money for rough sex. Oh yes, and I care immensely about the personal trials of Britney, Lindsay and Hillary Duff. Hmmmm, that's really odd. I could've sworn that I really want to know why the fuck my congress hasn't done dick about the $350 million tax dollars that are being flushed down the toilet in Baghdad.

There I was thinking reversing the destructive policies of the Bush-Cheney regime was the most important thing on our political agenda... but boy was I wrong. I'm really glad that Keith Olbermann has been there nightly to incessantly (and objectively) remind me that the real enemy of American progress is the Clinton family. Thanks Keith for shining a light on the true injustice of Hillary Clinton's disastrous wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. After all if Bill Clinton hadn't sent those troops into Iraq and lied about weapons of mass destruction.... wait a minute. Wasn't George Bush the president that did all this stuff?

No, I'm probably mistaken... again. Silly me, I just have to remember that if Olbermann says it, it must be true. The same goes for Oprah. She's never wrong. That's my "O&O" policy. Olbermann is always truthful and objective because he speaks in that really cool, old school anchorman voice. Plus he's always pointing out how other people are "lying," ergo... Olbermann can't be fudging with the truth. And Oprah has a book club. People with their own book clubs clearly have better judgement than I do. Thus, Oprah can't be wrong about who to vote for in the next election.

Anderson Cooper on CNN just plain has an honest face. How can I not trust someone with that face? Blitzer's beard screams honesty. Those guys are "the most trusted name in news." The word trust is literally part of their slogan.

Basically I just have to accept the fact that what I'm interested in now is Barack Obama's tax return and Hillary Clinton's electability among white women ages 33-35 in Harrisburg, PA. After all a journalism organization would never purposely force-feed news items that are easier, cheaper and simpler to report on than the depressing, complicated realities that face our country. Never. It simply couldn't happen. Sean Hannity would never allow it.

Exhibit B378: Why John McCain will be president.

Written by Captain Spork on 2:31 PM

Roughly 5 million people are willing to watch "WWE Raw," on Monday nights. Not just for one hour either, these folks are making an investment from 9 p.m. to 11 p.m.

http://tv.zap2it.com/tveditorial/tve_main/1,1002,272%7C%7C%7Ccable,00.html

Even if half of these "viewers" aren't old enough to vote, that' still mean 2.5 million potential voters are watching grown men in tights "wrassle." And as I've pointed out previously, if the Nielsen folks think there are 5 million people watching you can tack on another 2-3 million folks that just aren't telling them about it.

Cue the John McCain victory speech.

"Friends, we will do whatever it takes to defeat Al Qaeda. And if that means we have to bodyslam, closeline or piledrive the terrorists... well then that's what we'll do!!!"

Why the hell do we vote on a Tuesday?

Written by Captain Spork on 2:26 PM

This is a great question from the people at http://www.whytuesday.org/. They've got some pretty compelling arguments for changing the way we conduct our elections. To me having a national voting day makes perfect sense. Give everybody the day (or at least the afternoon off) so they have the opportunity to vote. Why not?

We've got already got an "Arbor Day," why not "Voting Day?" Seems kinda ridiculous that it hasn't happened already.

It all depends on what your definition of "sniper fire," is?

Written by Captain Spork on 2:06 PM

OOPS!!! This is what Washington insiders call, "padding the resume." It is also known as "lying your ass off," or "being a politician."

Oddly enough I don't care what Hillary was doing in Bosnia 12 years ago, nor do I care what Obama's pastor was yelling about 5 years ago. I'm one of those silly people that lives in "the present." I'm not saying that I ignore history, not by a long shot. Our history is too be studied and kept on file as a resource of knowledge. It is not, however, the sole basis of our decision making.

I don' t walk into a deli with the intention of ordering a pastrami sandwich and change my mind because another customer says, "Hey I had a bad pastrami sandwich here 5 years ago." I order the fucking pastrami because I wanted the pastrami, plus who the fuck remembers a bad sandwich from 5 years ago?

More to come on how the media's nanosecond attention span is killing American culture and handing the presidency to John McCain.

The boob tube.

Written by Captain Spork on 10:06 AM

I fear that no matter how skillfully Barack Obama speaks nor how badly George Dubya fucks this country up, most of its citizens will not vote for "change." How do I know they will not vote? They'll be too busy voting for "America's Next Top Hip Hop/Urban dance troupe!" And who wouldn't want to be watching that show. I mean the winner gets a scholarship to the prestigious but completely unaccredited Montgomery T. Burns Institute of Krumping. Lord knows that there just aren't "krumping" outlets available for young black men these days, let alone enough motion pictures about the topic.

Here are the facts. Roughly 28 million people have come out to vote for either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton over the last 3 months. You can see the breakdown here http://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/2008/president/democratic_vote_count.html

"American Idol" has average 30 million viewers a week for roughly nine weeks.

http://tv.zap2it.com/tveditorial/tve_main/1,1002,272%7C%7C%7Cseason,00.html

And let me tell you when the Nielsen ratings company says 30 million people are watching your show it's probably closer to 40 million people since Nielsen still figures out how many people are watching by have a few hundred families fill out "diaries."

If these numbers hold true John McCain will become president simply due to the fact that 12 million adults will be content with watching Howie Mandel ordering supermodels to open brief cases on November 5th rather than registering to vote.

I truly hope that I am wrong, but I'm probably not.

Please turn off the TV and register to vote, or tell a friend.

http://www.declareyourself.com/

Obama I can believe in.

Written by Captain Spork on 5:10 PM

Yesterday, Barack Obama delivered the first speech of his entire campaign that actually got to me. His tone during the speech didn't have much emotion, nor did the words rise to "inspirational levels." What I got to watch yesterday was the "real deal." Obama was speaking as a man with a mixed heritage, and political aspirations for the white house. The most refreshing aspect to his speech was that he was actually talking candidly and honestly about race relations in our country. It was nuanced, lengthy and filled with the idea that we are diverse people complicated by our faiths, ethnicity and personal failures.

It wasn't "preachy," and it wasn't filled with soundbites either. Obama showed with this speech that he is the most brilliant politician of this young century. Every word was calculated and every pause intentional. This is the first time that I have heard him speak like the leader of a nation. I don't know if the speech is going to quell any of the "fears" of white people in Pennsylvania or Ohio, but it was a brilliantly delivered and should be heard by everyone.

Take a listen for yourself.

http://www.barackobama.com/index.php

Third Eye Blinded by the light.

Written by Captain Spork on 4:24 PM

I was listening to the Rachel Maddow show http://www.airamerica.com/maddow/ last week and I happened upon her interview with the singer from the lead singer of the band Third Eye Blind. 3EB (as they were once known) was a seminal group in my formative years, as musician and as a person. I loved their music and I probably wasn't alone in that, since there self-titled debut album sold a gazillion copies. Since that time my affinity for the group and for it's corporate leader, Stefan Jenkins, has long since disappeared.

Jenkins appeared on Rachel Maddow's show to talk about his support for Barack Obama. I'm not going to hold Barack Obama accountable for the people that support his campaign. I do have to disclose that Stefan Jenkins is a total douchebag and is probably only now inserting himself into the Obama movement for his own narcissistic agenda (the guy hasn't had a fucking hit in 7 years). What follows are some quotes from Jenkins' interview with Maddow about Obama's campaign and the evil that is Clinton politics. I'm quoting verbatim because it illustrates more clearly than I ever could the often irrational basis for which people find themselves in the thralls of Obamania.

Maddow: Democrats want somebody who is going to win and John McCain has to be taken down about ten notches.

Jenkins: We are in an age that's beyond 'we just want someone to win.' We did that with
Kerry we did that with Dukakis. There's a moment that's available here. And it's available
with Barack Obama. And it's not available with the Clintons. And the reason why is she will
manipulate what you think if she can. And she does it consistently.

Maddow: I think all politicians do.

Jenkins: No, I don't think so. I think Barack Obama is a guy who is willing to say what he
thinks and has a certain amount of trust in the electorate.. to get with it.

Maddow: If Hillary Clinton ended up winning the nomination, would you support her?"

Jenkins: I would have.

Maddow: Would have?

What follows this exchange is a story in which Jenkins name drops his former girlfriend Vanessa
Carlton (she's also happens to be his only connection to any music that could be referred to as either relevant or current) actually had a really positive experience with Bill, Hillary and Chelsea at a Clinton fundraiser. Jenkins confirms that Hillary has the ability to be really nice and
authentic, but right now she's being evil and displaying as Jenkins puts it, "her darker
angel."

First up, someone needs to tell Mr. Third Eye Blind that the people who wrote
Webster's Alternative/ Post-Grunge Thesaurus from 1997 need you to clear the use of "Darker
Angel" before claiming it as your own.

Secondly, I find extreme irony in Jenkins chastising the Clinton political family for behaving opportunistically and manipulating people. Jenkins is after all, the UC Berkeley english major that used numerous musicians and friends as literal stepping stones on his way to "rock stardom." He is the man that unceremoniously ousted his guitarist, song-writing partner and supposed friend Kevin Cadogan by literally leaving him at a hotel in Colorado after a show in the middle of tour. Why would he do that? Simple, so he wouldn't have to share in the credit or profit of any "3EB Production" venture. Don't believe me.
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9905E1DD143FF933A15755C0A9649C8B63&scp=1&sq=Kevin+Cadogan&st=nyt
The music industry is filled with even more shark-like scumbags than Washington.

The history of Third Eye Blind and its singer's level of assholishness is ancient history. But Stefan Jenkins attitude in his support of Barack Obama does illuminate a lot of issues surrounding the Democratic race for the presidency. It has finally made clear in my mind why I have a hesitancy about fully "giving myself" to Obamania.

Jenkins is of the mind that he, along with many other democrats and Obama supporters will not support a Hillary Clinton presidential nomination. There is this notion being bantied about that all of the "new" voters that have been inspired by Barack Obama will stay home in the November general election if Clinton (miraculously) wins her party's nomination. If any Obama supporter were actually to withhold there vote in the general election in protest of Hillary Clinton, or god forbid vote for McCain, what does that say about that voter in the first place.

Barack Obama's campaign is about "change." He is directly opposed to most, if not the entirety of the Bush presidency. He wants to change our direction in Iraq by pulling out our troops. He wants to change the way we do "business" in the world. I admire him for these beliefs and for his rhetoric. By his own admission, Obama has very little substantive differences on the "issues" with Mrs. Clinton. There differences lie firmly in the realm of "personality" and "attitude." So, if confronted with a choice between Clinton, McCain or not voting many Obama supporters will specifically not choose Hillary. Doesn't that action essentially negate all of the "change" that Obama stands for? How could "change" possibly come about with a McCain presidency?

It would seem that an Obama supporter with this attitude doesn't actually want "change," but rather to be on the "winning team." The lofty ideals which their candidate speaks of only matter if he can implement them himself. No good can come from anyone but their candidate. There is no light but his light. To these false Obama supporters, I say fuck you. Fuck you and your weak-minded short-sighted naivety. Fuck you and fragile egos and your ignorant sense of entitlement. Where the fuck have you been for the last ten years? I've busting my ass, cold calling and canvasing districts trying to get the people that I believe in elected for 10 years! Now you, the "new voter," claim some kind of omniscient superiority that moves beyond politics. How fucking arrogant. Your newly minted need to be "inspired," trumps things like the economy, housing, health care, war and death.

To any of those out there who think that Barack Obama is anything but a democratic politician running for president: Get a goddamn grip on reality. If you dare sit out the November election out of a sense or moral superiority I truly feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you because you'll probably dismiss my opinion as "fear mongering" or some kind of "old politics." The simple fact is that you don't understand the art of manipulation, nor the price of admission for the show.

Where's a militant brotha when you need one?

Written by Captain Spork on 2:45 PM

I call it like I see it. When Barack first announced his candidacy the "old guard," featuring the likes of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson floated the idea that he wasn't "black enough." This notion has been resoundingly thumped since, by black voters turning out in record number for Obama in the Democratic primary season. Some of it is "identity politics," some of it isn't.

As a life-long liberal democrat (noun: guilty white person who has very limited interaction outside his own neighborhood) I've donated my time, gave my money and my vote to Barack Obama because it was the first opportunity I have ever had to give a black man the chance to take the white house. It's long overdue and the time has come. This wasn't my only reasoning for voting for Barack, but it was a big factor, as I assume it was with many other democratic voters. He's an inspiring guy with a positive message and outlook. He also has the added benefit of having an actual personality, some style. He's probably the most charismatic leader I've wanted to vote for since Bill Clinton (Neither men could ever approach the krump factor of Lil Jon but they look pretty vibrant compared to Bob Dole and Chris Dodd).

But let's not kid ourselves, if Barack Obama was a white guy he be battling John Edwards for the vice-presidency. I don't agree with Geraldine "I'm old and I don't have to censor myself," Ferraro. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/13/us/politics/13ferraro.html?em&ex=1205553600&en=c32e1091707eac04&ei=5087%0A

Barack is a capable politician who has run a superior campaign. His intriguing biography along with his unique ethnicity have coalesced at exactly the right time when the American people, more specifically democrats, are ready... no foaming at the mouth to see an entirely different face in the white house. You can't get much different than a half black guy named Barack Obama. He is the dream candidate for any liberal democrat. I have forcibly stopped myself from drinking the Obamanaid and I'm still find myself tuning into every speech he makes on television. I'm still forking over cash to his campaign (seriously dude, how much more do you need?) and I still find myself watching him speak and thinking "Wow, that guy looks presidential."

All of Obama's enthusiasm, charisma, experience, inexperience and "juice" cannot change the fact that he is profoundly different, in one particular facet, than any other eventual nominee in our nation's history. I'm not knocking it. I like it. Truth be told, if he were a white man delivering the same speeches I'd probably would've voted for Edwards. But he isn't the same old boring white guy is he?

John McCain: A really great guy unless you're a military man.

Written by Captain Spork on 12:05 PM

Not surprisingly, John McCain doesn't exactly "support the troops" at least not with his congressional pocketbook. http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/2/26/123532/692/322/464441

I know what your thinking. How could a man whose entire life and career is built on military service be so stingy when it comes to the military? Well, I have only two rational theories.

The first being that McCain is suffering from "old man on the porch" syndrome. In his eyes these goddamn punk kids in Iraq and Afghanistan have it way to easy into today's warfare. After all unless you've spent a minimum of 5 years in a torture camp, how can you live up to his standards? He was beaten ever two hours for several years like clockwork, so whether or not some Private gets an extra layer of Kevlar isn't on the top of his "to do list." In other words John McCain is a lot like the Jack Nicholson character in "A Few Good Men."

The second theory involves John McCain slowly but surely selling his senatorial career and reputation over to weapons manufacturing lobbyists, the extreme right-wing of the GOP and president G.W. Bush's legacy. Sure it goes against the idea that McCain only speaks in "straight talk" and wants to reform campaign finances, but it has ensured him an opportunity to become president.

If we postulate that both theories could be true then essentially we are left with the idea that certain sacrifices must be made in order for John McCain to become president. Maybe a few thousand American troops, a few thousand from Iraqi security forces and 40-50,000 civilians. These are conservative estimates at best and since John McCain claims that we can't leave until the job is done you can basically double or triple those numbers for the anticipated 10-20 year occupation.

All of this must be done so Senator McCain can fulfill complete his own legacy or war hero, senator and president. Is this so he can feel that his own personal sacrifice in Vietnam meant something? Isn't being a senator enough? Isn't being a good human being enough?

I think John McCain could save himself and the American people a lot of heartache and money if he were to build his own foundation for wounded veterans. Or maybe he could just start talking with another soldier that's been through hell and back.

I'm not mocking the man's service. He's clearly a much more stalwart person than myself, but I see in him a deeply flawed leader and human being. This guy has got "unresolved issues" coming out of every pore on his body. He's not conflicted. His experiences in war haven't lead him to some greater understanding. He's a man seeking revenge against an enemy that died a long time ago. And now that he has adopted the neoconservative outlook of the Bush white house, he's ready to reshape the rest of the globe with assault weapons and water boarding.

If McCain does obtain his prize and become the next president, I'd probably end up feeling sorry for him on some level. He would become a failed president whose strong moral fiber crumbled under the unbearable weight of an ideology that wasn't really his own to begin with. He would no longer be remembered as a war hero but a war monger and a man who could not bring his country back from the brink of perpetual conflict.

It's not show friends. It's show business.

Written by Captain Spork on 7:37 PM

Barring an unforeseen miracle or three, Barack Obama will probably be the Democratic nominee for president of these United States of America. I'm not sure when that will happen exactly nor do I really care anymore. I don't even care who's the VP either because the longer this shit storm continues the candidates begin to look more and more like one in the same (no, not literally... ughh could you imagine them have a kid? That is one fucking ugly kid). Make no mistake, the closer the delegate numbers get the dirtier the campaign ads will be. And from a purely "politics junkie" vantage point, I really love seeing this. Not because I've got any real affinity with either of them (my heart is with Obama and my head is with Hillary, yadda yadda). I love watching this because Barack is finally pulling back the curtain and revealing his true self, a politician. If anybody thinks for a split second that Barack doesn't want to sit in the Oval Office just as much as Hillary does, you're being utterly naive. This guy has balls the size of Nebraska. He'd barely been sworn in as a senator and he was already planning his limosine route down Arlington Road. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/09/us/politics/09obama.html

At this point, I'm spent on this whole fucking mess. I don't really blame either of Clinton or Obama for behaving like political animals. I tell you who I do blame, the D to tha N to tha motha flippin' C. Good job Howard Dean. This election should've been a cakewalk through November and yet you and Harry Reidand Nancy Pelosi have managed to create something that is now well beyond a clusterfuck. This is a craptacular fuckopoly of third degree.

John McCain is sharing his BBQ recipes with the press core while your two candidates are kicking each other in the crotchal region in hopes that the lovely people of Wyoming will provide another record turnout. http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2008/03/02/politics/fromtheroad/entry3898127.shtml

Howard Dean, ever the optimist, is just excited that voter turnout is so high. Hey Howard, somebody is on the phone for you. Who? The whole goddamn state of Florida you fuck head! We could have lawsuits in the state of Florida screwing up the Democratic party... again. Way to go Dr. Dean, you stupid fuckstick.

No, I haven't forgotten my most beloved congress-people, Representative Pelosi and Senator Reid. Have you two actually done anything in the last 14 months? Aside from holding press conferences chiding president Bush for not playing by the rules? Goddamn it I don't care how nice of a Mormon Harry Reid is, he comes off like a dipshit tool on television. Have some backbone Harry. Drink some fuckin' coffee and start puttin' some hutzpah into your work.

And Nancy, dear sweet Nancy. Where the hell did Nancy "I'll put your nuts in a vice," Pelosi dissappear to? I miss her. I miss the bitch with the crazy eyes. The kind of eyes that flicker back and forth between "grandma loves you," and "where the fuck is my latte!!?"

Somebody better end this mess very soon or we'll end up with,

Scenario #1: A popularity contest between an old, white war hero who makes some mean ribs and has no problem putting his foot on the throat of the entire Muslim "community" and a virtually unknown junior senator who's part black and has a Muslim name and has just spent the better part of year talking trash to one of the most successful women in the free world.

Scenario #2: A popularity contest between the aforementioned trigger happy, Viet Cong POW and a bitchy, pissed off former first lady that has spent the better part of her year trashing one of the most popular and inspirational candidates in the last 20 years... oh, yeah and he's half African American and the son of an immigrant goat farmer.

"Come on people now, smile on your brother. Everybody get together try to love one another right now."

Driving tip #528

Written by Captain Spork on 1:11 PM

Here's another friendly tip for my fellow California motoring enthusiasts. If you are driving one lane over from a vehicle that is ahead of you and the either of your front corners line up with either of their rear corners... that driver probably can't see you very well.

Why any driver would think that this is a safe angle and distance to maintain at any speed defies logic. If you had a car directly in front of you would you follow 3 ft behind? Well yes you would... if you're a tool fuckhead that does that kind of thing. But you're not a tool fuckhead, right? So don't drive in the blind spot.

Thank you and please remember that "putting it out to the universe" doesn't actually make your turn signal work. You still have to physically do it yourself.

Illustration A3:

DO NOT DO THIS.

Keith Olbermann is clearly in the tank.

Written by Captain Spork on 10:34 PM

By taking pieces of Jon Stewart's shtick from the Oscars and a sketch from SNL mocking the mainstream media for "being in the tank for Obama," and then trying to use them as anti-Hillary Clinton material... Keith has in fact demonstrated that clearly does have "Obama Fever."

Keith, and not surprisingly the rest of the stuffy shirts with press credentials, think that Hillary Clinton doesn't understand that Saturday Night Live is just a "skit show," and they don't actually think the media is in the tank for Obama.

Well, here's the thing Keith. The reason the SNL writers put that sketch as the opener for their first live show in 3 months (and the first of the political primary season) is actually due to the fact that they do think you're in the tank for the Obama Campaign. See, satire doesn't "the opposite of what I'm saying." It's usually just an exaggerated version of the truth.

Sorry, dude. I think your ratings are starting to get to your head.

No Country for Old Books

Written by Captain Spork on 4:48 PM

I watched the now Oscar-winning,"No Country for Old Men," for the second time over the weekend. It's well, made (as most everything the Coen brothers make is) and it's a very chilling and intense flick. I'm not going to "spoil" the film's plot for anyone who hasn't seen it. But I have to put a question out there after seeing one of the lead actors accept an academy award last night on TV. Am I supposed to understand what the hell he was saying in the movie? I mean I could understand Javier Bardem's speech last night, but in the movie... not so much.

Spoiler alert!!! Highlight to read. I get that he's supposed to represent death, although as a metaphor for death he did seem kind of vulnerable. If he is supposed to be a true harbinger of doom, shouldn't I at least be able to understand his dialogue. And this totally wasn't about his accent. I'm almost absolutely certain that they slowed down his voice in post production (trust me I do that stuff for a living). If that was the intention I get that. But if you're going to make your main character play evil incarnate at least have the few words that he does say be audible to most humans. Or is that part of the whole shtick? Your not supposed to understand death when it comes for you? I call shenanigans!! If death is a character in your movie that is relentless, omniscient and invincible then he better be able to communicate properly. Otherwise he's just a crazy hitman with a bad haircut and thick spanish accent. End spoilers.

Apparently from some emails I've received I should read the book No Country for Old Men, to make sense of the film. To this I also call shennanigans! The ending of this movie made sense to me, I got the themes and the allusions. There's some stuff in the middle that just flat out looked like bad editing or poor directorial choices. Here's a hint if you're going to kill a pivotal main character in a suspense "cat and mouse," film don't have that character die "off screen," leaving your audience wondering what the hell happened. It's even worse if you then ask the audience to re-focus their attention on another ancillary character who turns out actually to be "the main character." If you're going to adapt a novel into a screenplay don't hide behind "being faithful to the novel." You're movie has to stand on its own merit.

I'm getting real tired of crazy serial killer characters being metaphors for death. First off don't real-life crazy fucks get enough attention already. Is there not enough death and mayhem going around these days? I fast forwarded through most of the Oscars last night, because in large part it's just a bunch of overpaid actors and directors sitting politely in ridiculously expensive clothes verbally masturbating with each other over how wonderfully complex and rich their "art" was during the past year. I really like the Coen brothers film's, but am I really gonna learn anything about mortality or morality from a couple of New York Jews that went to film school? No offense boys, I loved "Fargo," but you're opining about "life and death," seems a bit trivial when men half your age are getting shrapnel lodge in their asses in the middle of the desert.. for realz.

Bitch is the new Black!!!

Written by Captain Spork on 1:23 PM

SNL, I thought I missed you this political season but I found out that I really just missed Tina Fey as your head writer. This ultimately made me miss 30 Rock and so I just busted out those DVDs. Fey hit home with a lot of funny and little more of the hurtful truth. Watch it here in it's entirety after viewing a brief message from one of NBC's wonderful sponsors:

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/#mea=221773

(Side note: Hey NBC, how's that new download service working out for ya? I bet a lot of people would've paid a couple of bucks to download that SNL episode last weekend on iTunes. Nah, I'm sure you're doing great with that new NBC download thingy... what's it called? I can't remember the name. Oh I'm sure I'll think of it before I get impatient enough to download all of your shows for free on BitTorrent.)

Ralph Nader: A great man or the greatest man ever?

Written by Captain Spork on 11:05 AM

Ralph Nader is once again doing a great service to all citizens of our nation by throwing his hat into the presidential ring.
http://www.votenader.org/index.html

I would like to personally thank Mr. Nader for his visionary leadership and bravery. To look the democrat, republican, libertarian and green parties straight in the eyes and say," I know you've moved on but I'm still better than you," is beyond courageous. It's downright inspirational. To be able to see past his 0.37 percent of the 2004 electorate as an independent candidate is both laudable and heroic. Sure, he may be 74 years old, but his mind is as clear as ever. Ralph Nader is ready to take this country in the right direction. He is the next preside-- I'm sorry. My keyboard incurred a hostile invasion from someone wearing a "Nader Raider," t-shirt and seemingly had not showered in a few years.

Fuck Ralph Nader. How long is this douchebag going to guilt trip people with, "Hey I'm the guy that made the auto industry put seat belts in your car!" shtick? Despite his protestation on this interview with Tim Russert http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23319215/, he did make it possible for Jorge Bush to become president. In 2000, Ralph Nader saw Bush having no substantive differences with Gore. Now, in 2008, Nader cannot admit that Barack Obama would make a better president than John McCain. Really Ralph? Obama wouldn't be better for the country than McCain? Is that why you have to continue fighting for the American people?

You, the Great Nader, and only you have the solutions to fix our ailing nation. Ralph Nader is only running for president because he is sad and lonely old man. He has no children, no wife, nor a partner in his efforts to change the world. He is a once great muckraker that has refused to buy a car let alone a computer or embrace the ever-changing world around him. For Nader, it is still 1969 or 1976 and he is still a relevant social advocate lawyer crusading around the country saving all of us from the evils of corporate America.

Nader supporters cite the last 7 years of the Bush administration as the absolute reason why a corporate crusader candidate is desperately needed, now more than ever. I site these last seven, hell even 20 years as a prime reason why Ralph Nader needs to get a fuckin life. He should have passed his baton to someone different a long time ago, because clearly hasn't reverberated with the people for a long time. The man doesn't own a car, nor does he own a home. According to wikipedia (so it's gotta be true), "...he lives on $25000 a year and gives most of his stock earnings to many of the over four dozen non-profit organizations he has founded." He apparently holds $1 million dollars of Cisco stock, yet has no idea what his own website looks like or how to access it.

Ralph Nader has become our nation's crazy old uncle that just needs to be appeased every couple of years with a little bit of mainstream media coverage. He may be fighting the good fight in his own mind, but he's wasting my time and yours by putting his name on a ballot. He knows he can't win, he knows that he won't win so what is he doing it for? The principles of an open democracy? Third party viability? No, Ralph Nader is running for president as an advocate for social and political change so that he can be remembered by a small percentage of the world's population as "an advocate for social and political change." Fuck you Ralph Nader. You'd be tolerable if you were just a smug, egocentric pseudo-intellectual. Alas, you're much worse. You're totally ineffective.

Damn it Justin! Look what you did to this poor girl!

Written by Captain Spork on 5:04 PM

Dear Mr. Timberlake,

I am fan of your music (sometimes) and find you to be a surprisingly funny and talented actor. You seem like a pretty okay person as well. So it is your duty to step in and remedy this fucking situation.

http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSN1928706420080220

Seriously dude, she can't see her kids. She's "drunk in public," and she's not even that hot anymore. It all started with you and that damn "Cry me a River," shit. Take one for the team JT. I believe it would be referred to as "Let me sympathy-rock your bodaaayy." Just tell her that you'll get back together with her if she goes into rehab for a whole year. Ya gotsta to do something.

You've "shared the company," of more uber-hot chicks in the last three years than is humanly possibly. Now it is time to repay your debt to society. "With great power comes great responsibility... and crazy ex-girlfriends from your Mickey Mouse Club days."

Super Delegates and Florida fucking up our elections... again.

Written by Captain Spork on 3:28 PM

In case you've been holed up in your house watching all those episodes of American Gladiators you missed, the Democrats have a big potential mess on their hands.
http://blog.washingtonpost.com/thefix/2008/02/obama_campaign_manager_clinton.html?hpid=topnews

The basic problem is that Florida and Michigan moved up their primaries by being told by the DNC, " I swear to god you two, if you move those primaries I'm gonna turn this car around right now!!" Additionally, voters are more concerned than ever with "superdelegates." These are senators and congress-people that wield numerous delegates with their own vote. Most people have never been too concerned with superdelegates this early in an election year since most primary contests are this close this late in the game.

Hillary wants to "seat" the delegates from Florida and Michigan largely because she won those primaries, but there's also a little sliver of a thing called democracy mixed into it. Obama wants the "Super People," to vote alongside their own consituencies. The idea being that you're congress-person shouldn't vote against the majority of the people that elect them to office. That makes sense on a macro-level, but kind of flies in the face of the idea that individuals are free to vote for any candidate they like.

The Democratic party is hamstrung by their own archaic rules. The Florida election board or some other stuffy organization decided to move up their primaries by one week. Michigan moved theirs up by two weeks. Then some equally stuffy people at the national democratic party headquarters said, "No, we don't like that. So you don't get to come to our party at the end of year." Did moving up the primaries somehow cause a molecular shift in the time-space continuum? I'm gonna guess not. So it's simply an argument of, "Well... if I let one person move their primary then I'm gonna have to let everybody move their primary." Florida and Michigan dared to mock the sanctity and tradition the Democratic National Committee and now the party is telling a few million voters that they can "sit in their room and think about what they did."
The really insane thing is virtually every other state in the union moved it's primary up on the schedule this year.

So isn't the "democratic" thing to do is either count those two states votes or have them re-vote? The Obama campaign doesn't think Florida and Michigan should be rewarded for "breaking the rules" of the party. A rule is a rule is a rule is a rule. Except when un-democratic ideas could go against his campaign. The Obama people want superdelegates to be bound to the votes of their consituents even though the DNC, through its own rules and regulations, has given more power and delegates to these specific "super" people. Super delegates have voted against the majority of their districts before and have every right do so according to the bylaws of their own party.

And let's be honest here, it doesn't matter which candidate we're talking about. If Clinton was the candidates on a 9-state winning streak with Obama hoping that Texas and Ohio pull through for him, his campaign supporters and staff would be holding rallies with signs declaring, "Let Them Vote!!!" It is refreshing to see that electioneering is indeed "color" and "gender" blind in 2008.

The Democratic party can either stick to its guns and obey all the rules all the time or they can actually throw caution to the wind and do something truly radical. Use common sense.

I started a political shit storm.

Written by Captain Spork on 5:38 PM

Now, I doubt that I was the first person to lodge a complaint against MSNBC's David Shuster but I was definitely one of the first 10-20 to do so. How do I know this? Who the fuck else is watching a cable news channel at 4:12 in the afternoon.

Nitpicking aside, my efforts have led to a news reporter being suspended from his job.

http://mediamatters.org/items/200802080007?f=h_top

http://tpmelectioncentral.talkingpointsmemo.com/2008/02/hillary_campaign_goes_to_war_w.php

Honestly, I don't feel bad at all. It turns out that David Shuster, despite his "I'm a very professional and nice person" haircut, turns out to be a real dick.

I can kind of see his side. I mean who hasn't thought, "Man, fuck Chelsea Clinton. That fucking bitch gets away with murder!"

But then, when I think about from the other side or "reality," it seems pretty reprehensible to belittle someone whose biggest mistake was being born to some really flawed people.

Yeah, you're right Shuster. We've let Chelsea Clinton get off way too easy.

Rome wasn't built in a day: AKA Voter's remorse.

Written by Captain Spork on 11:50 AM

I want Barack Obama to be our next president. I've donated $100 of my lower middleclass income to "put my money where my mouth is." At the request of the Obama campaign I've also donated my time by emailing other registered voters and "cold-calling," other Obama supporters to donate their time to do the same. I even drove 2 1/2 hours to make sure my absentee ballot was counted for Obama in the primary (Fun Fact#327: If you change your address at the DMV and fill out a new voter registration don't bank on that info getting updated anytime soon).

I don't mention this because I want a pat on the back, in fact I'm more than willing to engage in my civic duty as an American citizen. I mention this because my relationship with Mr. Barack Obama seems to be of the "one-way," variety. Obama's people have really latched on to this whole JFK comparision and used his "Ask not what your country can do for you..." shtick a little too much. I've done my job as an Obama supporter by donating my funds, my time and most importantly voting. What do I get in return? More calls and emails informing me that another generous donation is more urgent than ever, because the "tide is changing," and a "movement is upon us." Really Barack? I make about 30K a year. Do you want the pink slip for my car too?

I say nay, good sir. I've done something for you and I think it's about time you do something for me. It doesn't have to be big, just a small gesture. How about a free bumper sticker? Or a hat? Too much... how's about a pen? No... a pencil? The point is I just busted my hump in California, one the most importan states in the Union and you didn't even take the state. What the fuck man? If you can't get more votes than the an old white lady in California how the hell are you gonna convince Clyde in Louisiana and Jimbo from Texas that you're their man. Actually, know that I think about it... Barack you totally fucked for the general election.

But I still believe in you, man.
Keep it together and stay strong.

Vote. Vote. Vote. Til ya can't vote no mo!

Written by Captain Spork on 11:47 AM

Just a reminder to vote if you're registered in 1 of the 24 states holding its primary today. Here's a friendly reminder for those registered as a Democrats too. While you can get away with you're "I'm voting my concscience," crap in the primaries, don't bring that shit in the general election. Pick a fucking side. Kucinich is out of the race.

And I swear to the big fake sky-bully that If I meet you and find out you actually voted for Ralph Nader, I will fucking murder you with my bare hands. Why? That kind of snooty arrogance doesn't need to propagated throughout the species, that's why. Don't make me talk about Dade County bitches! Al Gore's looking pretty fucking sweet right about now huh? And for those Green, Libertarian, Constitutional, Socialist, Peace and Freedom asshats that still didn't get the memo back in 2004 fret not. You'll be able to cleanse your chakra in a matter of months.

Don't fuck this one up America.
(And yes, voting for Stephen Colbert is equally douchebaggy.)

Hopefully, this will work out.

Written by Captain Spork on 12:52 PM

I've put my money where my mouth will be on February 5th and have donated to the Barack Obama campaign. I was looking forward to voting for John Edwards, mainly because he was a guy that was truly pissed off about what had happened to this country in the last few years and wasn't afraid to show it.

But, alas he has bowed out of the campaign to play the role of elder statesman and not cause total confusion at the Democratic convention. Which I happen to think is kind of another tangent of paranoia that plays right into the GOP's playbook. "We can't look indecisive in choosing a candidate." Of course not, because then the big bad republicans will use their magic public relations spell on us again and call us, "flip-floppers," or "weak on terror." So, let's just widdle the candidates down to the person who says the least offensive things and looks good on camera. I digress.

Barack Obama is the man of the moment and he appears to be a man that can actually win the election. Do I think he's going to change the world? Probably not. Do I think he's a decent human being that can actually project the kind of leadership becoming of the president of United States? Absolutely. And that has to be enough for now because the ship we are sailing needs to plot a different course.

So here's a toast to the idea that hope and truth still have a place in our world. And for good measure, I'll toss in a prayer that voters are more interested in rebuking Bush Jr, than they are afraid to vote for someone with a different skin tone. Get ready people. This is going to be a bumpy year.

Way to finish strong, jackass.

Written by Captain Spork on 5:02 PM

What can we really say at this point. He's just an asshole, wannabe cowboy that unfortunately has veto power and access to "nuculer," codes. When John McCain (arguably his biggest supporter left) doesn't show up for his last big speech it demonstrates how much the country wants to move on.

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/349166_stateoftheunion29.html

He's not irrelevant by any means. Bush still has plenty of time and methods to fuck over virtually every class, color or creed in America. That's why it's important than ever to keep an eye on him. Harry Reed and Nancy Pelosi appear unable or unwilling to appropriate enough money to put in a traffic signal without forking over $100 billion for Iraq. So it falls on us, the little people, to make sure Uncle Dubya doesn't try and sell the actual Oval Office to Halliburton. Oh, right.

The new politics of not playing well with others.

Written by Captain Spork on 2:43 PM

Paul Krugman had a really smart column on the current "nature" of the democratic race. He's a much smarter and eloquent person than I am so I will not attempt to summarize it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/28/opinion/28krugman.html?hp

Bill Clinton is behaving like a politician. Bill Clinton is being highly critical of his wife's main competition, Barack Obama. Is this really newsworthy? Bill Clinton is a magnificant salesman, first and foremost. Right now his job is selling the idea that his wife is the most qualified person for the job of president. There are no unwritten rules that preclude him from behaving "un-presidential." This is an unprecedented campaign with a two-headed political monster that's already occupied the White House. Bill has a chance to get back into the Oval Office and prove that despite his personal flaws and fuck-ups, he and Hillary knew how to get the job done.

But now in the 24-news cycle, politically correct era we live in everything is analyzed... and over analyzed. Bill Clinton has not so sublty floated the idea that "race" is an issue in this campaign. The media, both left and right, have resoundly told Bill that he needs to fade into the background and stop mucking things up. One side is doing so because they loathe him and everything he represents and the other does so out of a sense of paranoia.

So, Bill will most likely take a back seat to Hillary and say "only nice things," from here on out. By doing so I think he will perform the entire democratic party, and the country, a disservice. Race is an issue in the political game and come the general election it's only going to nastier and more precise. So, Obama better get a tougher chin than he's got now because Karl Rove and the good ole boys aren't going to be very gentle or sublte.

Fix the economy, Stupid.

Written by Captain Spork on 1:25 PM

The Dow Jones is going up and down faster than a (insert Pacific Rim country here) prostitute. I don't really understand much about projections, short-term buying and selling or basically anything beyond my college econ class. What I do understand is that a lot of americans are losing their homes and their jobs. While there are probably a myriad of reasons, such as sub-prime lending, to blame for our national predicament I have a more immediate solution to our fiscal dilemma.

Our efforts to bring democracy to the world and more specifically our boondoggle in Iraq is going to cost $193 billion dollars this year. http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSN2365065420080124

I busted out my calculater and I think that breaks down to roughly $528 million per/day. Now some of that is for Afghanistan and the larger "war on terrorism." So, even if we keep doing that some estimates have said that the Iraq clusterfuck is still costing upwards of $300 million per/day.

So here's my big idea: Let's pull a bunch of our soldiers out of Iraq so we don't have to spend $300 million a day on a country that doesn't give a shit about what we think or our personal welfare. Hell, I don't even know if Iraqis give two shits about their own welfare. Have they really demonstrated that they want a unifying democracy? I guess they have, if you count the kind of democracy where the opposing parties literally bomb eachother's headquarters and assassinate members of parliment.

The U.S. dollar could be less weak and pathetic and the lending crisis wouldn't be such a "crisis," if we weren't using our national credit card to keep the people of Iraq from killing eachother. As an added bonus young men and women serving in our military wouldn't have to die in a struggle that has no end in sight.

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